Before we begin this week's action extravaganza, we'd like to take a moment to remember a legendary star who passed away following a recent column. You all likely remember our kind comments toward one Jack Palance, the charismatic villain of "Tango & Cash." Well, a mere two weeks following the publication of that homage, Mr. Palance passed away … in what we can only hope was an air of pure satisfaction for someone finally coming out and appreciating his acting chops. The Last Action Heroes would like to send our deepest condolences to the family and friends of Mr. Palance, as well as dedicate this column to his memory.
In an effort to bring our loyal readers the finest in action journalism, we are always trying to top our own greatest accomplishments. Back in 2004, the original LAH took a look at both of Chuck Norris' "Delta Force" films in one shot — quite a feat. Once more looking to take the action realm to the next level, we decided to take it upon ourselves to watch not just one but two films starring a truly legendary action star: Hulk Hogan. This week we're going to be taking a look at both "Suburban Commando" and "Mr. Nanny," in an action throwdown to end all throwdowns. Heaven help us.
Ryan:
What can really be said about Hulk Hogan? We're talking about the same man who not only body-slammed Andre the Giant, but also feuded with the likes of "Macho Man" Randy Savage and The Ultimate Warrior. He was truly a man among boys in the world of professional wrestling … but what about his action movies?
After a harrowing journey deep within the bowels of Wal-Mart's bargain bin, Derek and I stumbled upon a "Family Double Feature" of the Hulkster's films. We knew what we had to do. It was upon us to somehow watch Hulk Hogan beat down baddies and care for children all in an effort to see if he can truly be considered an action hero.
After sitting through a grueling double feature of sheer Hulkamania, I can safely tell you that Hogan did earn the "Family" label for these little gems. They are without a doubt two uniquely bland entries in the action genre, but not completely without their own merits. Both films feature a decent share of beatdowns for kid-friendly affairs, though come up a bit short in the kill category — but we'll save that stuff for later.
These films represent the epitome of early '90s action cinema: tight pants, mullets aplenty and abysmal dialogue. But seeing as "Suburban Commando" was the earlier of these two films, it's probably best to start with it. Wake up, D-rock, it's time for you to ramble incoherently about Hogan.
Derek:
"Suburban Commando" was definitely the superior of the two films, and visitors to the Internet Movie Database will agree. For his appearance in "Suburban Commando," Hulk receives a 3.3 out of 10 stars from fans while his "Mr. Nanny" showing got a 2.7. Although only 0.6 points separate these two movies in terms of rating points, the ability needed to stomach each movie is astronomical.
As Goat mentioned above, the Hulk has wrestled the likes of many warriors and defeated them handily. However, not once during his time in the ring did he ever team up with a rap group that sounds very much like Kid 'n' Play to produce a theme song, but that is exactly what they did here; and trust me, like Macho Man's foray into the music industry, some experiments are better left untested.
To say "Suburban Commando" doesn't have any one-liners would be incorrect, but to say the movie's one-liners were probably concocted by Mr. Rogers and the Australian band The Wiggles would be closer to truth than fiction.
Whenever the galactic Hulk gets outsmarted by a very poor and beaten-down-by-life Christopher Lloyd, the Hulkster responds simply with "Shut-up!!" The "Alien Rambo," as Lloyd calls the Hulk, also hates Earthlings with a particular dislike of those working in the mail delivery industry. After uttering "I hate Earthlings," this English-speaking, alien-mullet-donning galactic good guy whips a newspaper at a passing paperboy for no apparent reason and knocking him off his back. Proud of this accomplishment, Hulk tells the kid "Bull's-eye, smartass."
With all the great one-liners and passive-aggressive anger toward Earthlings, mail carriers, little children and cats, no movie starring Hulk as an alien would be complete without a villain from another galaxy. And this movie delivers. Enter General Suitor, an alien with a humanoid stature who the Hulkster believed he had killed when he decimated the general's starship in the opening seconds of the movie. Back for revenge, Suitor and the Hulk go at it, but Lloyd gets into some of the Hulk's equipment and ends up squeezing Suitor in the balls with the arm piece of a spacesuit that gives Lloyd super-human strength. What happens next is nothing short of superb.
From what we can gather, the squeezing of General Suitor's balls by Lloyd and the Hulk causes the General to fly into a rage, his eyes to turn green and he transforms into a creature that looks very much like the Predator.
Ryan:
By far the superior film, "Suburban Commando" is billed as "The perfect action comedy for kids — and parents." While I have a hard time believing that any somewhat competent parent would willingly watch or even subject his or her own offspring to such a cinematic outing, the movie is still best labeled as an "action comedy." We're not talking about unintentional action hilarity seen in "Commando" or "On Deadly Ground." This is the sort of comedy that somehow ensures Chris Tucker will be able to eat dinner tonight. Yes, much in the same way Brendan Frasier tried his hardest to be an action hero, he was never above the moniker of a "comic action hero"… and that's giving him quite a bit of credit.
Hulk rocks the suburbs as Shep Ramsey, an intergalactic badass who ices at least a dozen men in the opening sequence. Decked out in a hefty metallic codpiece with laser blaster in tow, Shep manages to blow up an entire space station within the first four minutes of the film, leaving him nowhere to go but down. And while Shep's kill count takes a hit as the film goes on, he clocks a tremendous amount of beatdowns over the course of the movie. We're not just talking about a handful here — Shep manages to rack up 34 beatdowns by the time the credits roll.
