Over the past several years, the Last Action Heroes have grown from an idea to a way of life. The Last Action Heroes have reported from Athens in Greece, Sparta in Wisconsin and from the capital of action analysis: Madison. And as the Grammy-winning Ludacris recently uttered in "Moneymaker," "I'm at the top of my game," and the same can be said for the Last Action Heroes. That being said, this is how the LAH will depart.

Remember, loyal fans numbering into the millions: Last Action Heroes is not just a column. It's an idea. Columns come and go, but ideas never die. Like Pac said and Ice Cube quoted in "xXx: State of the Union," "Wars come and go, but my soldiers remain eternal." This epitomizes the Last Action Heroes.

While we have analyzed everything from the evolution of the action genre, the discount bin, the merits of Matt Damon in the Bourne series and the greatest action hero of all-time, we continue to break new ground and bring to you the first-ever collection of all three LAH legends. An old friend, Mr. Moe Riemer, Ryan "Goat" Gauthier and myself, Derek Montgomery, combine decades of action analysis to tell you what the greatest action movie of all time is. Let the glory begin…

Plot

Moe:
What's great about the plot of "On Deadly Ground" is it combines the usual mindless theatrics of a typical action flick with a pathetic and not-so-subtle attempt by Steven Seagal to push his environmental agenda on everyone. Somewhere in Seagal's deluded mind, he really thinks he's making a difference.

Of course you get to see Seagal beat the crap out of a small army. He kills dudes and a bunch of stuff blows up. But you also get to see Seagal undergo a transformation from mercenary to environmental crusader. That is, an environmental crusader who loves killing things — namely bad guys. And Michael Cain is the villain!

Derek:
It really is a waste of space to try to explain the plot of "Hard Target." The primary cast of characters involves Jean Claude Van Damme and Wilford Brimley — two guys with serious ass-kicking résumés.

Basically, the movie begins when JCVD is without the $217 he needs to pay his union dues so he can get off the streets and back to work. The police are picketing, and a madman is running around town hunting homeless combat veterans. Natasha Bender's father is one of these hunted men, and she hires JCVD to find her father and the men behind his murder. All of the kills, beat downs at the hands of JCVD and the numerous near-death moments were all for $217. Seems like it could have been a lot shorter or easier had he just ripped off the nearest Kwik-E-Mart.

Goat:
"Commando" offers up the quintessential plot for an action movie: Schwarzenegger stars as John Matrix, a one-man wrecking crew. When his daughter "Chenny" (Jenny, for anyone lacking a thick Austrian accent) is abducted by a Freddy Mercury look-alike who has a thing for chain mail, it's up to Matrix to track him down, going through one shady character after another. As with any great action movie, that's about all there is to the plot of "Commando" — hero, villain and spunky female in peril.

The film takes this relatively simple plot and raises it to levels previously unknown to man. We're talking about more explosions than previously imaginable, nameless bad guys being smote in droves and not a lot of boring plot to slow things down. "Commando" is a choice cut of meat just like other action flicks, but is completely free of the fat (plot) that plagues so many other entries.

Action

Moe:
Of course "On Deadly Ground" has action to spare. It is a Seagal movie after all. What else would you expect from the ponytailed warrior? In "On Deadly Ground," Seagal, aka Forrest Taft, may love the environment, but that doesn't stop him from blowing it up. He uses bombs, guns, wrenches and even a homemade silencer. It's a wonderful cornucopia of death and destruction. Seagal blows up a freaking oil rig. That's how you save the environment, my friends.

Derek:
The action in "Hard Target" is unparalleled. The defining action moment finds JCVD riding atop a motorcycle exceeding 70 miles per hour heading straight for an oncoming truck while he goes crazy with a shotgun. Of course, he escapes unharmed with mullet intact. Then there is Wilford Brimley. Diabetes kills more than 70,000 people a year in the United States and this guy kicks its ass. When he's not riding around on a white horse in "Hard Target," Brimley is out arming old people with the weaponry needed to kill America's sixth leading cause of death. "Hard Target" packs the man who put Asian back in Caucasian with his lethal martial arts skills and one of America's leading arms dealers in Brimley.

