I often get asked, "What's wrong with pornography today?" I'm not quite sure what that means. So many things go into a porn: the "acting," the actors, the hotness factor, the amount of moisture? And why are they asking me? I'm not a former porn reviewer like certain editors in chief of The Badger Herald.
Honestly, I'm not big into porn. Many times there's a large hair factor. As in — it's everywhere. I'm naturally nearly bare (and blond to boot), so it is unnatural for me to see some bear with fingers humping some poor woman.
From my limited experience, though, it might be safe to say that the most noticeable facet of porn (other than sweaty bodies) is music. The characters in vintage porn may not always get naked, but there's always bad music. It's somewhat catchy, but it doesn't scream sex and swollen organs. We need some music that is explicitly for and about doin' it.
If I made a porn:
First of all, I would have a series of anal scenes where someone would clearly wear a University of Wisconsin shirt or have a "W" or Bucky Badger tattoo as the pitcher, doing business into someone that has a: 1) University of Minnesota shirt; 2) University of North Dakota hockey jersey; 3) University of Michigan hat; and 4) choking someone with an Ohio State University tattoo. If there's time, I'd like to see the pitcher wearing a Ben Sheets Brewers jersey while making someone with a Chicago Cubs hat take it from behind — all while some dorky kid with headphones watches and occasionally ruins the mood by giggling.
On to the music. Most porn now deals with wah-wah pedal guitar music. I'd like to see more James Brown in there. You have to start the movie with "Sex Machine," but then go straight into the hardcore stuff — meaning any of the plethora of Frank Zappa albums about coitus, including the tracks "Crew Slut," "Keep it Greasy" and "I Have Been in You."
"Why Don't We Do It in the Road?" by the Beatles will be the backdrop for a scene involving a road cop pulling over a hot porn star, with the eventual sex scene, climaxing with "Tonight She Comes" by the Cars.
The movie would not be complete without some hip-hop. The obvious choice for the mandatory doctor/nurse/patient threesome scene is rapper Dr. Octagon with "Girl Let Me Touch You" from his album Dr. Octoagonecologist. For those of you unfamiliar with this classic, some of the lyrics of this song go as such: "It's morning, 7 o'clock, you at my clinic / it's me, your orthopedic gynecologist," while later continuing, "He never turned you around / showed you doggy style / we got some things in common / Honey, let's talk awhile / did he lick you there? / Percolate your atmosphere? / I got a mask at home / boots and some leather gear."
Some songs are just inherently unsexy despite their premises, much like Tool's "Hooker with a Penis" or anything by Radiohead. That would just be weird.
But, after all this, when the clothes are back on, the credits will roll to Weezer's "Tired of Sex."
These are the kinds we need. It's more like a porn opera.
But, much like a sporting event, there needs to be a cast of professional sports announcers on the commentary track of the DVD. Matt LePay is incredibly talented, and the speed with which he can tell Badger fans about the position Alando Tucker is in will be a useful asset for his new job telling us the position of Jenna Jameson: porn commentator.
"He's running down the lane, slows down, goes out to the top of the key, pulls up for the shot — Oh! Looks like he unloaded that in a hurry."
Another complaint I hear a lot from my roommate is that no one can really tell when it's going to get good, or when the scene will end and lead to another set-up of pool boys and pizza deliveries.
When should you start enjoying the film? And it's always bad at the peak of excitement to have a 30-second shot of man-ass. If I made a porn: 1) there would be no prolonged shots of man-ass; 2) much like a sports broadcast, there will be a clock in the top corner of the screen that will tell the viewer how much time until a scene change. This "scene clock" will turn red when it reaches the 30-second mark.
Another thing that would be a must is people in costumes. I just think it'd be funny to see Big Bird doing Barney. (Will some kid in Nebraska google Big Bird and this article will come up? Maybe.)
Of course, there are requests I would make for the cast, mostly involving some of Jack McCoy's assistants, Jessica Alba and Halle Berry. But I'd accept the regulars. If they made it in porn, they made it there for a reason.
Matt Dolbey is a UW senior majoring in keeping his roommate's socks out of his face. He can be reached at [email protected].
