I sometimes fantasize about spanking my boyfriend. Is that normal? What if I want to make it a reality?

–Can We Add Some Spice

Thank you so much for the question, CWASS! This worry often arises among people who have desires that aren’t often portrayed in mainstream movies, TV shows and porn. Let’s be honest — the majority of the media’s representation involves two people in a heterosexual partnership having missionary and a little doggy-style sex, with lots of head for the guys and too few orgasms all around.

Wanting to fulfill other desires that fall outside of that realm is generally referred to as “kink.” Many in the kink scene might be offended I would include spooning or simple anal sex under that heading, but I would argue kink is any behavior or activity that pushes your limits and plays with different aspects of your body and mind outside of what is deemed the norm by you or society.

Kinky sex is completely normal and natural. Whether you like to play Snow White gagging on an apple, taking turns with seven different partners or if you simply enjoy the tonguing and gentle bruising of a hickey, kinky behavior happens in every partnership. Getting a thrill from being pushed up against a wall as you kiss is just as kinky as being chained to the bathtub while your partner sprays you with their golden shower.

Kink can involve a huge umbrella of activities called BDSM, which stands for Bondage, Discipline, Dominance, Submission and Sadomasochism. These categories use role play and power exchange, meaning one party typically takes a more dominant, assertive role over the more submissive party. Kink also includes fetishes and any other sex term that means a little out of the ordinary.

What is key to understand is these roles and activities are consensual. Anytime you restrict someone’s body in any way — by holding their hands above their head, by tying them up or handcuffing — or play with more risky materials such as wax or fire, or command them to do anything, it must be thoroughly and completely discussed, researched and agreed upon by all parties involved before, during and after play.

Because kink can involve what is thought of as more extreme forms of play, a general rule applies — Safe, Sane and Consensual. Many people debate and argue over what activities do or do not follow this guideline, but as long as you agree on them with your partner(s), that is up to you to decide.

When scenes are agreed upon as being more restrictive, having a clear signal to end the sex/play/scene is always needed. Generally, that is done by saying no. Or stop. But if you want to play the naughty schoolgirl who gets taught a lesson by the hunky janitor, you may want to say those words during the scene.

Remember childhood? Screaming “No! Don’t hurt me!” as your friend brandished the tree branch-turned sword over your head? Your friend knew you wanted to keep playing, because you had worked out that plan while you rolled in the sandbox the day before. That is exactly what needs to be done during sex — kinky or otherwise.

If you want to scream and fight in your sex scene, tell you partner that. And then choose a word or hand/foot/look signal whose only meaning will be to stop the scene. Whether its orangutan or silver, two taps of the hand rail, it does not matter as long as the signal is clearly defined, used and recognized by you and your partner(s). It can also be used as a clear signal outside of the sex room, such as getting your partner to stop tickling you.

So how do you get to this point, CWASS? You desire to explore your more dominant side and want to spank your partner at certain times during sex. Don’t just pull out the wooden paddle from under the bed and proceed to use it in the middle of some afternoon delight.

Use that tongue before sex! Tell your partner you want to explore different intensities of touch. Start with some feathers and some gentle slaps with the palm on your partner’s bum. Work up to that crop whip. And at each stage, check in with your partner. Too light? Work up the intensity. Too hard? Slow it down.

After the session, talk to your partner about how they felt. Do they want to incorporate it regularly into everything you do? Explore any other kinks? A great way to discover the kinky ideas you and your partner(s) may have is by creating lists. List every activity — from the simple to the risqu? — you are interested in, even the ones you have already done with your partner. Each person does one. Then exchange the lists and see what activities and scenes you would be willing to try.

For you awesome singles out there, many of these desires can be met. Madison itself has a great social kink scene. Check out Satyricon as well as the Whippersnappers. Disclaimer: No sex at group meetings. These are more social networking and finding out how to explore your different kinks.

There are also conferences and large gatherings that happen everywhere. This sex columnist recommends Dark Odyssey: Winter Fire held this year in Washington, D.C. during Valentine’s Day weekend.

And the porn! Kink.com is an amazing porn site for many tastes and people.

And the books! Tons! Just be aware that a book can only teach you so much; different types of play have to be practiced. (Thanks, Benny!)

Go and play!

Nicolette is a graduate student in EPS and a facilitator for Sex Out Loud.

Got Comments? Questions? Problems? You know you do. Ask your local sex columnists. Seriously. E-mail: [email protected].