It's about time the Last Action Heroes opened up the old action mailbag and answered some of the burning questions of our loyal fans. As the popularity of the LAH has exploded and syndication deals have developed left and right, we have received an increasing number of fan letters detailing difficulties in their relationships because so-and-so likes Van Damme or Seagal or another action hero. Using our vast knowledge of the action genre, the LAH will attempt to remedy these disputes.

Dear Goat and Derek:

Sincerely,
Girl Undergoing Numerous Stress-outs

Derek:

Thanks for writing to us GUNS. Your relationship is certainly in peril. Personally, if I were a girl, I would have cut short the relationship at Clay Aiken, but that's old news. There aren't many solutions to your boyfriend's undying love for Seagal. Intense man-love for the ponytailed assassin produced disturbing data in a 1992 University of California-Los Angeles survey.

In 1992, the UCLA Institute of Man Studies surveyed 140 men and women about their action-movie preferences. Those returning with strong preferences for Seagal were isolated for further questioning. Scientists then peppered the respondents with additional questions and personality analyses were conducted to determine what was driving massive amounts of people to the theaters to see "Under Siege." The hope was to replicate these findings in the production of other action movies and to create a massive influx of moviegoers and profits. The results were unexpected.

In short, Seagal was the polar opposite to the Man's man — the Miller High Life Man. While the High Life man is compassionate, ethical, has morals, is knowledgeable, sensitive, in touch with women, knows how to listen, eats with his mouth closed, donates to charity and recycles his plastic products, Seagal is just the opposite.

Respondents siding with Seagal and his attributes often had criminal records and were missing teeth. Demographic data showed these people to be emotionally unavailable and possibly psychopathic. Further studies placing the participants in the room with dogs and cats produced violent reactions and the death of one or both animals in 15 percent of the cases. When shown an inkblot depicting a flower, 60 percent reported seeing an exploding head. Most were let go under the supervision of county officials while some remain in the custody of the state.

I'm not saying Nate is anything like the people in the UCLA study. He might be a great guy. Then again you could be at risk of severe violence. You've been with him for five years so you should know what type of guy he is. Just remember the UCLA study revealed that subjects worsened over time. Obviously the love for Seagal didn't bother you too much for the first couple years … it was only now that you decided to write. The deterioration may already be taking place. There is a litmus test you can perform to determine if you are at the point of no return.

Try to obtain a cardboard cutout of Seagal. Bring it home and do the following. Before bedtime one night, slip into a very revealing outfit. Now, take the Seagal cutout and walk into the room with it in a seductive manner. If he mentions anything about the Seagal cutout and nothing about your seductive gazing eyes, then it's time to leave. Also, take your pets with you when you go.

Dear Last Action Heroes:

Goat:

I knew this day would come … I just knew it. Since the dawn of man, people have been trying to figure out where to classify one man: Patrick Swayze. Is he an action star? Is he a mindless hunk for women to drool over? Or is he just a washed-up actor?

After doing some extensive research, I've concluded that not only is Swayze a far cry from an action hero — he's the polar opposite of one. If you think "Red Dawn" is enough to bring a chump like Swayze into the same league as legends like Norris, Seagal, Van Damme and Lundgren, you're sorely mistaken. I've seen the movie, and Swayze is a complete chump throughout the invasion of the U.S. by those dirty Soviets. Yes, "Red Dawn" was entered into Guinness as having the most acts of violence in a movie at the time — but I'll argue that Swayze actually prevented the movie from setting a higher standard.

Swayze does clock his fare share of kills and beatdowns over the course of "Red Dawn," but he dies in the end of the movie. Rule No. 27 of the action hero handbook says: "Any character who dies in a movie can't be considered a legitimate action hero in the context of that same movie." Seagal's work in "Executive Decision" doesn't count — nor does Swayze's in "Red Dawn." Bring on the next horrible Swayze movie!

I'm not going to discuss "Road House," as Swayze spends a good portion of the film lecturing people on how to "be nice" to people who need nothing more than a beatdown. Do you think Chuck Norris would tell someone to be nice if they called him an a–hole? Hell no. He'd spin kick them before the words even got out of their mouth, then proceed to groom his beard with a machete or workout on his Bow-Flex. That's how much more of a badass Norris is.

While you did mention a couple of decent Swayze flicks, you completely missed what is arguably his best (if you can call it that) role. "Black Dog" paired Swayze with Randy Travis in an epic battle against — you guessed it — Meat Loaf. Swayze is pretty badass in the film, but he makes one of the bigger mistakes in his career — teaming with Randy Travis. At least Seagal had enough intuition to know that Travis is never to be trusted, whomping on him in "Fire Down Below."

This is definitely one of better films "the Swayzenator" has starred in, but few know that Kevin Sorbo was initially slated to star. Swayze got the role because Hercules had some medical problems, meaning he got the role of his career simply by default.

As you can see, there is NO WAY the Last Action Heroes would ever consider ranking Swayze among other action legends. His film credentials are laughable at best — and I didn't even mention "Dirty Dancing." Sorry Swooning, but Swayze is a total chump.

The Last Action Heroes want to hear from you! Do you have your own action question that only the LAH can answer? Let Derek and Ryan respond to it by sending an e-mail to [email protected].