You're alone in your room, it's a rainy afternoon, you just finished your midterms and you find yourself completely at a loss as to what to do. Daytime TV isn't your cup of tea. You're surely not going to do homework, so where does that leave you? An afternoon of porn. This surely is when most people log onto their Internet site of choice. Porn is usually a solitary activity — unless you're in a group of 15-year-old boys on a Friday night — done under hush-hush conditions. But porn doesn't have to be enjoyed alone. In fact, it can make for excellent foreplay or even a way to get both you and your partner off without either of you actually doing anything. You might be skeptical about this. I mean, this could only work if it's really over-the-top, amazingly erotic, skips-the-blue-balls-stage porn. Well, heads up: The fact that you're watching this with your partner is sex enough. I'm talking about pseudo sex. To me, pseudo sex is basically having sex by doing everything but having sex. Now, pseudo sex can come in a large array of forms, from cyber sex to phone sex to text sex to watching porn together. Even though there is no physical consummation involved, these pseudo sex acts can still get pretty steamy. Let's start with the ever-popular, almost to the point of saturated practice of cyber sex. One can go to virtually any chat room, even ones where the topic is something like, say, world peace, and an array of instant messages will pop up on your screen. The grand majority of these will be robo-hoes — fake computerized messages that try to seduce you into scams. However, you may get lucky and receive a dirty message from another horny somebody living in rural Georgia. Cyber sex is the least exciting way to go. Most likely, the person you're cybering with is some 58-year-old, bald, fat man named Bernie. Also, the "liveness" combined with the "fakeness" of this medium almost rushes the mood. Firing a response back takes away from savoring the moment. In a nutshell, cyber sex is just a tad sketchy, and unless you're very desperate to get off from a stranger, stick to one of the other, more suitable branches of pseudo sex. Let's move on to text sex. This might be my pseudo-sex position of choice. You're running errands at the bank, easily the most boring place ever. All of a sudden, your ring tone — "Ice, Ice, Baby" — goes off and you get a dirty little surprise. While the teller is chatting in a monotone voice about all the money you don't have, your mood can be infinitely enhanced by receiving a naughty text of what your partner wants to do with you when you return. The great thing about text sex is it can be done virtually everywhere. Who says you can't have sex in school? You can be sitting in class, while your professor is explaining aspects of thermodynamics, and have sex at the same time. Talk about multitasking! Some might argue that text sex is impersonal. I would like to argue to the contrary. Text sex is playful. Sometimes it's more fun to text certain things than to say them directly. When desires are vocalized, they can sometimes sound really tacky. This will bring us into the next area of pseudo sex — phone sex. Phone sex is probably the most classic example. In fact, it's becoming a timeless tradition that horny people all over the world have enjoyed for more than 100 years. Phone sex, like text sex, allows you to do your daily activities, while still having sex. You can do your laundry, read a book, even work out while having sex at the same time. (Your partner will surely enjoy your erratic breathing during a workout, FYI.) While text sex does have its benefits, it also has its setbacks. For instance, while formulating something dirty to write might sound hot in your mind, it might come out quite comically when you write it. It's one thing to be joking around and say something dirty, but it's quite another to be serious and come off like you're joking. Needless to say, this can lead to a very awkward situation for both parties. The last form of pseudo sex I will touch upon is watching porn straight up with your partner. This is a good way to wrap up a busy day of studying; gather around the television (or computer, if you'd rather hack websites on the Internet than buy some good stuff), pop some popcorn, lay back and watch two people going at it in the comfort of your own living room. Watching porn, however, is just about on the edge of crossing the line from pseudo sex into sex. You might be able to hold out while using various forms of media to fool around, but chances are while watching porn, you're not going to want to stay so passive. All in all, pseudo sex can be a great pastime. It's convenient, fun and most of all sexy. So the next time you're busy studying, but want to get frisky at the same time, you'll know what to do. Jenny Kalaidis is a freshman majoring in communication arts and journalism. R U text sexually active? Send questions, comments and tales of sexual escapades to [email protected].