The number 23 used to be my favorite number. Now, thanks to 90 minutes spent subjected to "The Number 23," the latest junk pile churned out by "Batman and Robin" director Joel Schumacher, the once-perfect number combination is forever tainted.
A die-hard Chicago Bulls fan in my younger days, I grew attached to the digits that adorned the red-and-black jersey of Air Jordan himself during (most of) the Bulls' glory years. To this day, when asked to pick a number between one and 100, the answer is simple: 23. Pick a numeral between one and 10? Slightly more complex, but usually a 50/50 chance of, you guessed it, two or three.
Big mistake, according to Schumacher and company.
Little did I know (luckily, Mr. Schumacher saw it fit to beat the audience over the head with this pointless message), the number 23 is also linked to the end of the world as predicted by the Mayans, the devil (just multiply by 29, subtract one and just like that, 666?) and even the color pink. That's right, not even Barbie dolls are safe from the curse of this wretched numeric combination.
In a convoluted sequence of events, the unintentionally comedic thriller "The Number 23" tells the story of Walter Sparrow (Jim Carrey), who's just an average dogcatcher minding his own business until a twist of fate finds him mauled by a graveyard watchdog named Ned. As a result, Walter shows up late to pick up his wife Agatha (Virginia Madsen, "Sideways"), who then happens upon a used bookstore — appropriately named "A Novel Fate" — and finds "The Number 23," a novel of obsession by Topsy Kretts (say that five times fast, it's super witty).
Although Agatha is able to leaf through the book cover-to-cover in the time she's waiting for her husband, Walter is not such a speed reader. Starting on Feb. 3 and continuing for days on end (say, 23? — dun, dun, dun), his life is swallowed up by the narration of Fingerling, a rough-around-the-edges detective, portrayed as Carrey in an undershirt with tribal tattoos, who passes his time playing the saxophone and rolling around the sheets in a kinky relationship with mysterious femme fatale Fabrizia, played by Madsen in a black wig and slip dress. In between his sexual escapades, Fingerling encounters the Suicide Blonde, a woman so tortured by the number 23 she can't bear to continue living. Following her death, he is faced with a number 23-induced demise all his own.
Somehow, someway, Walter the mopey dogcatcher is able to find multiple parallels between his humdrum life and that of the gritty detective. He becomes increasingly paranoid with each passing day, waking up at 11:12 p.m. (11 + 12 = 23) in cold sweats and successfully freaking out everyone in his life with his inane questions. How does Topsy Kretts know so much about Walter's life? Is there some higher purpose of this novel of obsession? What does it all mean?
Does the audience leave knowing the answers to any of these questions?
No, not really, and Carrey is really no help in this department. Stuck in an awkward "Ace Ventura"-"Eternal Sunshine" hybrid of a role, the actor appears lost, and with good reason. In utter confusion, he sloppily shifts between working-class good guy and dark, super-sleuth badass.
Likewise, the talent of Academy Award-nominated actress Madsen is wasted in the confines of the flat script.
One of the film's best performances comes from Ned, the prophetic bulldog. Without uttering a single word, the droopy-faced pooch packs more bite than the whole of the cast in the all-over-the-place mystery.
While a cheesy Carrey one-liner occasionally emerges from the depths of newcomer Fernley Phillips' script, the true comedy comes from the hilarious twists and turns of the plot in this supposed thriller. "The Number 23" takes itself deadly serious, never missing a chance to overplay symbolism and inflate each mundane situation, but scoring zero reaction from any of this forced hype.
These missed marks are only compounded through Schumacher's directorial vision or lack thereof. He forays into his "8mm" camera technique during the Fingerling narratives in an attempt to build a dark mystique around the novel, but this creates a fragmented oil-and-water mix when edited amid the scenes of family-man Walter and the movie's jumpy, "suspenseful" sequences.
When all is said and done, the number is up for this ridiculous excuse for a thriller. "The Number 23" is so abysmal it makes the number 13 look practically lucky by comparison.
Grade: 1 out of 5
