Catfights! Fashion! Tears! No, it's not Friday night at the KK, it's the return of UPN all-star "American's Next Top Model." Tyra Banks and her posse of babes are back to spice up our Wednesday nights with the reality show that's the mental equivalent of a Diet Coke and as addictive as crack.
As devoted watchers know, "Next Top Model" pits 13 aspiring Giselles against each other in a competition that has produced such stars as season one's winner Adrianne Curry, who parlayed her success into an appearance on "The Surreal Life." She can currently be seen as Peter Brady's girlfriend in the creepy situation that is VH1's "My Fair Brady."
The competition on "Next Top Model" revolves around flamboyantly themed photo shoots that, in the past, have involved wild animals, cemeteries and underwater submersion. The unfortunate model whose "best shot" doesn't fit Tyra's definition of "fierce," a word she has never explicitly defined, is sent home and invariably doomed to a future of doing local ads for Fleet Farm. The girls who remain are one step closer to the universal dream of getting paid to be pretty. The grand prize is a semi-lucrative modeling contract and a fashion spread in Elle magazine, although this season's winner has been demoted to gracing the pages of Elle's little sister, Ellegirl. Burn.
It will be hard for anything this season to compare to Tyra's meltdown, occurring during the show's fourth season. Her rant reduced the Sports Illustrated swimsuit model and Victoria's Secret spokeswoman to screaming "Shut up! Shut up!" at a feisty contestant, but season five shows promise with even more drama and intrigue.
Wednesday's two-hour season premier extravaganza began in Beverly Hills with the arrival of 36 beauties, handpicked by Tyra from tens of thousands of model wannabes. It didn't take long for drama to ensue as cameras caught the girls bickering about chapstick and fumbling their way down the runway at a fashion show attended by A-listers such as Tori Spelling.
Tears flowed as the 36 contestants became 20, and even more mascara ran when 20 became 13. Especially painful to watch was the elimination of a robust redhead whom Tyra told to gain some weight and work as a plus-size model and a punk rocker whom Miss Banks decided was "actually pretty under all that eyeliner." No one ever said being a top model was easy.
After a grueling super-hero themed photo shoot where the models were barked at to "look sexy" while strung on moving harnesses, Ashley, a Sharon Stone-esque stunner, was axed. Good riddance to the girl who felt the need to tell the judges "we have what we call a 'pretty gene' in my family." Pretty, it seems, is sometimes just not enough.
It will take a few episodes to eliminate the competition's dead weight (although collectively these girls can't weigh much more than a Mini Cooper) and narrow the group down to the girls with real potential and the uptight bitches who will be kept around to stir up drama. Vying for this position are Cassandra, an aloof Texan beauty queen who, much to the fear and confusion of the other girls, compares her distant attitude with that of a successful sociopath, and Nicole, who cries a lot, whines more and is clueless when it comes to preparing Ramen noodles.
Not to be overlooked are Kim, a Wellesley-educated lesbian, and Sarah, a wide-eyed Dairy Queen employee who's never met anyone gay but isn't afraid to kiss Kim (on the lips!) when the androgynous beauty calls her pretty. Juicy!
Sociopaths and lesbian action aside, "America's Next Top Model" has lost its real source of drama in the conspicuous absence of everyone's favorite lunatic, former judge Janice Dickinson. Without Dickinson, another "Next Top Model" alum who's currently lending her vast talents to "The Surreal Life," the show lacks the flavor and pure hilarity the "world's first supermodel" created with her blunt criticism and unabashed (albeit fabulous) bitchiness.
Sixties icon and new judge Twiggy has some high stilettos to fill, and although she means well, her English reserve and only slightly mean comments do little to fill the void. She will almost certainly never attack the contestants with Dickinson's signature bizarre criticisms that in the past have included the mildly accusatory "your face looks like it belongs on a pirate flag!" We don't know what the hell it meant, but we're sure going to miss it.
Although "America's Next Top Model" is not intellectually stimulating, the guilty-pleasure factor in watching beautiful people struggle through ridiculous situations ("Put makeup on! No mirrors! Now pose like a bear!") on their quest for national notoriety is wholly entertaining and oddly compelling. Tyra Banks is not a rocket scientist, but she knows exactly what it takes to keep us entertained for an hour and a half on Wednesday night.
Season five, without a doubt, will be no exception to the entertainment value of the past four seasons. With the promise of catfights, couture, several feet of hair extensions, a few bruised egos and a hell of a lot of vogue-ing, this show is perfect for a few good laughs. This season's contestants may only be mentally vacant eye-candy, but watching them struggle with themselves, the judges and each other is perversely fascinating. After a few episodes you may just find yourself striking a pose along with them.
"America's Next Top Model" airs on the UPN Wednesdays at 7 p.m.
