Dear Buckingham Badger,

We need to talk. We’ve been dating for over three years now and I think we are growing apart. I’m growing up and should be moving on, while you’re perpetually stuck at 22. Sure the sex has been great but I need more than a good lay on a Friday night. Please don’t be mad, I just can’t chase your tail around forever. Really it’s me, not you.

I have been seriously looking back upon our relationship and it’s becoming clear what I desire and need in a relationship. Bucky, I’m just not sure you’re the man to do the job. The conclusion I have come to is that we are too different in our personalities and our lifestyles to be able to successfully carry on in this relationship. Your idea of a good time is to do a bar crawl up State Street and wind up having a threesome in the Plaza bathroom. While that was once my only ambition in life, I have since realized there is more out there. I could be spending my time working in a cubical, driving a SUV and planning for retirement.

We’ve had so many great times together, but I think you’ll admit that we’ve had our fair share of bad times also. I enjoyed skinny-dipping off of the Terrace pier. Wait — was that with you? Anyways, I wonder why we didn’t get along too well partying on Langdon. I always thought that Frat row was going to bring out the best in you. Just so you know, I was disappointed. However when you got the job bouncing at Brats, everything was “working” just fine.

We had some strange moments too; such as the time you happen to be my Bio TA. That was unexpected to say the least. It was a little awkward making you eggs in the morning and talking about my grade, but I think we handled it well. I wonder if we broke any rules with that one? In any case, thanks for the ‘A.’

Bucky, you and I have gotten through thick and thin, literally. I want to thank you for not caring about those few pounds I put on. I was always surprised that you still wanted to get it on. Even when I was drunk and my eye makeup was smeared down my face making me look like the lost member of KISS, you always managed to keep it up.

You seem to have a lot of experience in the bedroom. I never asked you how many, I was truly afraid of the answer, Bucky. I’m sure you had many girlfriends before me, but thank you for making me feel so special. When I first met you the first night in the dorms, I was shy, but you quickly took care of that. I had no idea I was so flexible. Maybe I should take up gymnastics. No, on second thought, I should use my degree. Plus, I want a mortgage someday.

We never talked very much about the future. I think now that it was your way of holding on to me for as long as you could. To be honest you’ve worn me out. All relationships, as this one is, in the end are simply open doors to better relationships, built on what we have learned in the past. I trust and know that there is a young freshman out there that will support you in your growth while loving you exactly the way you are. She will embrace you for all that you mean, which is something that I can no longer do.

I see you all too clearly. Honey, you weren’t fooling me when you said you’d never had feelings like this for a girl before. I know you had other girls on the side, 20,000 to be exact. If there has ever been a pimp, Bucky it’s you. Well, now you have one less ho.

At this point, I am ready to graduate to the next level of a relationship. In the next few years my friends will stop going to Mifflin, start having babies and begin losing their hair. If this sounds like hell to you, then remember you helped me get that much closer to wrinkles and age spots, big thanks.

This is not about you or I being wrong or right for each other. It is much more to do with fitting each other right now. We are not the ‘right’ people for each other at this time in our lives. I’m headed off into the world of short-sleeve, button-up dress shirts and pant suits. While Bucky, you are still here stuffing yourself into that hot, furry costume. Let’s forgive ourselves for the ‘mistakes’ we made. I know I’ve grown immensely in these years being with you, but the time has come to move on. Goodbye Bucky, I will always love and, if my memory doesn’t fail me, remember you.

Sincerely, your semi-serious “open relationship” girlfriend.

Lindsey is almost graduated with a graphic design degree and will be passing the sex column to a very capable writer next semester. She would like to say thanks to all of her friends for lending her their embarrassing and not so sexy stories over the past year. She would also like to say thank you to The Badger Herald for the opportunity to write about things she won’t even let her mother read. Lindsey can be reached at [email protected]