It's been a while since we opened up the Last Action Heroes mailbag to see what our loyal readers have to say. This past week we received an intriguing story idea from Last Action Heroes fanatic Alex "Al Paschkino" Paschke. Al wonders if the Last Action Heroes could tell its loyal readership "the absolute overall five most kick-ass hilarious extreme groin-grabbingly good action movies." We thought that would be an excellent idea. Thanks Paschkino!
Derek: (The Bond Series, "Goldeneye")
Combining the action prowess of a Jason Bourne, the ingenuity of a MacGyver and the ability to maintain his sexy like Austin Powers, James Bond is the epitome of an action hero. The man is all about action. Whether the action is taking place atop a giant satellite tower such as in "Goldeneye" or in the sack at the end of the movie with the voluptuous Natalya Semyonova, Bond movies are constant action.
In 1995's "Goldeneye," a deadly satellite weapon falls into devious hands. Only Agent 007, played by Pierce Brosnan, can prevent a cataclysmic disaster from occurring. The chief villain in the movie is rogue Agent 006 and ex-friend Alec Trevelyan (Sean Bean). While Bond and 006 square off at the end of the movie, Bond also has to deal with the sexy assassin Xenia Onatopp. Xenia is an assassin in cahoots with Trevelyan and uses pleasure as her ultimate weapon. As in all Bond movies, 007 triumphs in the end and finds the company of Natalya most enjoyable.
The reason "Goldeneye" and the Bond series makes the top five list is because Bond epitomizes action. It doesn't hurt that the movie was turned into one of the most popular video games of all time either.
Ryan: ("Firestorm")
It's not often that a football superstar stars in what is arguably an enjoyable action film. Howie Long stars as smoke jumper Jessy Graves "Firestorm," a movie made long before he was relegated to Radio Shack commercials with Terri Hatcher.
One of Long's crowning achievements in the film occurs when he rides along on a mountain bike. After switching positions with the female lead and starting up a chainsaw, he proceeds to throw it at a pursuing jeep filled with the convicts, stopping them in their tracks. While this all may seem fairly trivial, Long (possibly using telekinesis) manages to keep the chainsaw working while it flies through the air, without a finger on the trigger.
But it doesn't end there. The peak action moment of "Firestorm" shows a level of amazing potential for Long that fans never got to see again, as he basically retired from Hollywood. Just as the titular firestorm closes in on Long, he flips over a boat and dives underneath the water of a nearby lake, hoping to protect himself. After throwing an axe in the chest of a pursuing William Forsythe, Long actually uses Forsythe's own body (the axe throw didn't kill him) to plug a hole in the hull of the boat.
And need we mention the greatness that is "Are you still alive down there, fireman?" Spectacular movie.
Derek: ("Delta Force 2")
Action movies are about kills, beat-downs, explosions and mindless plotlines. In "Delta Force 2," Chuck Norris racks up over 90 kills and 20 beat-downs. The movie has 104 total kills and over 40 beat-downs. Even if Norris simply mows down bad guys with a machine gun, this is what action movies are about.
Chief Villain Ramon Cota is exporting illegal drugs into the United States. Norris and his partner attempt to bring him into court. The only way they can get close to him without endangering themselves is to sneak onto his private aircraft, kill all the guards, throw him off the plane without a parachute and then skydive down and secure him before he goes splash. With that accomplished, Cota makes it to an American court where he is let off virtually scot-free. Norris later leads an arsenal of sky commandos into the small country of San Carlos to apprehend or kill the evil Cota.
This has all the makings of a propaganda piece for the U.S. government. The entire "Delta Force" series consists of Norris and his cronies running around foreign countries taking out hundreds of bad guys without a single worry for the consequences. In "Delta Force 2," the members of Cota's army are dressed like janitors and have the strange urge to run out into the open while American fighter jets and attack helicopters are bearing down on them. Norris easily kills over 200 villains in both Delta Forces. While not a true action hero like Seagal or Van Damme, he is the climax of action when called upon.
Ryan: ("Commando")
While it may seem like I have a bit of an action-crush on "Commando," it's simply because no film has ever entertained me on the same level as this movie. Arnold Schwarzenegger's portrayal of a loving-father-turned-killer is spectacular, truly showing viewers the extent of his paternal love. This is Arnold with a nice, thick accent, actually referring to his daughter Jenny as "Chenny" throughout the entire film.
"Commando" clocks in at an hour-and-a-half even, but is continuous action all the way through. With the exception of about five minutes at the beginning and end of the film, every moment includes a few kills or, at the very least, one of a plethora of incredible one-liners. No other man could fool Sully with such a clever ruse or tell an intimidating opponent (who also happens to be a green beret): "I eat green berets for breakfast. And right now I'm very hungry."
The action zenith of "Commando" hits late in the film, as Matrix arrives on the rebel army's compound. After shooting a man in the chest with what can best be described as a knife-gun, Arnold ducks into a tool shed to avoid gunfire. He emerges with a saw blade, pitchfork and other gardening implements, which he uses to dominate a horde of enemy troops.
Derek and Ryan: ("Lionheart")
The last and final selection to this immaculate list stars the one and only Jean-Claude Van Damme as "Lionheart's" Lyon Gaultier. Shortly after learning of his brother's death, Gaultier deserts his Foreign Legion comrades to come to the U.S. To make money he has no choice but to do what comes naturally to him — fight other homeless people. The muscles from Brussels packs one-liners and beats down fellow foreigners in this action-packed 1990 flick that also gives face time to Tae-Bo superstar Billy Blanks.
"Lionheart's" high action moment comes late in the film, as JCVD is on the receiving end of a historical beat down from Atilla, a Mongolian opponent. Jean-Claude crawls over to Joshua, his mentor, hoping for some sort of encouragement. Instead, the street-smart Joshua admits to placing both men's money on the muscular Mongol. JCVD's response is a quick, yet stern "Wrong bet," shortly before he unleashes a spin-kick of monumental proportions on Atilla. This kick is so powerful the filmmakers chose to shoot it from five different angles, all in slow motion.
This is truly JCVD at his finest, before he had a true grasp of the English language. While Gaultier isn't in the same league as greats Chance Boudreaux and Luc Deveraux, this early JCVD work serves as a sign of amazing works yet to come.
The Last Action Heroes want to hear from you!!! Did they overlook any key action entries with this list? Clue them in to any of your own picks for "groin-grabbingly good action movies" by dropping Derek and Ryan a line at [email protected].