But the victims of these plentiful beatdowns are what make Shep a truly legendary action character. While on a casual jog though the city one night, Hulk begins his rampage by beating down a mugger in a parking lot and tossing him into a dumpster. A few minutes later, he manages to somehow beat down a car alarm to the point that it begs him to stop — at which point he stomps it a few times. But Shep doesn't stop there. He proceeds to punch out a mime, break an "After Burner" arcade cabinet (causing the arcade to throw out a white flag), hurl the same mime onto a roof, throw a kid's skateboard into outer space and crush a melon in an old woman's face. And he's still not done! Shep flings a cat across the city, knocks out an RC cola vending machine, intimidates the same mime once more to the point that he takes off screaming and smacks two bank robbers silly with office tables. And that's only about half of his beating extravaganza …
Derek:
Watching "Suburban Commando" and then watching "Mr. Nanny" is like scoring with a girl you've always liked, then having her turn around and cut off your johnson. You go from beaming with joy to almost screaming in agony. However, these two movies are indicative of the current future of the action genre.
Three years ago, the Rock and Vin Diesel were set to replace Seagal and Van Damme atop the action genre. For two years they delivered, pumping out action movies at the clip of three or four a year. Some of them even had questionable plots. Times were good in actionland and the future bright. Then, in 2005, Vin Diesel signed up to do "The Pacifier," and one of two action stars fell. But alas, action fans, we still had The Rock.
The Rock departed professional wrestling and took his role in the action genre more seriously than the Hulk. The Rock would not be seen in any action movies with a family label attached to it. Hell no. The Rock would pump aliens full of lead in the horrible adaptation of the video game "Doom," as well as beat-down jungle natives in "The Rundown." Nobody, nowhere, was safe from Vin and his vendetta against villains, bad guys and Stone Cold Steve Austin. Then came terrifying news. The Rock had signed up to do a movie with "a lot of heart" and carried the Disney label.
"Daddy's Little Girl" would be to the Rock what "Twins" was to Schwarzenegger, what "The Pacifier" was to Vin Diesel — indeed it would mean the fall of The Rock from the pedestal of the action genre. The action gods showed their displeasure with The Rock's decision-making process when The Rock ruptured his Achilles tendon while filming the movie. The greatest warrior of ancient times and the greatest hope for the action genre both struck down by the same devastating injury. Is this a coincidence, or an act of divine intervention in an attempt to save the genre and The Rock? We may never know, but if the transgression of the Hulk in "Suburban Commando" to "Mr. Nanny" tells us anything, then any intervention, divine or by chance, is sorely needed.
The IMDB rating for "Suburban Commando" was a measly 3.3, but it fell further in "Mr. Nanny" — 2.7. The beatdowns remained about the same in each movie, but Hulk accounted for more than 97 percent of the beatdowns in "Suburban Commando" while he accounted for about 33 percent in "Mr. Nanny." The kills also decreased from a respectable 29 in "Suburban" to a Lou Diamond Phillips-like three in "Nanny."
The future of The Rock and Vin Diesel are displayed in the transgression of violence between "Suburban Commando" and "Mr. Nanny." The lure of the dollar and the pressure of Disney and other family-friendly temptations will break down the Rock and Vin Diesel until they too are appearing in movies wearing ballet tutus. As historians, scholars and politicians lament the appeasing of the Nazis during the 1938 Munich agreement, much the same can be said for "Suburban Commando" and "Daddy's Little Girl" and what is likely to happen to The Rock. Remember "Suburban Commando" and remember "Daddy's Little Girl" for the future of the action genre is now before us.
Ryan:
I wish I were half as excited about "Mr. Nanny" as I was about "Suburban Commando." To say that this film is a complete joke would not truly do it justice — this is perhaps the worst "action" film ever made. For the first half of this movie Hulk is constantly on the receiving end of the beatdowns, and most of the time it's at the creepy little hands of the kids he is trying to protect. For a while I was convinced they were going to clock more beatdowns than the Hulkster himself, with the final tally being 22 for Hogan and 18 for the kids. Worse yet, Hulk only manages two kills in this one, with the kids netting one (who happened to be the evil villain). A pathetic showing for Hogan — simply pathetic.
He tries to exhibit both brains and brawn, but is constantly beat down emotionally by two kids who can't be more than 11 years old. Hulk's best beatdowns in this film? If you like him dominating a sub sandwich or maybe tearing a chauffeur's hat in two, then you're set. But for anyone looking for anything above him punching or kicking a guy here or there, this film is a complete letdown. And I didn't even mention the fact that Hogan gets his mighty baldett (the bald mullet he rocks so well) put in curlers, has a tea party with a little girl and dons a pink tutu for a good 10 minutes of the film. This movie is complete and utter garbage, not fit to share the same DVD with a masterpiece like "Suburban Commando."
Derek:
Ahhh, hate crimes against paperboys and ball-squeezing make "Suburban Commando" one-of-a-kind. I give this movie two Lou Diamond Phillips for its awful one-liners, two Jean Claude Van-Damme for the amazing number of beatdowns and a bonus Popeye for Shelley Duvall's role as Lloyd's wife (note: she played Olive Oil in the Hollywood adaptation of the popular Popeye cartoon).
As for "Mr. Nanny," this movie gets my lowest rating of five Lou Diamond Phillips for its symbolic representation of the fall of the action genre and because Hulk Hogan should never been seen in a tutu.
Ryan:
As for the ratings of these movies, I'm going to go with a respectable three Chuck Norrises and two Undertakers for "Suburban Commando." And for that trash that dares come packaged along with this gem, I am forced to bestow "Mr. Nanny" with my absolute worst action rating to date: four Xzibits and a bonus Kamala. If you truly need to get your fix of Hulk Hogan action films, just pick up a copy of "The Ultimate Weapon" and ignore the B-side of "Suburban Commando." Trust me, you'll be better off in the end.
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