“I’ve been casually seeing a girl for about a year now with on and off hookups. I’d say we only get together about once a month or so, and could be labeled as ‘fuck buddies.’ The thing is, I’m getting the feeling that she wants to take the relationship beyond the casual state it’s at, and perhaps start dating. My friend is great, but I do not have interest in dating her. I’m actually hoping to put an end to the casual sex thing and remain good friends with her. So how do I go about transitioning into a friendship and not upsetting her in the process?”
First a big “Thank you” for the question! As sex educators, we get a plethora of questions regarding the rules, etiquette and complications of all types of relationships: hookups, four year commitments that lead to marriage, open relationships, one night stands, long distance relationships, fuck buddies and simply dating.
We’ve found that the key to straddling the spectrum and limiting the amount of hurt that can be caused in the process is a tool that you have read over and over in this column: communication both with oneself and your partner.
Just an aside before we get to the fun bits. We realize we keep coming back to communication. We want to make it clear we believe firmly in the three C’s to great sex: condoms, communication and consent. When you have what all partners want pertaining to all three, you’ve set yourself up for a healthy sex life.
Our advice to Friends-Again: You clearly know what you want. Now you need to talk with your friend in order to move your relationship in the direction you want and change the status quo. Tell her that you want to refocus the relationship and work on the friendship the two of you have.
Remind her of all the great things you did before your time was filled with shacking up. Like how cool you think it is when you both laugh at your roommate’s obsession with World of Warcraft, but sometimes stay in on Fridays to secretly play it together. Focus on whatever it was that started your friendship as well as what remains of it.
The key to shifting the nature of a relationship is putting an effort into what you want it to become or, in your case, go back to. As your question alluded to, it isn’t easy to take a relationship down a notch, especially when your partner wants to start dating.
Be wary of dates or similar — things like dinner and a movie with just the two of you. Take her out for a beer, a game of golf or a movie, but do it in groups with your mutual friends, at least at the beginning of the transition.
Change is difficult for everyone, and sending out not-so-subtle signs of your continued desire to be friends without benefits is a boon. Thank her for an awesome night of darts and then head to bed. Without her.
Keep your intentions unquestionably clear. For everyone’s sake, don’t let your libido get the best of your newly defined boundaries.
When you offer up your slice of rejection, be prepared. While you may have clearly outlined your “fuck buddy” status early on, no one can account for feelings and how they may grow. If your intuition is right, your partner may not be pleased that the relationship isn’t heading in the direction she wants it to go.
The best-case scenario is that your friend feels similarly and is ready to end the sexual component of your relationship. We advise to take the Boy Scouts motto to heart and be prepared for some hurt feelings and an adjustment period. People don’t usually bounce from friend to lover to friend again, and the transition could be difficult.
One of the biggest causes of status quo changes can be distance. College is a four-year melting pot. People from all over the state, region and country come together for nine months of the year to meet up, make out and break up under the guise of getting a degree. The friends and lovers one meets in college are subject to our increasingly global community and its increasingly confusing relationship boundaries.
When graduation, a school change or even winter break comes along, it may be difficult to adjust to the change in space. Long distance relationships can be very hard, both on the libido and the heart. Distance can sometimes make the heart grow fonder, but that can depend on the effort and time spent to keep interest flowing.
Changing the sex from the bedroom to the phone or Skype can be daunting at first, not to mention a bit silly or awkward. Remember that sex in the bedroom as well as on the phone isn’t as pretty and airbrushed as what’s shown in porn. Take a deep breath and tell your partner what you have been fantasizing about, or simply what you miss.
Exploring yours and your partner’s needs through words and heavy breathing can give you new insights and ideas about what turns you both on. Webcams and vibrators that can be controlled by your partner on the other end of the world — or in Milwaukee — can help cross that distance and bring color and touch to an otherwise contactless situation.
Dealing with change, or initiating it, can be intimidating. Communicating your intentions and desires can create great new relationships, whether in the bedroom, on the phone or simply over coffee.
To Friends-Again: We hope your transition is smooth and the friendship stronger than ever. And we hope you, and all our readers, continue to lubricate your relationships with communication. Have fun and be safe out there!
This article was written by Nicolette Pawlowski and Suzie Baker. Nicolette is a graduate student in EPS and a facilitator for Sex Out Loud and Susie is a sexual health education coordinator and wannabe homemaker. Comments? Questions? E-mail [email protected].
