After a three-month hiatus, the Last Action Heroes return to grace the University of Wisconsin campus with action know-how and intensive analysis of today’s best straight-to-television films. However, there will be a noticeable difference in the makeup of the heroes this year. Last Action Hero Joe Ziemer has left and will be replaced by Ryan Gauthier. “Goat,” as they call him, is a worthy replacement. He works at University Square Theaters and has been known to stay up past 2 a.m. watching “Stargate SG-1.” It must be said, though, that Goat has not passed all tests to become a true action aficionado and, until that happens, his words will be graced by an asterisk. He has the skills, but not the creds. Enough of this talk. Let’s talk about this past summer of action or, should we say, inaction.

D-rock:

A majority of today’s legitimate action movies find themselves on the straight-to-TBS or Sci-Fi Channel track. I found myself watching these movies three to four times a week this summer and, let me tell you, the action genre is hurting. Since when did Lou Diamond Phillips and Coolio take over the action realm? Coolio has starred in such flicks as “Pterodactyl,” “Gang Warz,” “Dracula 3000” and the television series “Holla.” Not exactly a quality filmology. In recent years, Coolio has found himself in movies featuring killer sharks and large killer prehistoric birds that have come back to life. Such is the plot of “Red Water.”

“Red Water” stars Lou Diamond Phillips as Gulf War veteran John Sanders, along with Kristy Swanson and Coolio as the aptly named “Ice.” The point of this movie is that a freshwater shark wreaks havoc on a Louisiana river, eating swimmers, tour guides and eventually washed-up rappers. The movie is rated R despite the absence of nudity, intense graphic violence or any discernable foul language. The rating might have stemmed from Coolio’s hairstyle, which appears to have not changed since he recorded “Gangsta’s Paradise.” There was no plot to this movie, and the shark is, of course, killed when LDP uses his oil-rigging skills to smash the rig’s drill into the shark’s mouth. This movie wasted two hours of my life.

Ryan:

Most people do little more than scoff at the covers while making their way to “Win A Date with Tad Hamilton” or “Shall We Dance” at the local Blockbuster. As I walked through the State Street store this past week, I saw the newest Steven Seagal release, “Submerged.” To be accurate, I saw a dozen copies of it sitting on the shelf, looking completely untouched. I’d just watched “Wake of Death,” the latest Jean-Claude Van Damme movie, a week earlier, and thought I’d try to get a feel for how both action legends’ careers were doing.

When I watched “Wake of Death,” I had a pleasant surprise. Somehow Van Damme had managed to turn out an enjoyable flick after seemingly falling off the map. JCVD stars as Ben, an ex-gangster whose hobbies include playing “Tekken” with his son and having sex with his wife in a tub. After a touching scene where Van Damme offers to share his pudding cup with an illegal immigrant, we can see that the Muscles from Brussels has a heart of gold.

Sadly, Van Damme’s wife is killed by a Triad gang leader. He cries for a while, then has a stiff drink and decides he’d rather kick some ass. The blood bath that follows is second to none, with JCVD and his old mafia pals killing countless Triads. JCVD is in top form, using spin-kicks, a variety of guns and even a power drill.

With “Wake of Death,” Van Damme has proven he still has the magic needed to propel an average plot into a superb action film. While it may still be a while before he is back in theaters, “Wake of Death” is a spin-kick in the right direction for JCVD. I give this film three Chuck Norrises.

D-rock:

This second film has all the makings of a craptacular action flick. On par with Richard Gere’s “Strike Force” and Xzibit’s “Full Clip,” “Alien Express” packs twice the budget and half the reality. The plot is simple: a meteor crashes in the Southwest and fragments containing aliens land on a train. Deputy Vic Holden (Lou Diamond Phillips) questions the sheriff’s decision to let the train move on, despite the engineer being covered in green slime. Once the train starts moving, the aliens emerge and multiply, killing passengers, one of whom is a senator on track to be the next president. The rest is simply terrible.

The helicopter and the train depicted in the film were probably found at a toy store and, while the aliens looked somewhat legitimate, the film’s editor must have been coked up or on E because the aliens moved faster than Van Damme in a kickboxing match. Flanking LDP was Todd Bridges and other lesser-known actors. One must remember, though, that this is the Sci-Fi Channel, home to such all-star straight-to-television movies as “Dune,” “Battlestar Galactica” and “Anonymous Rex.” Once LDP and the rest of the passengers successfully killed the aliens by running them off a cliff, all is thought to be well. As soon as they breathe a collective sigh of relief, however, an intense meteor shower appears and LDP knows damn well what that means. Bittersweet endings do not belong in action movies, but that’s what you get when you combine LDP and the Sci-Fi Channel.

Ryan:

As great as “WOD” was, it literally pained me to watch “Submerged.” Seagal has long been (and always will be) my pick for all-time action superstar. But when he turns out pieces of crap like this, it’s hard to argue that he deserves such accolades. Seagal has a strange Cajun accent in the film, but his entire military crew is British. Confused? So was I.

“Submerged” only has a few scenes aboard a submarine, which makes one question the title. Seagal turns in a respectable kill count of 21 people, with four additional beatdowns and one tank destroyed using a grenade. Unfortunately, most of his kills involve a shotgun that he runs around with. There is only one scene in which he uses his expertly honed martial-arts skills, which seems like a waste.

Someone actually does voiceovers for Seagal in a few scenes that are painfully easy to notice. His voice goes from raspy and deep to sounding like a strange parody of himself, then back again. Why Seagal couldn’t speak his own lines is strange, but he does deliver a few of the more memorable one-liners. He continually speaks in the ridiculous accent and, at one point, notes, “There’s some sick shit up in here, Alligator.” Yes, he calls his friend “Alligator” throughout the movie. Weird.

I can’t say I recommend “Submerged,” especially since I was forced to use an action-chaser of “Commando” after I finished watching it. I give Seagal’s latest a whopping three Xzibits. Now he’s officially been pimped.