Americans love psychopathic killers; at least they do when these monsters are on the silver screen and not in their closets. Yet, for every Leatherface (“The Texas Chain Saw Massacre”) and Michael Myers (“Halloween”), there is always a Harry Warden. While the first two became instant classics and spawned numerous sequels, the third, the pickax-wielding coalminer in the slasher flick “My Bloody Valentine,” has only managed to avoid complete anonymity thanks to its cult following. Nevertheless, that did not stop producers from creating an unoriginal, far from terrifying remake destined to meet the same fate as its predecessor.
That is not to say that they did not attempt to improve upon the original. Easily the most striking of these changes is the use of 3-D technology. New Real D technology provides the film with a dynamic blend of old-school slashing and state-of-the-art 3-D cinematography sure to digitally assault your senses. Unfortunately, not even the best special effects available can help an otherwise horrible film.
Set in a small mining town, the film starts off running when Harry Warden, the sole survivor of a mine cave-in, goes on a blood-splattered rampage in an attempt to rebel against those responsible for the accident. Flash forward 10 years and the town, still suffering from its past, is once again at the mercy of a deranged coalminer, only this time no one knows whether the presumed dead Warden is back or if someone else is hiding behind that murderous mask.
Although the movie differs greatly from the original, it is similar in many ways to other slasher films from the past and present. In fact, the climax is oddly almost a perfect meshing of two other films (the names of which have been purposely omitted so as to not spoil the ending). What is truly disappointing, though, is that the only thing making this movie unique is its Valentine’s Day ties, yet this aspect of the film is thoughtlessly forced into the plot. In the original, this traditionally romantic holiday plays an integral part in the overall story whereas this film uses the theme solely as a sick justification for displaying more gore via bloody human hearts in candy boxes.Then there is the acting, which, as has become the standard for today’s horror films, is only slightly above atrocious. But what do you expect when the majority of the cast’s onscreen credits only include an assortment of smalltime guest TV spots and B movies. It seems as if the universal attitude around the set was who cares if the person can act or not as long as they are willing to run around a hotel in the nude.
With all that said, this film would not be a true slice-and-dice horror flick if it did not include a simplistic, run-of-the-mill screenplay and terrible actors screaming bloody murder as they are chased through the woods and brutally slaughtered. All the classics lived by this formula, and for that reason, this is what we have to come to expect from slasher films. Therefore, it is forgivable. The only thing that really matters is whether the movie curdles your blood and tingles your spine. That is where director Patrick Lussier (“Dracula 2000”) screwed up.
Although Lussier has spent his career directing horror films, the bulk of his work consists of direct-to-video sequels. Unsurprisingly, his lack of experience shows as he develops few fear-provoking scenes. Instead, he overloads on the amount of bloody mutilation and nudity and effectively creates another tasteless addition to the torture porn genre. The major letdown is how little Lussier uses the 3-D technology to his advantage. If you are going to piss off the Motion Picture Association of America as it is with all this gore, let us have some more pickaxes going through the back of heads, send more eyeballs and body parts soaring into the theater and have less of the lame flashlight beams and fire explosions.
With its inability to instill fear and generate screams, “My Bloody Valentine 3-D” is sure to leave audiences with little more than a broken heart. Yet, as the tagline states, “Nothing says date movie like a 3-D ride to hell,” so if you are looking for a small slice of entertainment that will allow you to cozy up to that special someone, it might be worth a shot.
1 1/2 stars out of 5.
