"TMNT" is a POS.
When I heard the Heroes in a Half-Shell were making their way back to the silver screen, I immediately jumped for joy, higher than had I been wearing P.F. Flyers. This was a chance to recapture one of the best parts of my childhood, when watching four radioactive tortoises well-versed in martial arts fight crime in New York City was often the best part of my day.
Instead, "TMNT" made me realize my childhood — and yours too, might I add — is more lost than a sock in the dryer.
"TMNT" is a completely CGI animated film that documents the Masked Mutants' exploits, following the second feature film in the franchise "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze" (1991) and seemingly ignoring the third — and previously most disappointing — film in the series.
The first problem with "TMNT" is the title itself, which should have been a dead giveaway of what I was going to see. When I was a kid, the constant repetition of a name as ridiculous as "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" was totally acceptable. Before AIM, giving something so cool an acronym would be sacrilege, on par with asserting the Chicago Cubs will win the World Series.
My next warning sign came en route to the movie theatre. As the weekend's highest grossing movie — beating out such cinematic blockbusters as "The Last Mimzy" — the theatre was crowded. Not surprising, but it was full of kids with shirts and action figures to match the movie. Three summers of camp counseling should have prepared me for what I was about to experience. As a youth, I would've thought it an atmosphere better than DZ: Discovery Zone, but it was worse than being at a proctology seminar.
Then the movie started, and everything got worse.
First off, the main conflict of the story does not surround any particular villain or catastrophic event, so much as it deals with Raphael's inability to cope with the fact that Leonardo is the leader of the group. Apparently, no one ever alerted him to the Toys "R" Us sales figures from back in the day.
The plot revolves around Leonardo leaving for a South American jungle — obviously a turtle's natural habitat — to learn how to become a better leader. This leaves the rest of the group shell-shocked, and their turtle family splits up. Upon Leonardo's return, the group struggles to rekindle the flame of their former brotherhood.
Sounds more like a "Dr. Phil" episode than your favorite '90s cartoon series, right?
You also might remember a character by the name of The Shredder from said series — won't find him here.
Instead, the main antagonist is an immortal New York billionaire tycoon — he strikes an uncanny resemblance to Mr. Incredible — who is attempting to capture a baker's dozen of ancient monsters (like Pokemon, gotta catch 'em all) unleashed by the tycoon from an alternate dimension 3,000 years ago.
The dialogue uses "dude" and "cowabunga" extensively, but generally seems much too deep, serious and unfunny for a movie staring mutant ninja turtles. Sort of like seeing Tara Reid use big words and wear a lab coat.
Missing from the worst plot since "Dreamcatcher" are "TMNT" staples Bebop, Rocksteady, Krang and the Technodrome. April O'Neil is not so much a reporter as a Lara Croft wannabe. Even pizza is all but cut out.
It's basically like watching Star Wars without Darth Vader or any Skywalker, and all the spaceships are replaced with minivans. Et tu, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles?
There are some bright spots.
The visuals and CGI are fantastic, despite Master Splinter looking like the Cheetos cat with mange. It truly is a perfect medium for the deadly. This makes the lack of the classic characters all the more maddening as Krang and Co. would've been jaw-dropping with this CGI. They already have a parallel dimension; why not use Dimension X, another staple of the series.
The voice cast is a strong one also, blending famous actors with voice specialists well. Laurence Fishburne narrates, while Patrick Stewart (billionaire tycoon), Sarah Michelle Geller (April O'Neil), Mako (Splinter) and Kevin Smith (random diner attacked by a Gremlin) all make appearances.
In the end, the movie simply left out too much of the core of the series, making the film neat to watch, but painful to absorb.
I couldn't put it more concisely or say it better than one 7-or-so-year-old kid lugging a Michelangelo action-figure when the lights came on.
"That sucked. 'Pinocchio' was better."
Grade: 1 out of 5
