Dear Clare,

Dear Torn,

You didn't specify your gender in your letter, nor did you mention if you have friends to dress up with. Thanks! This is GREAT because now I can just advise about any costume I want!

I personally am not the biggest Madison Halloween fan because it's always such a bloody mess. Though I'm a senior, this is only my second Halloween, and therefore I have many options to consider for myself. In general, when one is deciding on a Halloween costume, one feels the pressure to be unique and creative. In Madison, it seems like the goal is to be unique, creative and slutty. Unfortunately, people hugely fail to juxtapose these three criteria into one costume, because most of the people on this campus will go as a "slutty (fill-in-the-blank)." Picking a normal occupation or known character such as a nurse, teacher, cab driver, weight-lifter, Napoleon, meat-grinder, etc. and putting the word, "slutty" in front of it is NEITHER CREATIVE NOR UNIQUE!

Even if you aren't going for creative and unique, you shouldn't go for LAME. Because we happen to live in Wisconsin, where the locals (and the Minnesotans) think 50 degrees equals sunscreen, and 10 degrees is only "brisk," a scantily-clad costume is not only lame, it is stupid. Besides, leaving something to the imagination is the key, ladies.

Now that I have vented my personal opinions and offended half of the people I know who are probably going as a "slutty (fill-in-the-blank)," I would like to try to help you brainstorm some ideas.

Instead of being something "slutty," why not pick another adjective to throw in front of an everyday job or person? What about 'bloody" or "awkwardly tall" or even something as easy as "evil"? Bloody nurse, awkwardly tall midget, evil nun. Paradox poltergeists, you get the idea. Now, I realize that these aren't the most fabulous suggestions, but I'm just trying to help you brainstorm.

Another way to make a normal thing creative or unique is to increase the number of participants. My eight roommates and I thought about being "March of the Penguins," which I thought was hysterical, but unfortunately didn't work out. Rather than dressing up like a zebra, why don't you get a bunch of chums together and be an entire zoo? (I was actually an entire zoo myself freshman year by wearing all of the animal print I own, which is an obscene amount).

You could also get a bunch of people to dress up like bowling pins, and then run around doing somersaults and bump into them with your bowling ball costume. Another idea is to dress up like the cast of a movie or a TV show, like Power Rangers, Saved By the Bell (I know, I love it), or Zoobilee Zoo. Therefore, you can all look stupid together and marginalize your own embarrassment. Think Bush's task forces or teams of the NFC north (I'm getting into this football jargon now).

I think there is often too much pressure to be funny on Halloween. What happened to trying to be 'scary'? You can probably use many of the things you already own for a costume that plays off people's fears. For example, my biggest fear is little girls with long stringy hair in white nightgowns. This would be a frightening costume that would be very inexpensive, easy to pull off and memorable — just please don't try to find me, because I will seriously cry.

Whatever you end up deciding to dress up in, my clueless costumer, make sure it's something you feel comfortable in that will keep you warm. Don't feel too much pressure to be unique because I already know who is going to win Halloween this year: Robbie Gustafson is going as the Vikings Sex Party Boat. How's he going to do it? We'll just have to keep our eyes open for a huge ship walking down the middle of State Street to find out.

Good luck, my friend. I hope to see you in a fabulous costume this weekend … unless you go as that little girl. In that case, I'm really serious about you staying away from me.

Clare

Dear Clare,

Embarrassed at the Embassy

Dear Embarrassed,

I have never understood why people use quotation marks around names when they write into an advice column and want to be anonymous. Using quotations actually increases the chances that the people you are really writing about will realize it's them in the letter because the names are obviously not real. The use of quotations is also pointless because the chances of two people named Bud and Martha elsewhere who are in the same situation as your two characters are slim to absolutely NONE, so it's not like you have to worry about that.

Anyway, let's get on to your question. To find a solution, we need to reflect on why Martha feels that running around like that is acceptable. The most plausible answer I can come up with is that she feels comfortable in her own skin and thinks you are a nice and non-threatening guy.

If you feel she fits the first description, you have three options. You can either a) make her feel uncomfortable in her own skin, b) make her think you aren't a nice and non-threatening guy or c) do both.

Because we have limited space available, let's take the extreme and go with option c. The best way to do this would be to make the most unthinkable, horrible and rude remark one can make to a girl: tell her she should "really lay off that Babcock Ice Cream," or any other caloric delicacy she may enjoy. That's right, something about her being fat. Even if she is a stick insect, making a comment about her weight would definitely make her cover up next time you're around. If your buddy gets mad at you for saying something, blame it on me, or tell him you were "totally kidding and that you think she's totally hot." You can also tell Martha the next time you see her that you don't think she has a weight problem. My guess is that she'll be so horrified about the remark that even if she believes you were joking, she won't feel comfortable running around like that in front of you anymore.

I would usually not condone, let alone advise, such mean and nasty remarks, but desperate times call for desperate measures. How dare this little hoochie make you feel uncomfortable in your own place; you do what you need to do.

Good luck, my friend,

Clare