Dear Anthony,
I live with three roommates in an apartment on Henry Street. We were friends last year in the dorms (we lived in Ogg, RIP) and got along pretty well. Now that we are living together, some problems have arisen.
One in particular is that one of my roommates has poor hygiene. None of my other roommates really noticed this last year, as we all lived with other people in the dorms. Now, it is getting to the point where it is hard to be in the same room as Mr. Smelly. He almost always smells like day-old urine, and I cringe whenever he sits or lies on my futon in our living room. I have even missed out on chances to hook up with girls I come home with because they can’t stand the smell of our apartment and think I am the dirty one. The worst part of all of this is he is a good guy, stench aside.
How should my roommates and I break the news to our friend that he smells worse than William Hung sings?
— Stinky by Association
Dear SBA,
First of all, I feel your pain. Although I never had to deal with day-old urine, I had a roommate take an after-bar-time wee into what he thought was the trash can and spend the next 20 minutes wiping down his laptop and computer desk drawer with the towel that he used in the shower. To this day, I do not believe he ever washed that towel. Your problem is a touchy one because roommates can also be touchy people. You share the same space day in and day out, and your only escape is to go back to the dredges of school. You are also bound to each other and your landlord through an extremely well-crafted lease, no doubt. This being said, there are two options you can take. I do not know the kind of person your roommate is, so I cannot necessarily say which one to take, but I will give you the two best options and let you decide on your own.
Option 1: Tread lightly and carry a big … bar of soap.
Many people deal well with subtle hints and various other nonconfrontational situations that get the point across. Remember when your mom took away your porno magazines and replaced them with Good Housekeeping or some stupid shit like that? You are not the only one in the house; therefore, considering you are not the world’s biggest jerk or anything, he might not suspect you at first. Better yet, it might make such a personally embarrassing moment that he will not talk to you or anyone else about it. That said, here is what you should do:
1. Bring up the garbage smelling bad, then go take it out. You are being a nice guy that way. When you get back, mention how surprised you are about how much it still smells in the room.
2. Open the window because it still smells so bad. Hope that it is blistering cold out. When he asks you to shut it, mention the nasty, piss-garbage smell is making you nauseated.
3. Get your roommate to go with you to the gym. Play harder than you have ever played and offer him the first shower when you get back. Once again, you are an amazingly nice guy.
4. Mention that you are going grocery shopping and ask him if he needs anything like, say, soap.
5. Get one of these “hookups” to mention his bad hygiene when she comes over. My only concern here is that you have not previously warned her pre-entry to the land of wee. Two things may come out of this. The first is that your roommate will take note of what she said and bathe. The second is that your roommate will complain about that girl, but you just tell him you kicked her ass to the curb because you did not like her bad attitude. You are still the good guy.
6. Avoid your roommate. Replace your presence with a flowery smelling air freshener. You do not have to say a word, but the message will get across.
Option 2: Be blunt. Be like Anthony.
I know that everything I’ve said up to this point is sensible and takes into account your roommate’s feelings, but let’s be realistic here. You have feelings too, right? Why can’t your roommate get the picture? Draw the stinky guy a better picture. If I had to do this, it would go like this:
“Hey, man. Could I talk to you for a minute?”
“Yeah, sure. What’s up?” (emanating stink)
“I don’t mean to be a jackass or anything, but you are dirty, stinky fuck. It’s fucking up my groove. Did you see that girl over last night? She was a solid 4.5. Do you know the last time a mildly attractive girl has talked to me? Months, dude, months. So, I bring her back here to do the horizontal mambo, and what does she say? ‘Your apartment smells like day-old piss.’ Day-old piss, you rat bastard! Unless you plan on buying me hookers for the rest of the year every time I get shot down, you better heed the following advice:
1. You will bathe daily. With soap and water, really girly-smelling shit.
2. You will learn how to wash your clothes so they don’t smell musty because you’re too cheap to put another 50 cents into the dryer.
3. You will no longer be a dirty, stinky fuck, or I will take my bar of soap and beat you with it in your sleep. I hope we’re clear on the matter.”
“Uhhh…”
“No, you don’t get a rebuttal. Get in the shower, douche bag.”
Fair warning: You better be ready for two things. The first is that your roommate is going to try to fight you. That’s what stinky folk do. I hope you’re bigger than he is. The second is that you are going to hear everything bad that you have ever done. It is one of those ‘he without sin cast the first stone’ kind of situations. Let’s be clear though: You’re not dirty, you’re not stinky, and you have gotten laid in the past three years. I think you have some pretty good arguments, but you’re on your own to defend them.
Anyway SBA, I sure hope this helps. Best of luck getting one of those hookups to work and your roommate to bathe.
Don’t forget to stir the pot,
Anthony
Anthony is studying to be a pollution control engineer. He is in no way, shape or form qualified to give advice; however, he did once date a girl who always talked a bunch of psychobabble bullshit. If you dare, send your sordid secrets to [email protected].
