A Cock So Huge They Won’t Quit Staring!

You’ll Be Wet All Night Long!

Become a Virgin — Again and Again!

Ah spam, how I love thee. You make people crave bigger, rounder, tighter things. The images of perfectly symmetrical, hairless tiny vaginas and monstrously veiny dicks makes one want to… puke.

The myths perpetuated by these e-mails keep us striving for bigger and more cookie-cutter genitals even though that isn’t always better or more pleasurable.

The beauty of genitalia is in its diversity, in the great variation of size, function, color, shape, tilt and pleasure of the sexual organs. There is an awesome range in build and in the many ways you can play with them. To better illustrate just how beautiful and unique you are, I will attempt to introduce you to the fantastic world of genitalia.

The penis, also known as dick, cock, purple headed monster, etc., is made out of two spongy bodies of tissue, the corpus cavernosa and the corpus spongiosum. It does not contain bone or muscle. These tissues have tons of blood vessels that fill up with blood when a male-bodied individual has an erection.

The penis typically lengthens and thickens when aroused. In fact, the size of a penis when flaccid indicates very little about the length of an erect penis. I am sorry to burst the hopes of large-handed people: There is no correlation between penis size and other body parts. Having big feet, hands or a big butt will not indicate a larger package between the legs.

The obsession with penis size is a bit odd. There really is no justification for it, particularly for vaginal sex. The vagina is sensitive at the entrance or lower third of the organ, where the majority of the nerve endings are. The rest can feel pressure but not much sensation (that’s why you can insert a tampon or menstrual cup and not feel it). Now, if you like a lengthy full feeling in the anus, a larger penis or dildo may be in order. Although with the thousands of nerve endings that the anus has, the pleasure will be great no matter what the size. In the end, go with what’s pleasurable.

The scrotum (balls, sack, etc.) can also vary in size. It also has a wealth of nerve endings. Some men particularly love to have their scrotum played with and even gently (or roughly if they so desire) pulled. Tea bagging can also be lovely. This involves taking one or both balls into your mouth. Humming at the same time can drive your partner over the edge.

There are several parts of the penis that are extremely pleasurable but may be overlooked. The first is the urethra. The opening to the urethra can vary from penis to penis. While some are at the very tip and center of the head of the penis, others can be a bit off center or even open anywhere along the shaft. The opening is very nerve dense. Some men greatly enjoy a gentle tongue lapping or even sounding — insertion of specific objects into the urethra. Please research before attempting.

The most sensitive part of the penis is generally the frenulum. This is the fleshy patch of skin on the underside of the penis, where the head meets the shaft if the male is circumcised. It also attaches the foreskin to the head of the penis if the male is not circumcised.

Speaking of foreskins:

I was reading about masturbating (strange but true), and is it really true that you’re supposed to be able to pull the foreskin all the way past the head? I can’t really do that with mine — the skin gets tighter than those stretchy pants you see girls wearing on campus. Anyway, is there a way I could loosen it up?

Dear Johnny Palm,

This controversial piece of flesh — see Hump Day columnist Alex Garen’s article (“‘Cutting’ beliefs about ‘cut’ men,” Feb. 4) — comes in all different sizes and can be played with in a multitude of ways. Many male-bodied individuals have foreskins that do not retract, or do so only slightly. Playing with your penis does not need to be done by pulling the foreskin back past the head. You can masturbate by rubbing the entire penis or pulling the foreskin forward and then back, depending on how long your foreskin is. Find whatever is pleasurable to you.

If you sincerely wish to retract it, there are a couple of techniques that can help stretch the skin. You can stretch the opening carefully every day and apply slight pressure to the area. Using a topical steroid cream can be helpful as well. This stretching will likely open your foreskin after several weeks or even months. I would recommend discussing the process with your doctor and exploring any other alternatives.

Of course there are multiple ways of masturbating. Some people can cum just by fantasizing. Playing with yourself is awesome, whether you have a foreskin or not.

Next up is the vulva. Some say that this area is like the Bermuda Triangle — you’re likely to get lost down there. I think with a bit of clarification, the vulva and its pleasure centers can be easily navigated.

The vulva, or pussy, vag, etc., is all the genitalia you can see with the naked eye. This includes the clitoris and the lips. There are two different sets of lips: the labia majora (big and outer) and the labia minora (small and inner). The outer lips are covered with hair. Both swell and can change in color when aroused. The lips can also vary in size and symmetry, and they have a lot of nerve endings. Many female-bodied individuals love to have them gently pulled and teased with the tongue or teeth.

The clitoris is an amazing organ, mainly because it is made purely for pleasure, which cannot be said for any other organ on the female or male body. The 8,000 nerve fibers are solely there to stimulate, tingle and pulse. The clitoris also swells and even becomes erect during arousal. Size ranges from person to person. As one of my friends once said, “The clit is it! Touch the clit!”

The urethra does not come out from the clitoris. Instead it opens between the clit and the opening to the vagina. The fact that it doesn’t protrude from the body does not mean women can only sit to pee. In fact, any woman can learn to pee standing up.

The main thing to keep in mind is using your fingers to spread your lips apart and slightly up. This will direct the stream and keep it on the mark. You should also pee forcefully and steadily, right to the end, and then stop completely. Don’t taper off or you will dribble. Practice in the shower, aiming for the drain, until you feel comfortable attempting the feat in the public restroom.

Now to the vagina. Despite what commercial products may have you think, the vagina cleans itself. No douches are necessary. Lubrication during arousal varies from person to situation to the time of the month. That’s why we have water and silicone lubes.

Vaginas stretch and expand during arousal. And it’s not a gaping hole; the vaginal walls rest against one another until something is inserted into the vagina. If you want a tighter vagina or simply better orgasms, Kegel exercises can be helpful.

Despite the whole tight virginal fascination, not having a hymen does not necessarily mean the vagina has had penetrative sex. Some vaginas are born without hymens. They can also break during non-sexual activity such as gymnastics or biking.

Due to two previous columns on G spots and the joys of the anus, I will only briefly summarize the facts for new readers. The female-bodied G spot is located inside the vagina on the front wall. It is typically 1 to 2 inches from the opening and can be found more easily when aroused. Size varies. When stimulated, some people ejaculate during orgasm, though this can also be accomplished with any other stimulation.

Unlike the vagina, the anus does not self-lubricate when aroused. It does, however, clean and maintain a healthy environment by itself. The amount of shit will be minimal. Just go to the bathroom when needed and wipe and shower regularly.

The anus has tons of nerve endings. It’s just waiting to orgasm. The male-bodied G spot is also located in the anus. This is where the prostate can be stimulated. Its location is similar to the female-bodied G spot. Just draw a smiley face with a lot of lube and start playing.

I hope this quick tutorial on the variety of looks, sizes and arrangements of genitalia have helped you gain a sense of pride in your own fleshy bits. Feel free to explore and play to discover even more unique characteristics!

Nicolette is a graduate student in EPS and a facilitator for Sex Out Loud. She would like to thank www.myvag.net for the peeing advice. If you have recommendations, any questions or would like to shout out your love of your own unique, beautiful genitalia, e-mail her at [email protected].