As regular readers may notice, I tend to select relatively well-constructed
and well-received movies for my column; the liberty to choose appealing movies
is a fortunate perk of the position. However, in honor of the debauchery no
doubt carried on by hordes of college students on their spring break vacations,
I?ve decided to pick two of the worst-looking spring break movies. If only I
had known what I was in for?
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?Spring Break Shark Attack? (2005)
2 1/2 stars out of 5
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Wow, the name just says it all, doesn?t it? There?s a shark
attack? during spring break! That?s really all there is to the made-for-TV film
which cleverly adapts the archetypal shark scare concept made legendary by
?Jaws.? However, largely due to the many ?Jaws? sequels themselves, ?shark
movies? have become pretty synonymous with campy trash, too bad to be labeled
as B-grade.
?Spring Break Shark Attack? (?SBSA?) doesn?t live up to the
suspenseful standards of Spielberg, but it doesn?t feign to, either. Instead of
being an overproduced Hollywood disaster, ?SBSA? is aware that it?s meant for
the small screen and ultimately benefits from the humility. The cast is an
ensemble of TV actors, most notably Shannon Lucio (?The O.C.?), as the lead,
college girl Danielle, who defies her dad, finds love and conquers her fears in
a whopping 98 minutes. Most of the cast, especially Lucio, gives a respectable
performance ? for television at least.
?SBSA,? of course, is not a movie to be taken seriously.
Nevertheless, it actually mildly succeeds on two fronts: There are a few
genuinely funny moments, and some of the shark scenes are pretty tense. It
fails, however, when it tries to be serious or overly sinister. The ?deep?
pseudo-self-revelation of gaining independence is unnecessary and the allegory
of chauvinistic Lotharios being the real threat on spring break, although
promising, falls flat midway. ?SBSA? also goes over the top on the sharks; the whole
swarm and its explanation aren?t nearly as effective as the innate fear roused
by our utter vulnerability to deep-sea baddies in their territory. Any
credibility of ?deeper meaning? is ultimately devoured by the ridiculousness of
it all.
Rather than a typical spring break glorification homage,
?SBSA? goes to some lengths to actually criticize the mindless mob mentality
and shallow hypersexuality behind the travel phenomenon. Alas, if only they
hadn?t laid it on quite so thick. Yet, the movie is surprisingly not as bad as
it seems. And if nothing else, you get to see scores of loathsome MTV
caricatures become shark bait? so, not a bad deal. ?SBSA? is a decent party
movie, but there are better horror movies and better shark movies ? probably
not better spring break movies, though.
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?From Justin to Kelly: A Tale of Two Idols? (2003)
0 stars out of 5
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Opening with a remix of the song ?Vacation (All I Ever Wanted)?
is a telling sign of how unsubstantial the film ?From Justin to Kelly? (?FJ2K?)
is. Regretfully, it only worsens.
The basic premise is that both Justin and Kelly, and their
respective posses, head to Miami for spring break madness with a pop-infused
twist only deliverable by the two then up-and-coming singers from ?American
Idol.? However, the disconnect from reality is that Justin Guarini and Kelly
Clarkson aren?t playing themselves, so why the title identifies the actors
rather than their characters is immediately misleading. Either way, ?FJ2K? is
not an idol of anything, except perhaps the movie-mocking Razzie awards of
which the movie commanded eight nominations.
The only thing worse than the overproduced, redundant and uninspired
singing in this ?film? is the dancing, which is the least enthused or
synchronized movement perhaps ever caught on camera, raising speculation as to
what lazy, grossly underachieving choreographer was hired for this bit. But
don?t think the songs in ?FJ2K? are decent by any stretch either; I survived
the first few but wound up muting the insipid banshee pop four times by the
time the credits finally saved me.
Going past ?so-bad-it?s-good? on the ridiculosity scale,
?FJ2K? is just agonizingly unpleasant. It?s simply killed by ridiculous acting,
an uncomfortably unconvincing romance, the worst song and dance combo ever, and
Justin?s face. The only laugh in this entire ?is-it-over-yet?? fiasco is when a
guy gets a concussion during a high-stakes hovercraft race to win Kelly over. I
only wish someone had given me a concussion during ?FJ2K.?
The epitome of spring break douchebaggery, ?From Justin to
Kelly? is by far the worst spring break movie of all time, and one of the worst
movies in general. Worthy of no stars ? only Razzie awards ? forget
waterboarding, it?s this movie that should be banned.
Do I regret subjecting myself to watching no-talents either
sing or get eaten on the beach? Yes, but it?s undeniably more fun to write
scathing reviews. If you?re craving some masochism, look no further.
Oh, and here are some ?spring? movies that actually look
worthwhile: ?Springtime in a Small Town,? ?Spring, Summer, Fall, Winter,
Spring,? and ?Spring Breakdown.?
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Know a good group therapy class for people exposed to
?FJ2K?? I?m still having nightmares. Send regards this way: [email protected].
