Dear Clare,

Dreaming of Dancing

Dear Dreaming,

Though I pretend to be an expert on everything, the only thing I could really say I'm close to being an expert on is DANCING! So you are in luck, my friend. In terms of being able to learn to dance, there are of course things you can do: take a class, watch and study music videos, rent concert versions of various pop artists, etc. However, there are some — well, many — people in this world who just don't have rhythm. Without rhythm, there is no hope of being a good dancer. After years of teaching frat boys how to dance in Humorology, I have realized that rhythm is innate and cannot, under any circumstances, be taught (though it can be faked very well even in tap shoes).

I am going to assume that you are one of these people completely lacking rhythm. To answer your question then, no, there is no way you can really learn to be a good dancer, and yes, you are forever stuck with two left feet. Don't despair though, my foul-footed friend, because you can be a "bad" yet "acceptable" dancer. So rather than try to teach your body something that is completely unnatural, we're going to teach your mind to view your lack of talent as something to be proud of.

When it comes to dancing, there are more categories one may fall into besides just being "good" or "bad." The evaluation of someone being a "good" or "bad" dancer completely depends on one's placement in these categories but doesn't reflect the more important evaluation: if someone's dancing is "annoying" or "acceptable." This distinction will help you because it shows that you can be "bad" yet "acceptable," which will hopefully help you feel more comfortable. Confused yet? Well, allow me to further elaborate on these categories.

Category 1: Good, yet Annoying.

There are people who are good dancers and love to tell people they are good dancers, breaking out moves from Usher, JT, MJ, B-Spears and other pop-culture icons. These jumpin' Jacksons annoy everyone else around them because they are going out on the dance floor with the intention of showing off the hours they've devoted to downloading music videos and studying every eight-count (in dance, music is broken down into a series of counts of eight and then moves are inserted into these blocks). These boasting Backstreet Boys (and girls) are thus seen to others as "annoying" although they are technically in the "good" category.

Bragging actually diminishes the talent people will credit them with: by building themselves up as good dancers, other's expectations of their ability is inflated, so that when they actually do bust some moves, they are judged more harshly than if they would've just gone out and surprised everyone with their mad skill. "Boo" to members of this category.

Category 2: Good and Acceptable

Rather than studying TRL everyday, the members of Category One should be studying the off-floor moves of this elite group. These people are "good" dancers who don't talk about their talent, but just go out and enjoy themselves because of the actions of dancing, not because they think everyone is looking at them and admiring their moves. They dance because they love to dance. In the words of the fabulously funny comedian Dane Cook, they "just GOTTA DANCE!"

Now clearly, my friend, you are in neither of these categories because you think you are an awful dancer (which you probably are). So now we'll move onto two of the categories you will more likely be a proud part of.

Category 3: Bad and Annoying

This is the category that you are in right now. You are bad, you know you're bad, and you let it take over your life at parties. To members of Category Two (remember, the elite group), you are annoying because they think you are either (a) a pervert who is watching them dance and deriving some sort of sick pleasure out of it or (b) a complete bore because you come to a party only to sit on a couch for hours and not talk to anyone. These are obviously not opinions you want people to have about you, so I first advise you to get off the couch!

Another subgroup of this category would be people who think they're good but are actually horrible. Elaine from "Seinfeld" is the perfect example of this group when she insists on doing her ridiculous dance move at her office party, resembling more of a spastic twitch than a motion a stable and sane person would come up with. If you aren't a "Seinfeld" fan and don't know what I'm referring to, shame on you! This subgroup is definitely the most annoying, so I'm very happy that you actually admit you are bad. This admission means there's hope!

Category 4: Bad and Acceptable

Of all of the people that fit into each one of these categories, this group is my absolute favorite. Their "bad" and "acceptable" dancing elicits another description: adorable.

This category, my friend, is for you! These are the people who are bad dancers and know it, but just don't give a damn. They are the people who dance because they LIKE dancing to music, shaking their thangs (in dance lingo, that means "bootie") and don't care about what other people are thinking of them.

This carefree attitude makes their dancing "acceptable" because it is clear they are enjoying themselves! Their passion and love of life is all they need. The quintessential example of this group is the life-loving and innately exuberate Napoleon Dynamite. I guarantee we will never see the moves he busts out for his buddy Pedro in the next Aaron Carter video (not like I watch Aaron Carter videos or anything … ), but that doesn't mean his performance wasn't a smashing success!

Lisa Turtle's creation of "the sprain" that she pulls out to win the Casey Kasem Dance Contest with Screech after she sprains her ankle is another example of this "bad" but "acceptable" attitude. I'm sorry, "the sprain" was an incredibly stupid and talentless move and should definitely not have beaten A.C. Slater's graceful ballet performance (and excuse me, he was in a leotard … amazing — much better than the horrific plaid worn by Zack and Jessie). The ease of her move, however, became irrelevant, and she won because of the dedication and commitment she showed to the competition. That example was to all who told me they enjoyed the "Saved By the Bell" references last week — there's plenty more where that came from.

There's a very cheesy, yet lovely quote that the majority of my girlfriends have in their rooms that includes this piece of advice: dance like no one's watching. This is your new motto, my friend.

Practice your new carefree, dance-loving attitude by putting on a song with a good beat and dancing around your room. If you have roommates, maybe wait until they've gone to class. Then the next time you go to a party, go out on the dance floor, feel the music and just GO. Try to constrict the arm motions a little — someone else's love of limb won't be supplemented by your love of life!

If there are cool people at the party, they will smile, see that you're enjoying yourself and join in on the fun. Don't be self-conscious, because chances are no one is looking at you very much anyway — just try to enjoy yourself! Move those hips, bop that head, spin that girl and smile.

A quick note to all members of the male species: rubbing up against a female, whether she is facing forwards or backwards, for an extended period of time is neither "good" nor "acceptable," but is in the category of "very, very bad/gross" and "hugely annoying."

Good luck, my friend! I believe in you!

Clare