Today the Last Action Heroes are taking a trip back in time. We've reviewed movies in almost every decade and even had an action bowl of the 1980s vs. 1990s, but what about the 1970s? Today, we bring to you a movie straight out of 1979, comprised completely of failed actors, cracked-out movie directors and Italian prostitutes. We bring you "The Warriors."

Goat:

"The Warriors" follows a group of young gangsters as they travel from their turf on Coney Island to the Bronx for a gang conference. Some 900 gangsters convene in a large park, yet somehow not a single police officer seems to be aware of it. Cyrus, the main gang leader who called the conference in the first place, gives an empowered speech to the various gangs in attendance. His oratory skills are superb, centering on asking people, "Can you dig it?" and referring to them as "suckahs." For anyone who's ever seen pro-wrestler Booker T give a speech, it's suddenly obvious where his entire gimmick originated.

Soon after getting all of the various gangs to see the logic in his idea, Cyrus is assassinated by the leader of the Rogues. The leader is played by none other than David Patrick Kelly, perhaps best known for his role as Sully in "Commando." The same man who would go on to battle the legendary John Matrix started his incredible acting career with this role. True to form, he pins the murder on the Warriors and all hell breaks loose at the conference. Suddenly all of New York City is trying to kill the small gang as they make their way home to Coney Island.

Each of the Warriors has a distinct ability, distinguishing him from the rest of the group. Rembrandt is able to run around like a girl and spraypaint on gravestones without remorse, though his neckerchief greatly detracts from his street credibility. Swan is able to dodge bullets from point-blank range and then throw a knife into the man who just shot at him. Ajax is named after a household cleaner, Cowboy wears a hat and Cleon represents the finest in leopard-print style. Snowball, Cochise and Vermin are all superhumanly generic, seeming to be little more than mannequins wearing maroon leather.

Derek:

"The Warriors" is unlike any movie I have ever seen. The first seven minutes of the movie are used to introduce only a few of the 100 gangs that will eventually convene on a park in New York City. We have such gangs as the Electric Eliminators, the Furies, the Orphans, the Lizzies and a gang seemingly made up of men sporting merms.

"Warriors" director Walter Hill must have been on a crack binge when he put this movie together. We have gangs dressed in baseball uniforms, wielding wooden bats and sporting clown makeup all over their faces. There are gangs of mimes that wear black-and-white striped shirts. There are gangs of skinheads with classic skinhead tattoos that, for some reason, are composed primarily of African-Americans. We have bisexual/lesbian gangs (the Lizzies) that offer up their fellow gang members for sex within a few minutes of meeting members of a rival gang. There are gangs that wear white t-shirts under their yellow tank tops. The list continues …

One particular gang is led by a brute on roller skates. The rest of his crew looks like Eddie Money in overalls and are dressed like Waldo, but in varying colors. The Rogues are a combination of Motley Crüe, Quiet Riot and Poison. One can't forget the Riffs, who seem to have the most control over the streets of New York. Their leader looks like Morpheus from "The Matrix" decked out in disco attire. He leads a gang of at least 100 African-American men sporting black jeans and black tank tops. Finally, we have the gang composed of men sporting merms. Yes, the man-perm. I wouldn't be surprised to see these men wearing socks with sandals, sporting manpris and drinking strawberry daiquiris while watching "American Bandstand."

As with all movies, there appears to be a cameo … sort of. Another gang, the Orphans, seems to be led by David Schwimmer. The man is indecisive, timid and weak.

Goat:

While the beat-down-to-kill ratio isn't where I'd like to see it, that's not to say that "The Warriors" is lacking in action. On the contrary, it oozes with beat-downs on multiple levels. The total of 72 beat-downs throughout the entire film shows that the Warriors are quite proficient at what all great '80s gangs should be able to do — fight people.

One can count the number of shots fired in the movie on one hand, yet combat is never stale due to heavy use of alternative weaponry. The list of weapons wielded throughout "The Warriors" is, in no particular order: a sword, bare hands, hockey sticks, razors, a Molotov cocktail, switchblades, chains, a wooden chair, spraypaint, splintered wooden sticks, a rusty machete, steel pipes and a candy bar. Quite impressive.

I felt upset with a few scenes, as they teased immense amounts of action only to take them away moments later. When the Warriors first encounter The Orphans, the rival gang that appears to be led by David Schwimmer, they have an intense exchange of words leading up to the Orphans running away. Moments later a group of almost forty Orphans surprise the group of eight warriors, making it seem like a spectacular fight is about to break loose. But the action-tease of a director instead decides that Swan, the lead Warrior, should throw a Molotov cocktail onto a cop car. Rather than run after the Warriors, the Orphans pull a Frankenstein and are scared of the flames some twenty feet away from them. What could've easily been a sweet showcase for the Warriors' battle prowess was instead a laughable interaction.

An emotional high of the movie hits as the Warriors take the subway home near the end of the action. Swan and his prostitute friend find themselves sitting opposite four high school students fresh from their prom, exchanging awkward glances. Then comes the turning point where Swan decides to deliver one of the most powerful emotional beat-downs witnessed in cinema. He glares at the kids for a couple of seconds, after which they decide to leave the train. Beating up random thugs in large numbers is one thing, but for Swan to take down four upper-class teenagers with one stare down is the stuff legends are made of.

Derek:

As Goat mentioned above, gangs in this movie use every type of weapon imaginable. What is strange, though, is that when the great Cyrus preaches at the beginning of the film, there are at least 60,000 "soldiers" or gang members in the city, but only a few are featured with guns throughout the movie. Each gang is allowed to send nine representatives to the gangster conference, and they must be unarmed. However, when Cyrus is shot and the gangs return to their turf, none have firearms except for the gang of lesbians. Blunt weapons and fists appear to be the weapons of choice on the gang-infested streets of NYC.

One scene that sticks out is a showdown between five members of the Warriors and a sizeable contingent of gangsters on roller skates, wearing overalls and sporting Waldo-like shirts. Since most of the movie takes place at various train stations throughout NYC, it's only natural to expect the brawl to go down in one of the station's restrooms.

By the time the brawl is over, the Warriors provided an express delivery of hurt to the tough-walking gang of Waldos. In less than one minute the two gangs dish out over 25 beat-downs, destroy two bats in the process along with two sh-thouse doors, numerous mirrors and an entire group of egos. The Warriors solved the question of Waldo's whereabouts — check the nearest hospital.

The only way I could sum up the way these gangs were portrayed in this movie is if the Circus World Museum of Baraboo had a Compton branch and the clowns went Charlie Manson on the rest of the city. I give "The Warriors" three JCVDs and a bonus Morpheus.

Goat:

I completely agree with Derek. This was an enjoyable movie, featuring more beat-downs than almost any action movie I can think of. While all of the actors are washed-up now, I have to believe it's because they couldn't find a project that could ever top "The Warriors" and decided to just stop looking. I give "The Warriors" three Chuck Norrises and a bonus David Schwimmer. Now can you dig that, suckahs?