Goat:
I could spend the rest of this column going on about the action packed into "Commando," but we'll keep this brief. The film includes: Matrix smelling enemies coming; a high-speed car chase complete with a satisfying death; numerous rockets; garden tools impaling at least a dozen soldiers; knife fights; a lengthy pursuit through a crowded mall, including Matrix going Tarzan on a balloon/banner thing; killer garbage men; illegal arms dealers; and at least 94 different deaths (still up for debate). Phew.

And that's not even the bulk of the action "Commando" has to offer to viewers. This film starts off in over-drive and never slows down — it's more like one long, drawn out kill/beat down than over 100 different ones. This film not only sweats action from its pores, it downright defined what an action movie should be. There has always been one nagging question for me: Which came first, "Commando" or action?

Moments

Moe:
Where to begin? For starters, there's Seagal's ridiculous wardrobe. There's the hand-slap game with the drunken oil worker in a bar — that of course ends with Seagal pounding the crap out of the challenger. The most absurd moment has to be Seagal's spirit journey, which includes both a naked chick and Seagal tackling a bear. That's a trip.

But, my favorite moment is at the end of the movie. Not the explosion or the mass killings at the oil rig. Those go without saying. They're standard operating procedure for a Seagal movie. I'm talking about what sets this movie apart from all other action gems: when Seagal goes all Al Gore and lectures the tribe on the environment. That's right, Seagal telling native Alaskans how to take care of the environment. It's really something to behold.

Derek:
"Hard Target" packs a plethora of action moments, but one moment stands out in particular. It's not the motorcycle scene or Wilford Brimley killing villains like insulin neutralizes "diabetus." No, it's a scene early in the movie where a dirty and downtrodden JCVD is made to appear as a sex symbol with pseudo rock-porno music and a ridiculous entrance.

Much happens in a very short time, so it goes like this. Natasha Bender offers JCVD money to find her father. JCVD says get the hell out. Union tells JCVD to get the hell off the dock if he doesn't have the $217. JCVD remembers Natasha Bender. As Bender is leaving the docks, a forklift passes in front of her and, out of nowhere, JCVD is standing there, head down, sweating. On cue and as soon as she notices him, he lifts her head and viewers knew the movie was about to begin and that they would eventually have sex.

Goat:
I'm supposed to fit the incredible number of amazing moments from "Commando" into 150 measly words — simply not possible. One of the defining moments for Matrix's character comes in the intro sequence, where John carries an entire tree through the woods. The hits keep coming as he and Chenny mush ice cream into each other's faces and follow it up with the dynamic duo feeding a young fawn deep in the woods. What could possibly come next? How about Matrix calling Boy George "Girl George" and reminiscing about his youth in East Germany? Try that on for character development.

If I'm really only allowed to mention one other key moment of "Commando," it would have to go to the series of events that take place as Matrix takes down Cooke. Cooke, the most menacing of Matrix's many foes, breaks into Matrix's hotel room and is immediately attacked by the wily hero. After Matrix mule kicks Cooke through a nearby door, viewers witness one of the more confusing parts of the film: a couple having sex under the covers of the room's bed … but the man is bent over in the fetal position, and the woman is sitting up behind him. If that wasn't reason enough for this to be an amazing part of the film, moments later we are treated to Matrix not only dominating Cooke with a killer one-liner, but also killing Cooke with the leg of a table. Simply incredible.

One-liners
Moe:
Believe it or not, the best line from "On Deadly Ground" doesn't belong to Seagal. It's delivered by one of the bad guys. It's about Seagal, of course.

There's no way this line was written by anyone other than Steven Seagal.

"My guy in D.C. tells me that we are not dealing with a student here. We're dealing with the professor. Any time the military has an operation that can't fail, they call this guy in to train the troops, OK? He's the kind of guy that would drink a gallon of gasoline so he could piss in your campfire! You could drop this guy off at the Arctic Circle, wearing a pair of bikini underwear, without his toothbrush, and tomorrow afternoon, he's going to show up at your poolside with a million-dollar smile and fist full of pesos."

Jackpot.

