I frequently seek dating advice from men’s magazines, and I hear either one of the two: Be funny, or be a good listener. Now if I’m trying to be funny, doesn’t that make me talk too much and shows I couldn’t care less about what she says? But if I just listen, wouldn’t that make me more of a friend than someone she will want a relationship with? Please help me out — I’m really not good with this dating thing.

— Shy dude

Dear Shy Dude:

Dating can be exciting as well as nerve-wracking. It’s totally understandable to be worried about what you should do to have a successful date. The key is to balance all the things you would want involved in your potential partnership.

The reason the general recommendation for dating is to act funny and listen is because these two behaviors tend to go over very well with people. Laughter releases endorphins and helps bond people. It relaxes the body and makes you more at ease. Listening allows you time to reflect on the other person, as well as respecting the stories and responses the other person makes to your questions.

Address key similarities. Find out what you have in common. You can then incorporate laughter over what the two of you share. Don’t force jokes. Listen to the other person’s responses. Listening will not make you more of a friend; it will make you more of a trusted and responsive partner. Creating the difference between friend and significant other will depend on what and how the two of you share, whether kisses, a bed or simply more intimate details of your lives.

We also want to offer you some ideas for dates that can ease those first few date worries. The reason a dinner-and-movie date is so popular is it takes the potential stress for conversation away for half the time. We highly recommend reversing the trend and watching the movie BEFORE the conversational/dinner part of the date.

Try a movie at Sundance Cinema and then coffee after. This way you’ll have at least one thing in common — the movie — and you can discuss if you liked it, if you got it, if you hated it and other movies you’ve recently seen. That conversation starter can then lead to other likes and shared interests.

Another idea might be an active date. This will keep you both occupied with the task at hand and any silence that might happen will be natural. A good idea might be a hike through the Arboretum or a walk to see the new tiger, Cyber, at the Henry Vilas Zoo. Rock climbing at Boulders Climbing Gym will keep you focused on the task at hand while learning to trust your date as they belay you. Or you can volunteer to walk dogs at the Humane Society — fun, helpful and you get to talk about poop!

Whatever the date, with the right person the conversation will flow, you’ll have lots to talk about, and hopefully by the end you’ll have stopped counting the number of jokes you’ve made and actually start to enjoy yourself.

Good Luck!

Hey, I have a question. My girlfriend and I are in a long distance relationship so we don’t see each other much. Last summer we decided we would start having sex for the first time. Obviously, the first time for her was painful, but we expected it to get better. To our dismay, she still has pain when we have sex. Because of our long distance, it makes it hard to try with any regularity, but each time she still has pain. I was wondering if it was because she was nervous and tightening up, or if something was biologically wrong. Any insight might be great, thanks.

Dear Sex and Pain, No Gain:

Since we are not medical professionals and have never met you or your girlfriend, we can only offer some general suggestions. If the pain persists after repeated attempts, we recommend seeing a doctor. Although rare, there may be a physical reason for the pain that cannot simply be addressed in the bedroom. Far more often, some extra attention is needed to make the sex a more fun and rewarding experience for both parties.

Take it slow: In the excitement of having sex and seeing someone you care about after an absence, you want to make sure you take the time to get relaxed and warmed up before penetrating anyone.

Lube: The wetter the sex, the better the sex. Natural lubrication is great but not always available in large enough quantities. Lucky for us, lube exists. Liquid SILK is our personal favorite — not too bad of a taste, works well with latex condoms and feels great. Lubrication should be oil-free — water-based or silicone — because oil breaks down latex and can compromise the condom. And don’t just limit it to the genitals! Lube can be used to slick up and slide along every crevice on the body. It makes for awesome sensations!

More kissing, licking, sucking and touching: We know it’s been said a million times, but some people really do need more outside stimulation for their bodies to “warm up” for internal penetration.

Oral: Oral is a great warm-up or fantastic as the main attraction. It can help you and your girlfriend achieve orgasm without the painful penetration. You could also try penetration after your girlfriend has achieved an orgasm from oral sex. She may be more relaxed and lubricated after climaxing.

Insertive play: Whether vaginally or anally, sometimes a person needs a little more play with smaller objects. Use a petite vibrator, butt plug or just your fingers to stimulate your partner. This can also be useful in gauging whether or not you can move on to something larger.

Concentrate on the spot: Nearly 70 percent of women do not orgasm with vaginal-penile penetration. Some men cannot get off unless their prostate is stimulated. Concentrate on what feels pleasurable. For many women, stimulating the clitoris leads to euphoria.

We hope these tips lead to more pleasure for the both of you!

This article was written by Nicolette Pawlowski and Suzie Baker. Nicolette is a graduate student in EPS and a facilitator for Sex Out Loud. Susie is a sexual health education coordinator and wannabe homemaker. Got any questions you want answered? Dislike the responses? E-mail [email protected].