Dear Clare,

Fond from Afar

Dear Fond,

What a beautiful blend of assonance and alliteration in your pseudonym! I am impressed with your literary erudition. Your question leaves me with an uncomfortably large amount of responsibility, so I'm not going to tell you to break up with your boyfriend in fear that you actually would. This wouldn't be fair because I don't know the details of your situation and therefore am in no position to make such an important judgment. Instead, I will offer some points for you to ponder as you reflect on this big decision. I would first like to recommend the swings at James Madison Park as a lovely pondering point to ponder these … points.

My famous house analogy is the first I would like to discuss. That's right, it's famous, I promise. This view holds that dating is like buying a house. The first house you may enter with your overly enthusiastic realtor may have the modern day appliances and ample space you feel is absolutely necessary. While walking around, however, you may realize that instead of a one-car garage, you would really like a two-car garage. You tell the realtor, who feverishly makes a note and soon calls to tell you she has found a house you would love with, you guessed it, a two-car garage. Stick with me here, I'll bring it back to dating soon. So you visit this next house, but realize that you would like a bigger kitchen with an adjoining dining room. The realtor takes note and then brings you to the next house, where you find yet another thing absent that you would like in your new home. Eventually, the realtor has a long list of criteria that you have accumulated from your visits, so that when you go to the house that matches it, you can confidently say: "This is it!" Right now, Ms. Fond, you are in a very comfortable house: you know all its nooks and crannies, and it's truly a place you feel at home. However, it doesn't have doors or windows; so not only can you not leave and see what else it out there, you can't even look across the street for a small snapshot.

The lesson from this analogy, in case you are hugely dimwitted and missed it, is that you are not able to build that list right now and the list will help you know when it comes to wedding time that you are absolutely sure you have the right guy. Of course I don't necessary mean a literal list, though I know many who have actually made them and now carry them around in their wallets. Make a list — it may help your confidence a bit in your current relationship, or in future relationships. You may even find after looking around that your current boyfriend was the embodiment of the list. If this is the case, then you don't have to worry about all this "meant to be together" crap because you will have a renewed faith in your romance.

You must realize, however, that it's unwise to throw away a good thing. This is my next point: if you two are making each other happy, why give that up? This is obviously the "you should probably stay together" point. If you do decide to continue the courtship though, be sure you aren't throwing away your first year at college by going and visiting your boy every weekend. You must have some sort of balance; otherwise, if you do break up, there won't be anyone around at school for you because you never made the effort to make friends. In Boyfriend Land you can't rent friends when it's convenient and then store them away when you're finished. Friendships are like flowers that take time to grow, and freshman year is vital for laying down the seeds. OK, my apologies for that hideous simile. My friend, Robbie, insisted I put it in there because he really likes flowers. Feel free to send your hate mail to him this time.

If you stay together because you are happy, just be sure that you are both growing up together as adults and not reverting back to high-school mode every time you talk. Reminiscing is great, but it gets old fast. Talk to him about important events happening in your life and inquire about those happening in his, but also call him when you and your roommate did something funny or stupid that he would find humorous. Don't do this every time, because we don't want your roommate to hate you, but try and let him in on the little things. This is important because college is really an accumulation of a myriad of memories and experiences rather than a product of a few major events.

And now a word of caution based on personal experience. (A glimpse into my life! Oh, how close we have become over the year, dear readers). I would advise you, Ms. Fond, to not break up with your boyfriend if you're doing it only for external reasons that aren't a result of your relationship. Basically, don't break the boy's heart for theoretical or simply rational reasons. If you do so, you will not have closure, which after dating this boy for so long is needed for a true breakup to occur. Consider the fact that you may not be able to get back together with this young man if you split, which would leave you devastated if you had broken up only because you were "trying to build your house." There really should be a tangible problem or rationale for your breakup so that if you don't get back together, you will have some comfort in knowing that it wouldn't have worked out anyway.

Good luck, Ms. Fond. And one last point: you shouldn't be thinking about marriage as a freshman. That is creepy and scary and in general, people need to chill out about that stuff.

Clare