The release of “Paul Blart: Mall Cop” was yet another disappointment for the movie industry and a huge leap backwards for the art of comedic timing. Although it was full of funny opportunities, if the movie had been based solely on the amount of times the audience had the option to laugh, then it would have been a winner. However, when 8-year-olds aren’t even giggling at the slapstick humor then something is wrong. Kevin James’ (“King of Queens,” “I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry”) first big spotlight alone on the big screen was unfortunately dubbed by lame jokes and a ridiculously unfunny script.
James plays Paul Blart, an overweight mall cop who has been rejected by the New Jersey police academy and spends his days scooting around on a Segway protecting a mall. Within the first 15 minutes of the film, it becomes clear the plot is overworked. The emphasis on the Segway alone is unrealistic. Not even at Mall of America, one of the largest malls in the world, do the security guards roll around on those bad boys. On top of that, it’s revealed that Blart’s former wife and mother of his overly sympathetic daughter only married him to avoid deportation and dumped him after her citizenship was approved. This ?ber-creative backstory really has no tie in with the plot at all, except for some poor one-liners.
The complete first half of the film is dedicated to nothing else besides introducing all the rarities of Blart’s life and the sickeningly overplayed relationships he has, among them Blart’s crush, Amy (Jayma Mays, “Epic Movie”), who runs a hair extension kiosk at the mall and is surprisingly sweet, pretty and polite. The list of disgustingly overdone relationships and characters goes on.
Yet, the introductory mash-up of relationships pales in comparison to the actual “conflict” of the film, which involves a team of punk skateboarders and bikers with guns who had been cleverly disguised as Santa’s elves at the mall. To perhaps entice viewers to not roll their eyes in disgust, some of them can climb the walls in the style of Parkour. However, if Parkour is what you’re interested in, just find it on YouTube to save yourself the money and time.
Not only is the plot mind-numbingly bad, but it insults our intelligence with plot holes. When the punks of the movie request a ransom for hostages they’ve taken from the mall, they plan on flying them to the Bahamas after they get the money. Why in the world they need to fly hostages to the Bahamas after they’ve gotten the money is never addressed. And in a movie targeting college-age students who have mostly likely seen tons of other movies with hostage situations, this glaring error is really bothersome.
Since this film is supposed to be a comedy, most of the attempts ensue as Blart slowly takes out all the punk henchmen one by one. Most might question the reality of Blart somehow knocking each one out so magically they are not injured, but stay passed out for the rest of the movie. Apparently for director Steve Carr (“Are We Done Yet”), attention to detail — or attention to anything — really isn’t on the top of his list. More fighting and not-so-clever plans from Blart, mixed in with a couple of passing out scenes from the hypoglycemia, fill up the rest of the hour-and-a-half runtime, which feels most like three hours.
Kevin James draws in the crowds, but they’re not leaving happy. When the elderly are falling asleep and the 8-year-olds are playing on their PSPs, something’s not right. Unfortunately, for “Paul Blart: Mall Cop,” a lot is not right. An overworked script and pathetic attempts at comedy prove Blart’s character is one that didn’t need to be played out on the big screen. If you are planning on wasting money on this film anyway, bring something to do, or someone to make out with, because you’re certainly not going to be watching the movie.
1 out of 5 stars.
