Dear Clare,

Drunk Dude

Dear Drunk,

The inclusion of the following words in your question: "Acapulco," "wild spring break," "hung out," "really hot" and "Facebook" all indicate to me that you are probably a stereotypical spring break "jabroni" — sounds like jah-BROW-nee. My dear friend Brittany coined this phrase to describe the quintessential frat-guy who is trying way too hard and is way too excited about his new Abercrombie & Fitch cowboy hat with matching belt, immaculately white tennis shoes and razor-burned shaved chest. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with being a jabroni … I am just amused at how easy it is to spot one from only a few lines of text.

The fact you are a jabroni is going to play an important part in my response to your inquiry, mainly because it means you, by definition, think every girl wants you. I would encourage you to consider the possibility that this "really hot" girl doesn't remember a lot about you either and sent you the e-mail for the same reasons you are considering sending her a reply, reasons for which I don't think further elaboration is appropriate. You were obviously both interested in each other over break, so why not follow up? A note to all the lovely gentlemen out there, jabroni or not: a lovely lass initiating contact with you does not mean that she wants to marry you and has chosen the names for your eight children. Although there are some psycho girls out there who have these ulterior motives, the majority don't have those intentions in mind.

If you are curious about this girl, I advise you, Drunk Dude, to reply to her e-mail and ask her out for a sober dinner date. I know this advice may alarm some of you who think that a date after "hanging out" for a few times in a week would insinuate that a relationship was in the works, but you have to remember that such behavior on Spring Break is completely different. Go to dinner and if you're into her as an actual human being, great! Hopefully you'll end up like Danny and Sandy in "Grease" and conclude the school year with a choreographed song and dance number with 200 of your closest friends on Library Mall. If you don't like her, then you don't have to see her again. If she's persistent in trying to start a relationship, simply tell her that you "don't want a relationship" right now. Though you are a jabroni, she can't hate you too much for this because the understanding with spring break flings is that they are just that: flings, with no strings attached.

Good luck, my little drunken jabroni! I think it would be wise to give this girl a chance because from the tone of your letter, I don't think many other girls will.

Clare

Dear Clare,

Guilty Gift Giver

Dear Guilty,

Yours is a common plight and one that I am confronted with often because I also lack any sort of artistic ability. When we are surrounded by gifted and generous friends who create art masterpieces as celebratory gestures, the old adage "it's the thought that counts" takes on a new meaning. It yields us incapable of deriving any sort of credit for the "thought" we put into a gift. For example, you may know that your friend likes modern art and would therefore think a book about modern art would be a thoughtful gift because it matched her individual interest. She, in return, may produce a watercolor portrait of your late grandmother reading to you as a young child. When compared to this present, that obviously took more time than you buying a book, your gift sucks. Your friend may see the $9.95 price tag on the art book and think that this cheap gift was nothing compared to the hours she labored over trying to perfect the proportion of your oddly crooked nose between your beady little eyes.

Whoever said, "it's the thought that counts" (this individual could not be found from an extremely fast Google search) should know that the philosophy produced by his or her words has been the cause of rifts sometimes deep enough to completely destroy a relationship. These rifts, however, are somewhat ridiculous because, when you think about it, is it really the "thought" that counts? Or is it the monetary value or hours spent slaving over a gift that we really focus on?

Let me elaborate: at a recent dinner, my friends and I received a very expensive bottle of wine as a kind gift from a nearby table. We were very surprised by the amount of money spent on the bottle and enthusiastically thanked the giver continually throughout the night. Would our gratitude have been less if the bottle had been $24 rather than $140? Though the gesture of giving the bottle would be the same, I am comfortable assuming that the effect of the gesture would not have been as strong. By effect, I mean the emotional response, not the physiological effect of consuming the alcoholic beverage. This may sound superficial, but I think even the most down-to-earth reader would have a different reaction to the two bottles, showing that monetary value does play a role in evaluating the "thought" behind a gift.

In addition to monetary value, there is another variable to consider when giving or receiving gifts: ability of the giver. Your friend is artsy, so it is probably enjoyable and relatively fast for her to make something beautiful for you. Because she is using her own talents, it will probably take her less time to create something you will like. If you tried to make her a similar gift, even after months of work it would probably still turn out hideous. That makes it both unpleasant for you to make and for her to receive. Does the fact that she spent less time making your gift mean that hers was less thoughtful? Of course not. In fact, your horrifically constructed artsy present for her would probably show lack of thought because you obviously hadn't considered that your deficiency of talent would make it difficult for you to create something your friend would actually enjoy.

You spending 100 hours on a mediocre photo collage or $200 on a trip to Las Vegas don't necessarily translate into a large amount of "thought," though the latter would be a fabulous gift. These items also do not symbolize a higher level of friendship than a card listing your favorite memories of your friend or the "Top Ten" reasons why he or she is the best roommate of all time would. That's the stuff that comes from the heart and can actually be defined as "thought." It's not the time and money that counts, because a lot of us don't have the time or money to invest in a gift that would signify the appreciation and love we have for the wonderful people around us. In many cases, not even words can do this admiration justice.

So dear readers, don't get offended on your next birthday by seeing gifts as direct symbols of one's affection; simply see them as additional kind gestures that no one, even for special occasions, is actually required to give you.

I know this doesn't explicitly answer your question, Guilty Gift Giver, but I think it may alleviate your emotional anxiety. You could also make her a CD with songs on it. That's always nice.

Good luck!

Clare