Dear Anthony,

I moved here to go to
college a couple years ago from California. I can't really afford to go home
all the time, so I had planned to go to Christmas at my girlfriend's house here
in town. Unfortunately, she dumped me a couple of weeks ago, and now I don't
have anywhere to go and don't know what to do with myself.

Lonely Coastie

LC,

That blows. That blows worse than the entire state of
Illinois and all of their drivers combined. That blows worse than reality TV.
Christmas, my personal favorite of all of the holidays, is definitely a time to
be with ones you love. However, if the one you love has kicked you to the curb
(and who does that right before the holidays?) it is best to fill that void
with something of equal quality.

First of all, don't forget about the important stuff: the
J-man's birthday. For the past 2,000 or so years, people have been celebrating
his birthday. That's pretty damn impressive, but then again, until recent
advances in medicine, coming back from the dead was similarly pretty damn
impressive. Find yourself a church to spend a few hours at Thursday. It won't
be the sweet dinner and hot sex you might have had at your lady friend's house,
but you might get invited to dinner with the pastor or something. If that
doesn't work, I would suggest looking for something that you can do for the
good of mankind. Try working the day in a soup kitchen or go have lunch with
Scanner Dan or Steam Tunnel Bob. Even though you might feel shitty about the
day, you can feel good about yourself and know you made the day a little bit
brighter for someone else.

The key here is to do something to make yourself feel better
about being single and alone on Christmas Day. I don't think the James Bond
marathon on TNT is going to make up for this, either.

If you're like me, though, the only way you'll feel better
about yourself is to make other people feel bad. And if anyone deserves to feel
bad this holiday, it's that bitch of an ex-girlfriend. Clearly, you know where
she lives, so you could just go to her Christmas and see how it goes. They're
not really going to tell you, "No, you can't come in. Spend Christmas alone" — unless
they are the world's biggest bastards. But she is, so they might be too; it's
hard to say.

So if you gain admission to the gala, I say you sit down to
dinner and eat the delicious meal and then line up a brilliant escape route to
the door and announce a toast. You have to have an escape plan! Toast your ex's
family for a nice meal and a happy Christmas, and then tell them what a giant
bitch their daughter is. Just go as long as you can before someone stands up
and moves toward you. That is the time you need to run. If you see so much as a
flinch from any dads, uncles, grandpas, etc., you get the fuck out that door.

If you couldn't gain access to the gala, there are a lot of
nice options. Maybe you shit on someone's hood, piss on a door handle, ream
some valve cores, kick lawn ornaments or egg their house. However, if you're
stupid enough to do most of those things, you probably will have to pay some
sort of consequences — like restitution, jail time or something else that the
man will try to put on you.

Don't forget to stir the pot,

Anthony

Oh, and also, in response to some of last week's comments
about me thinking rape jokes are funny: First of all, I in no way said anything
about rape or that it was funny. I'm not sure what sort of article you were
reading, but you are a complete idiot. Seriously people, remove your heads from
your asses before you post on these walls. I want to have some faith in the
human race left for tomorrow.

Anthony Heddlesten is
studying to be a pollution control engineer. If you have the holiday blues, e-mail
[email protected] if you
need anything, other than empathy.