As finals approach, the horror genre seems bitterly appropriate. Often a marginalized genre, horror films seem to be held to much stricter critique, so the true test is whether or not a horror flick can surpass being “just a horror movie” and the cheap stigma that goes with it.
“One Missed Call” (2008)
Yet another Japanese-to-American adapted horror film, “One Missed Call” is one call that ought to be missed. Missed, avoided like a Ben Stiller movie and burned from the history of movies, actually.
Adapted from the 2005 J-horror flick of the same name, “Chakushin Ari” in Japanese, “One Missed Call” didn’t have much to work with from the start. The plot elements of the original are as recycled as they are cliche, virtually combining “Ju-On” with “Ringu.” Famous J-horror director Takashi Miike’s “Chakushin Ari,” while successfully scary, left the viewer feeling a bit cheated by its unoriginality. The American version, however, has neither originality nor a scare factor to offer, further proving the theory that any Japanese horror film will inevitably be better than its Hollywood remake (a rule I only concede in the case of the first “The Ring.”)
In “One Missed Call,” a string of strange deaths occur when people start getting voicemails from themselves in the future, the moment before they die. Then — yes, you guessed it — they die that way. And, of course, a pissed-off ghost is behind it all. However, since the plotting of the movie seems to have no thought behind it, there’s little sense of what’s actually going on, and even less motivation to figure it out because it’s all so laughably bad. Horrible actors just start dying ridiculous deaths without any character development to establish their link to the heroine (Shannyn Sossamon, “Wristcutters”). The obligatory macho detective and the ghost plot are introduced in similarly slipshod manners, leaving the viewer wondering if anyone edited the film or even drew up storyboards.
Yet all the technical shortcomings could probably have been forgiven if this scary movie were actually, you know, scary. “One Missed Call,” however, decides to stray from the subtlety of the original and show you zombie-ghost-things ad nauseam until the dead apparitions become humorously abundant rather than scary, even though they weren’t scary in the first place due to their tactless, blunt presentation.
Failing at the most basics of Horror Movies 101, “One Missed Call” is nothing short of a total disaster. It’s short and absurd enough that mocking it a la “MST3K” can prove to be rather amusing. Otherwise, miss this one and stick to the original versions of horror films.
1/2 star out of 5
“The Orphanage” (2007)
It’s not surprising that a horror film made outside of America is actually decent. The reason this Spanish film is good is not simply because it’s foreign, but rather because foreign horror movies just avoid pandering to fatuous crowds that want a cheap thrill. Take “One Missed Call,” for example, which was an awful movie, but banked revenue two times its budget. That being said, “The Orphanage” (“El Orfanato” in its homeland), is a genuinely well-made scary movie that doesn’t dumb itself down.
A blend between a haunted house story, a vengeful ghost story, and an expos? of the insane, “The Orphanage” follows a married couple that renovates an abandoned orphanage and opens a small halfway home for needy kids. When their adopted son begins mentioning his new invisible friends, then vanishes indefinitely, the mother begins seeing images of her son and other children and embarks on a fanatic quest to find her son, eventually leading her to the edge of insanity.
Chosen as Spain’s nominee for the Best Foreign Film Oscar, “The Orphanage” ended up earning seven Goyas (the Spanish version of an Academy Award) as well as critical acclaim. As suggested, the premise takes the inherently creepy nature of wayward children (remember “Children of the Corn”?), and twists it with unnerving psychological wariness. A kid in a creepy burlap-sack mask, quietly heaving and growling in a dim hallway, is far more frightening than any half-dead CGI nonsense.
The great thing about “The Orphanage” is that it feels incredibly sincere, not giving in once to any ridiculous, exploitative horror-film trick or cliche. Sound and smooth in every technical aspect, it delivers a haunting and creepy ghost story in a romanticized way. Ultimately, it is as touching as it is chilling, albeit predictable to the observant viewer.
Though the plot leaves a few things rather unexplained, and it drags a bit with the medium, the reliance on solid storytelling and character development to deliver a truly eerie effect is a breath of fresh air in the choking miasma of abused special effects and cheap jump-scares that pervade most contemporary Hollywood horror films. “The Orphanage” is old school with the best of new school acting, camerawork, artistic edge and creativity.
I realize most people don’t like subtitles, but I guarantee you the American remake of this will be utter shit, and you won’t find many modern horror flicks as well-crafted as this.
4 stars out of 5
Oh, the horror! Though, the true atrocity has been the slop Hollywood’s cranking out. We can only hope they realize the error of their ways before we see “The Grudge 3” or another bland, gore-fest “Saw” movie.
Want some good foreign horror suggestions? Want to yell at me for “hating American film”? E-mail me at [email protected].
