In response to complaints that my last column on gay terminology was not sexual enough in nature — because sexual orientation isn’t sexual at all — I’ve decided to entertain the whiners’ desires this week and talk about a topic considered sexually extreme by some and misunderstood by many: erotic fetishism.

First, let’s make clear what constitutes erotic fetishism, or simply a fetish. In short, it is the sexual attraction to or eroticism of objects, body parts or circumstances not typically pertaining to sexual activity. For illustrative purposes, here are some quick examples: an object fetish could be flippers, a body part could be armpits, a circumstance could be exhibitionism, cuckolding, etc.

Furthermore, it is generally believed that such sexual attractions are not deliberate — people don’t choose to have a foot fetish any more than they choose to be straight. How exactly fetishes are then appropriated is not very well understood or agreed upon, but the non-deliberate nature leads many people with fetishes to embrace it rather than “cure it.”

This then leads to what does not count as a fetish, but often is mistaken as one. Underwear, for example is the most commonly reported fetish, yet for most people reporting it as such, it is not a fetish at all, since lingerie and skivvies are already and inherently sexual in nature. They’re suppose to be arousing, and unless they are additionally eroticized — for example if you can’t get off without having panties on your head — then underwear does not count as a fetish. Yet many people unclear on the definition make the mistake of classifying them as one. Similarly there is no such thing as a nipple fetish or a scrotum fetish because they are inherently (albeit secondary) sexual genitalia. Furthermore, sex-toys, bondage, S/M etc. are not fetishes per se but rather just various kinks and role-playing.

I’ll be blunt — fetishes get a pretty bad rap. People without fetishes think they’re bizarre and freaky, and people with them often feel ashamed and afraid to reveal their fetish to their partners. Two factors largely contribute to the current state of stigmatization — misconceptions of fetishes and poor understanding of their prevalence. The assumption that development of fetishes is voluntary and deliberate portrays it as social and sexual deviance, and the lumping of more extreme, socially unacceptable ones (bestiality, for example) with innocent ones (such as foot fetishes) further sullies the word “fetish” with a negative connotation.

And precisely because of that connotation, many people with fetishes do not readily admit to it because of the shaming mechanism they perpetuate. Indeed, there are few statistical facts regarding the prevalence of erotic fetishism, and even less reliable ones due to underreporting and misinformed definitions of what constitutes a fetish.

I’ve already briefly mentioned what is considered a fetish, but to sate your curiosity, dear readers, here is a list of some of the more common fetishes. Clothing, the inherent sexiness of underwear aside, constitutes most of fetishes actually, but manifests itself in shoes, boots, heels, gloves, diapers, corsets, swim caps(!), spandex and stockings. Other common object fetishes include rubber, leather and food. Body part fetishes, also known as partialism, commonly include feet, toes, hips, armpits, navels, pregnant bellies and the less common absence of a body part, amputee fetishism. Situational fetishes often resemble role-playing but in contrast are often required for any arousal, the more common ones being furry fetishism, infantilism, medical fetishism and the aforementioned exhibitionism and cuckolding.

It warrants clarification that using food in the bedroom, basic role-playing or focusing on a new body part on occasion during sex does not constitute having a fetish. General kinks differ in that they are the erotic-coleslaw to the sexual main-dish, whereas fetishes typically function as the reverse.

That does not, however, mean there is anything wrong or unhealthy about most fetishes. A vast majority of fetishes are entirely innocent and benign, and I encourage people to feel empowered rather than ashamed about them.

This is easily done for solo gratification but can get awkward or difficult when trying to share a fetish with a partner. The fact of the matter is yes, some people will not be sexually open to entertaining your love for heels or belly-buttons, but those people aren’t worth your time anyway if they weren’t, in the words of Dan Savage, “good, giving and game” (otherwise known as GGG).

This isn’t to say you should be mentioning on the first date that you’re into golden showers, either, though — try establishing a honest relationship based on communication, then drop the bomb and hope for the best. Just remember everyone has his or her limits of tolerability. But approaching your partner with enthusiasm can increase the chances of he or she responding positively and willingly.

And as for the other partner — there is not need to see your bedmate’s fetish as something only he or she can take pleasure in. If the thought of getting your partner off isn’t hot enough as is, just think of it as a splash of variety into your sex-life. And it really gives you some bargaining power to get your partner to indulge your kinky fantasies too. Wear those yellow, rubber kitchen gloves while you go down on him, and he’ll have no choice but to bend over to let you peg him. You get the idea — reciprocation.

I qualified earlier that I encourage most people to embrace their freaky side. I personally side with sexpert Dan Savage in abiding by the principles of consent and respect of human dignity, strictly ruling out animals, children, non-consenting adults and dead things. Vastly unhygienic or unhealthy fetishes too, like scat and self-mutilation, are also a bit too extreme.

Keep it healthy, respectful, legal and safe, and fetishes, when properly understood, can be great! Oh, and to preemptively answer the eminent question of what fetish I must have for writing a column like this, I’ll just tell you forthright — I have all of them. Duh.

Am I a fool when it comes to fetishes? Maybe. Let me know. Got problems? Questions? Comments? You know you do: [email protected]