Derek:
The one-liners that fill "Hard Target" border on the absurd and often leave viewers with their heads shaking. The primary villain tells one of his victims that, "I'll fuck you, then I'll eat you." OK…

Then, when JCVD and Natasha Bender begin to move from business to bed, Bender asks, "Why are you named Chance?" to which JCVD (named Chance Boudreaux in the movie) responds with "My momma took one." The absurdity of these one-liners only backs up the relevance of Wilford Brimley riding around on a white horse and the believability of the plot. All are absurd, all are ridiculous and all provoke head shaking. Simply put, all have the makings of an action classic.

Goat:
Once more, I'm left with the problem of having way too many great one-liners and not enough room for them all. But I'll do you all one better: Rather than going with all of the famous lines from the film ("Let off some steam, Bennett" or "I eat green berets for breakfast. And right now, I'm very hungry"), I'll touch on a couple of the lesser-known gems that wait just beneath the surface.

During the heated pursuit in the shopping mall I mentioned a little earlier, a security officer attempts to radio for backup. His now-classic description of Matrix: "Attention all units, emergency on theater level, suspect 6 feet 2 inches, brown hair. He is one gigantic motherfucker."

Better than even that line would have to go to Matrix's clever rebuttal when Cooke exclaims, "Fuck you, asshole." Matrix's response? "No, fuck YOU, asshole." Classic.

And while the line itself isn't exactly golden, Bennett's incredibly creepy reaction to Schwarzenegger's proposal of a knife fight late in the film ("Come on, Bennett, throw away that chicken-shit gun. You don't just want to pull a trigger. Put the knife in me, and look me in the eye, and see what's going on in there when you turn it.") deserves an honorable mention.

Relevance

Moe:
You want to know why "On Deadly Ground" is so important? Simple. It was the first Seagal movie I ever saw. It opened my eyes to a whole new world — one filled with ponytails, wrist locks, shotguns and swarms of bad guys getting their butts kicked. Without this movie, I may never have seen "Out for Justice" or "Hard to Kill." Heck, without this movie, Last Action Heroes may never have graced the pages of The Badger Herald. When you think of it that way, "On Deadly Ground" might just be the most important movie of all time.

Derek:
"Hard Target" stood above all other action movies of its time. It hit theaters in 1993 during the prime of the action genre. The movie made sex symbols out of action heroes and solidified Van Damme's place in the industry as the epitome of the genre. Once "Hard Target" came out, and it revealed he could consistently pump out quality plotless action masterpieces, the genre and his future were secured. With the fall of the Rock and Vin Diesel to Disney and Seagal to Mountain Dew and being fat, the only true-to-form, bona fide action hero that still churns out action movies today is JCVD. Without "Hard Target," it's hard to say if there would have been a future for the man. Without "Hard Target," it's safe to ask, would there still be hope today for the action genre, or would there be Brendan Fraser?

Goat:
"Commando" precedes both of my co-hero's films, showing that it set the bar for action films early on. The only reason "On Deadly Ground" and "Hard Target" are such great movies is because "Commando" raised the action level so high back in '85. I'll admit that I first got into action films because of "On Deadly Ground," much like Moe Riemer. But it wasn't until I saw the magical journey that is "Commando" that I realized what an action hero truly could be. "Commando" is the one action film that truly stands the test of time and will be just as glorious 80 years down the road as it was when it first hit theaters more than 20 years ago. If you see only one action movie in your entire life, make it "Commando" — I can say with total confidence that you will never regret it.

Conclusion

And that's it. Like Pac said in "Changes," "We gotta start makin' changes … I'd love to go back when we played as kids but things changed, and that's the way it is." Indeed, time has changed. When we were all kids, Van Damme, Schwarzenegger, Seagal, Stallone and Snipes were all painting the silver screen red. Now, Van Damme and Seagal are past their primes and the Rock and Vin Diesel have given in to Disney. It is up to you, the fans, to demand true legitimate action heroes that never sway from the action path. The Last Action Heroes have given you dedicated and researched analysis. Now, it's time for you to ensure the future of the genre and you can take that to the bank… the blood bank.