Dear Clare:

Really Sick of Rodrigo

Dear Really Sick,

If you would've sent me your inquiry before you signed the lease, I could've presented you with more remedial choices. Because you've already signed the lease without Rodrigo, however, there really isn't a lot you can do. Though limited, there are two options you and your roommates could come together to employ. The first is the conventional "be honest and tell him" approach, and the second is morally questionable, but is an alternative method for meeting your objective.

First, the conventional advice I should give you.

To be fair, Rodrigo thinks he is living with you because you have been shady and haven't told him otherwise. This is your fault, not his. Duh, that much is obvious. In dealing with roommates, people are much too timid. By prolonging your confrontation with Rodrigo, you are making the situation much worse. You need to tell him NOW that you have already signed a lease so he has ample time to find other roommates and a place for next year. There is no easy way to tell him this; one of you should just sit him down and give it to him straight.

Well, maybe a little crooked, not totally straight, because you don't want to crush the poor and potentially homeless boy's feelings. Rather than directly focus on his faults, highlight the fact that you found a "perfect place" that is one bedroom short of your current residence. Say you were thinking about which roommate contributes the most to the overall workings of the household and he came up a little short in the evaluation. Apologize for not telling him earlier, but make sure he knows that this is a done deal and you are not going to reverse your decision. He will most likely be hurt and mad at all of you for a little bit. Or a long bit. Or forever. The only way you won't sound like a jerk is by being kind and almost empathetic in your discussion with him.

Regardless of how you say it, even a rational and reasonable person would feel a bit peeved and betrayed by the actions of you and your other roommates. The second approach I'll discuss will most likely prevent this type of hostility but is morally questionable. The morally questionable way to deal with this situation is to make Rodrigo not want to live with any of you next year. Now, this will have to be an intense and quickly executed campaign because you are short on time here; we want him to get the picture FAST.

It is here that I draw upon the actions of one of my favorite comedians in one of my favorite movies: Norm McDonald in "Dirty Work." If you aren't familiar with the movie, then you are hugely boring and are missing out. In this wonderful film, my future husband (after Conan O'Brien and I have separated because of complications arising from height differences), Norm MacDonald, tries to force someone to move out of a house by hiding dead fish all over it, thereby making it unbearable to live in. The fish won't work in your case, but you and your roommates could all of a sudden become terribly loud and rude barbarians, blasting music and ravaging through his food shelves eating all of his "Rodrigo" marked lean cuisines.

This is mean, absolutely, but if you are so deathly afraid of confrontation, then this is another strategy you could use. Remember, I am paid the big bucks to give advice, which is in no way required to be GOOD. Just be sure that the rest of your roommates act as obnoxiously as you do so that Rodrigo doesn't go behind your back and try to get them to exclude you from future housing plans.

He'll most likely be mad either way, so I would forget about his sister.

Good luck!

Clare

Dear Clare,

-Dumbfounded Dude

Dear Dumbfounded,

This issue is a difficult one to answer because girls vary in their reactions to gentlemen callers, regardless of the latter's intentions. At the risk of offending the wonderfully unique women of this campus, in this type of situation I believe each could fall into one of the following two categories. The way you, Dumbfounded, would proceed, is contingent on which group the friend you are pursuing falls into.

Category 1: The girl who thinks she's always being hit on.

Because these ladies think they are getting hit on all the time, they will think any boy who approaches them wants to pursue a romantic rendezvous. Don't be fooled: These aren't always the girls who are the best looking, skinniest or most fun. I would say the best way to spot the girls of this category is to assess the way they interact with guys in general. If they seem to flirt by acting elusive and too cool, they are usually this type.

Category 2: You could make declarations of love from beneath her balcony in which you equate her beauty to celestial bodies and she still wouldn't think you had amorous intentions.

These are the girls that you, Dumbfounded, need to look for in your pursuit of a female, yet non lovey-dovey companionship. This type of girl is easy to spot because she is treating everyone in the room the exact same way. It's not that she's not flirting; it's that she's flirting with everything that moves. She hardly ever believes a guy is hitting on her, even if it's painfully and annoyingly obvious to everyone else. When a guy wants to hit on this type of girl, he's got his work cut out for him in trying to plow through that huge "Friend" wall that she puts up in front of everyone she meets.

Though they differ in their reactions, the ground-rule for both of these categories is basically the same: Be honest. Just come right out and say, "Hey, I'd love to get coffee sometime, just as buddies. Nothing shady, I promise."

I feel that "buddies" is a very non-threatening term and would encourage its use in this context. Proposing "coffee" or "lunch" instead of "drinks" or "dinner" also sends off more of a "friend" vibe. If I were you, I would even add something similar to, "I know college students don't do this a lot, but I'm just trying to meet more people." This type of comment is going to be especially necessary if you are dealing with a Category 1 because you're going to really have to make it apparent that you don't have ulterior motives. If you think you are speaking with a Category 2, then the comment is extraneous because she'll assume you just want to meet as friends anyway.

If you're going to coffee or lunch as friends, it's fine to split the check. If she gets offended, then she didn't fully understand it was meant to be only a chummy meeting. Once the friendship has been established, I would say that it's safe to pick up the check every once in a while and then add in a comment like, "I'll get this one, and you can hit me back next time." Paying for others is a nice gesture, regardless of the friend's gender.

A word of caution for you, dumbfounded dude: In a column from first semester I concluded, "that platonic boy/girl relationships in which the two are 'best friends' can only truly exist under two conditions."

Neither of these conditions would apply to you at this point in time; so just know that in starting a friendship with a girl, romantic feelings on either side could develop quickly. Basically, if you're going to be friends with a girl, be prepared for a little drama. It's good for you, though, and will add a little spice to your life.

Good luck!

Clare

Do you need an answer to one of life's greatest mysteries? Does your roommate refuse to shower and you want to break it to her softly? Do you just need help finding a pair of pants that don't make your butt look big? Send your own questions and comments to Clare at [email protected]