Ever come home from class needing to release the tension from a statstics exam, only to find your partner is tired and only wants to curl up on the couch? Or woken up in the morning (or afternoon) just wanting to be eaten out, but your partner is still happily sleeping?

Finding the time to work with two or more libidos can be frustrating, especially when day-to-day events get in the way. Classes can sap one’s energy, and work can drag on for hours; couple that with personal preferences, like one partner wanting it in the morning while the other wants it only after dinner. The bottom line: Adjusting to schedules and preferences can get wearisome. And trying to figure out how to address differences can be touchy. The key to addressing these dilemmas comes from communication, experimentation, self- pleasure and planning.

We are not implying that sex does or does not create a meaningful relationship, but we’re going to work on the assumption that if you’re reading this, your sex life is important. With that in mind, finding yourself wanting more — or less — sex than your partner can be related to a number of issues outside the bedroom.

If your partner is double majoring, has a part time job and is volunteering as well, perhaps the issue is not with their desire or libido, but rather a shift of priorities. Letting your partner know your sex life is important to you and your relationship is more fulfilling if you have sex more often can shift some attention to the neglected area.

So how do you go about asking for more ass without sounding like one? Addressing such shifts in a non-confrontational, non-accusatory manner can foster growth in areas you feel have been unattended. Making time for sex with your partner in a concrete way doesn’t have to be dutiful or dull.

Putting a condom in your lover’s lunch box could be a pleasant surprise for them during a stressful workday and for you after dinner. It doesn’t even have to be that fresh; simply planning a weekly date night or just squeezing in moments of intimacy can be the spark to realign those priorities.

When conflict arises from differences in libido the issue can be addressed in several ways. You can think of sex as exercise. Generally, the more you do it, the better you get at it and the more you want to do it. Fitting in a quickie — oral, anal or otherwise — even when you aren’t in the mood, might actually pique your interest, and you could end up having fantastic unplanned sex.

This is not to say that coercion or pressure to have sex is acceptable, regardless of whatever stage in a relationship a person is or is not in. Great sex cannot be compulsory. What we are encouraging is trying out sex when you aren’t completely in the mood and seeing what happens. A little massage or lick may send you into shivers. How can that be a bad thing?

So the condom is in the lunch box, but the massage didn’t lead to more, and you are still left wanting. Perhaps it’s time to know thyself. Masturbation can take the pressure off your partner and address your needs. Be sure to keep communicating about how you are meeting your needs with your partner so they know you don’t find them inadequate.

It’s incredibly difficult to tell someone they don’t meet your needs, especially when they believe masturbation is a sufficient substitute for love. You may have to be vigilant about this, but it’s part of accepting that different libidos exist and co-habitat from time to time. Communicating to your partner that you want to work with their libido as well as your own will take the pressure off the partner. If you’re having a hard time communicating, it may be time to talk with your doctor and/or therapist to facilitate.

So what if the issue is that your partner just isn’t up to snuff? We can’t stress communication enough. Most of us would rather learn a thing or two then keep on plugging away blindly. When it comes to issues of sexual prowess, you’re treading on hallowed ground. You need to address this with empathy and respect.

Ask yourself, “How would I like to be told?” You can use subtle coaching during sex, like giving non-verbal signals or using directional terms. Playing an exploration game — with naughty dice or simply with a flashlight — can get your partner to touch new places and can allow you to tell your partner, “When you put your hand right there, it feels so good!”

You can also remind your partner of that one time they did something to blow your mind, literally, using specific examples. Positive feedback is a must. And if you’re feeling really bulletproof on your performance, you can ask, “What would you change about what I’m doing?” Just be prepared.

Sexual intimacy and orgasms are sometimes pushed to the side when day-to-day tasks and other adventures take up our attention. If that doesn’t bother you — awesome. But if you want to be getting more and better sex, use these various techniques to discuss and shift additional attention to that area. Ideally, the next time you come home exhausted from a lecture that just dragged on for hours, instead of falling asleep to music, you and your partner can turn up the music and start exploring where the best spot is to relieve all that tension.

This article was written by Nicolette Pawlowski and Susie Baker. Nicolette is a graduate student in EPS and a facilitator for Sex Out Loud, and Susie is a sexual health education coordinator and wannabe homemaker. Comments? Questions? Email: [email protected].