Serial Killers. Rapists. Kidnappers. Armed Thieves. Extortionists. Child Molesters. Windtalkers. Guys without eyelashes. What do you get when you combine all of these elements? You get an action-packed movie featuring convicts on the loose with such stars as Nicolas Cage, Steve Buscemi, John Malkovich and John Cusack. More precisely, you get "Con Air." To quote Mike Robinson, Managing Editor at the Herald: "You guys are watching 'Con Air?' I love 'Con Air!'"

Derek:

There are few movies in existence with as many badasses as "Con Air." Imagine any type of crime from murder to child molestation and somebody in this movie has done it. With names like "Cyrus the Virus" and "Diamond Dog," the real stars of this movie pack names to match their reps.

The good guys in this movie are surprisingly not weak. Nicolas Cage, star of "The Rock" and the agonizingly terrible "Windtalkers," manages to rack up a few kills in the movie. However, Cage has a conscience and often thinks before he kills. John Cusack, on the other hand, gets beat down by a large aircraft and looks as intimidating as his sister in those telephone commercials. While the good guys win out in the end, it is the bad guys that inflict the most damage and make "Con Air" one of the most unique action movies of all time.

Goat:

Let it never be said that the Last Action Heroes view nothing less than the finest of action films. After a hot tip from one of our Junior Action Heroes, Brice Hoover, we went to the nearest Blockbuster and picked up "Con Air." The film features Nicolas Cage, typically despised by yours truly, but somehow he is actually able to maintain a believable action presence. He stars as Cameron Poe, a U.S. Ranger deeply in love with his wife. From the first scene he's in, Poe exhibits one of his many action powers, by sensing his wife is pregnant simply by putting his ear up to her stomach. Suddenly, viewers are treated to a touching rendition of Trisha Yearwood's "How Do I Live." As I turned to my action counterpart I swear I saw a tear or two forming in the corners of his eyes — and he can't blame that one on Lasik.

Soon after sensing his child, Cage and his wife are faced by three drunken rednecks in a parking lot. Rather than be punked by a bunch of white trash, Cage beats all three of them down thoroughly, eventually killing the hillbilly foolish enough to pull a knife on him. As fate would have it, he's imprisoned for involuntary manslaughter. A prison montage shows that Cage is a multi-faceted man, as he learns Spanish, practices Origami and writes caring letters (though with the grammar of a 10-year-old) to his daughter.

Several years and one sweet mullet later (think JCVD, circa "Hart Target") Cage is ready to be released from prison. Naturally, his flight home doesn't go as planned, and it's up to him to bring down an entire airplane filled with homicidal maniacs.

Derek:

Unsurprisingly, the convicts need the help of Dave Chappelle to turn the tide in their favor. Shortly after a prison guard remarks to the inmates "Your testicles have become my personal property," Chappelle or "Pinball Parker" lights a Native American convict on fire using materials he had partially swallowed and then regurgitated.

The ensuing fire creates chaos and allows Pinball to open the cages and set free the greatest concentration of psychotics and miscreants the world has ever seen. Immediately they begin ripping apart the bodies of prison guards and painting the walls red. Over the next hour, the convicts pick up even more inmates in Carson City and then stage a massive shootout with federal agents at an abandoned Air Force Base in New Mexico. After the massive shootout, the leader of the gang Cyrus realizes there is a traitor among those onboard Con Air. The conflict eventually takes over the entire aircraft and the plane eventually crashes into a Las Vegas casino.

Goat:

One of the more impressive kills in the film comes courtesy Dave Chappelle — or rather his corpse. After being caught in the airplane's landing gear, he is wedged loose by Cage and falls to earth. Though any other corpse would be rather mediocre, Chappelle's dead body sports a distinct smirk. Maybe he planned it all along.

Chappelle eventually crash lands on a man's car, doling out the pain threefold. He delivers emotional, economic and physical beat-downs simultaneously even long after his death. I'll just hold onto hope and dream about Chappelle being considered for the next "xXx."

The kill-to-beat-down ratio is actually quite decent, with about 42 kills to 75 beat-downs in "Con Air." Though Cage's ratio is a little less impressive (for every kill he has two beat-downs), all eight of his kills are impressive in their own right. He shoves a splintered pole deeply into Cyrus' ankle, punks out Johnny 23 (played by everyone's favorite generic Mexican, Danny Trejo) and even has a bitch-slap beat-down on an effeminate cross-dressing inmate. He takes out Ving Rhames with a motorcycle explosion and eventually crushes Cyrus' head to claim final victory. Cage may not have many action credentials, but he earns his stripes the hard way in "Con Air."

Derek:

Nicolas Cage should stick to movies like "National Treasure." Cage is no more than a sophisticated version of Brendan Fraser with a longer filmology and more action films to his credit. Why Hollywood directors continue to put him in action roles is a mystery. Cage is not badass enough to be in "Con Air" and for some reason was given a very badass role in "Gone in 60 Seconds." Seriously, we are talking about a guy who was fooled out of all his money and riches by his teenage daughter in "Matchstick Men." As far as Seagal and Van Damme have fallen, they don't go as low as this.

By far the most badass line that spews from Cage's mouth is "Put the bunny back in the box." He follows up the intimidating words with force by adding, "I said put the bunny back in the box."

His friends in the movie are also weak. Cage's main friend, a diabetic, experiences a dia-beat–down when his blood sugar begins to skyrocket. As strange as it was to see everything in this movie blow up with the smallest of crashes, the subplot of the dying diabetic might be the most unbelievable. As a diabetic myself, I believe I can comment on this aspect of the movie. Cage's friend Mike "Baby-O" O'Dell is a diabetic and finds himself without his insulin while all the chaos breaks out on the plane. Immediately he tells Cage that if he doesn't get his insulin in a few hours he is going to die. One can die from low blood sugar and that is not remedied by insulin, but instead sugar. It takes days and sometimes weeks for one to die from a high blood sugar.

I'll conclude by reiterating my complaint about this movie. Why is Nicolas Cage portrayed as an action hero? He is not. He may share the same last name as Johnny Cage of Mortal Kombat, but he packs nowhere near the ferocity of a Sonja Blade babality. Cage is to action movies what Dolph Lundgren is to Broadway. I give "Con Air" three Jean Claude Van Dammes and one Lou Diamond Phillips for including Nicolas Cage.

Goat:

What Derek neglects to tell everyone is that Cage is 100% badass in "Con Air." Yes, he does say, "Put the bunny back in the box." But in this case, context is everything. Soon after uttering the line, Cage beats the man who dares to touch his bunny (it's a gift for his daughter) to death in the hangar of the airplane. He kills a man for touching his stuffed animal! There is no way to deny how much of a badass Cage is after something like that.

At what I'd likely call one of the many high action points of the film, Cage beats down a man wielding a broken bottle then proceeds to walk toward another convict. The prisoner foolishly shoots Cage in the arm, which doesn't even faze him. Without losing a step, Cage proceeds to kill the very same man who had shot him. How's that for street cred?

So maybe he isn't the superstar that Seagal or Van Damme is, but Cage gives his all in "Con Air" and comes away looking like a legitimate action hero. Not only has Cage shown me that he's not such a bad guy, he's also earned "Con Air" four Chuck Norrises in the process.

The Last Action Heroes want to hear from you!!! Do you see Nicolas Cage as an action hero or a wannabe star? Weigh in on the great Cage debate by dropping Derek and Ryan a line at [email protected].