We now bring your attention to tonight’s podium host, Mr. Ed McMahon.

“With the first pick of the 2005 film-director draft, 20th Century Fox selects … Alfred Hitchcock of London, England.”

Welcome again, ladies and gentlemen, to the obviously fictitious film-director draft, where Hollywood’s studios have agreed to hold a draft in an unprecedented attempt to make films that are creative, technically sound and artistically crafted. With help from several mad scientists from Third World countries, the draft will allow for human reincarnation. Choosing order will be determined by the film studio’s most recent track record. Because Fox made “Glitter” in 2001 and last year’s painfully dull “Welcome to Mooseport,” the decision for Fox to select first was unanimous.

And so history is made as 20th Century Fox agrees to pay the $50 million reincarnation fee and begin a new era with the master of suspense. Let’s go to Joan Rivers where she is standing by live with Alfred Hitchcock. Joan?

“Yes dear, I am here with the first pick, Mr. Alfred Hitchcock. Alfred, what went through your head when you woke up this morning and decided to dress like a chubby penguin to the biggest night of your second life?”

“Perhaps fashion does not properly entail my expertise.” Hitchcock said. “It is obvious to me that you are a frivolous blond with no purpose.”

“I don’t know what that means, but rest assured you look awful.”

Thanks, Joan, for yet another materialistic fashion tirade. You clearly have no idea what life is about. Hold on. I have just received word that instant analysis provided by Quentin Tarantino will be available only through paraphrasing as Tarantino failed every screen test known to man due to his extremely annoying speech mannerisms, which are loaded with the expressions like “OK?” and usually accompanied by bizarre facial ticks.

For your viewing pleasure, Tarantino will not be allowed within 500 feet of a camera.

I have spoke with Tarantino via telephone and he feels that Hitchcock brings an aura of respect and class to Fox that the company has never had before. With predictable films such as “Titanic” and “Just Married,” Fox earned the dubious reputation for making films that only make one dumber, something Hitchcock will surely change as his suspenseful and surprising directing trademark will finally make a much welcomed comeback.

Warner Bros. Studios has reached a decision. Let’s go to Ed McMahon for the second pick.

“With the second pick, Warner Bros. selects Woody Allen. Woody Allen? That guy’s a goddamn pervert. Who the hell got me this gig anyway? Where am I? What year is it?”

You heard it from Ed as Warner Bros. avoids the costly reincarnation process and takes legendary comedic director and part-time pedophile Woody Allen, a move that will put a stronghold on the New York market and piss off every religious group in the country. Because our microphones cannot pick up the ultra high frequency of Woody Allen’s voice, we are not available to interview Woody, but we are told by his people that he is very excited to work with the Olsen twins and Haley Joel Osment.

I am told by my editor that we are running out of column space and need to speed up the draft process. I am now reporting to you live from the future, where the draft has just been completed and Ed McMahon has just been clinically diagnosed as insane. Also, Joan Rivers is no longer with us, as a tragically violent altercation with Akira Kurosawa, Paramount Picture’s No. 5 pick, resulted in a samurai-style beheading.

With the third pick, Disney selected Orson Welles. They then traded him to Sony for a package deal that included Robert Rodriguez, Alexander Payne and Wong Kar-Wai. Disney admitted before the draft that it was lacking depth in the male 18- to 35-year-old demographic and addressed their needs with three young directors. Sony later announced it will be releasing “Citizen Kane 2: the Aftermath of Rosebud” in the summer of 2007 to reiterate its dominance in the market of unnecessary sequels.

Other notable picks included Dog Eat Dog film’s No. 8 pick of Marlon Riggs. Michael Moore shocked the nation as the pick of Riggs signals that he may actually seek to produce documentaries that are not loaded with edited exaggerations of the truth.

Steven Spielberg went to Miramax with the No. 13 selection and will continue to produce pictures that make profits that double the production costs yet still manage to never break any new ground.

Also worth mentioning, French pioneers Jean-Luc Godard and Jean Renoir went undrafted in an event that solidifies Hollywood’s hatred of the French.

Thank you all for tuning into this year’s film-directors draft, where Hollywood has finally admitted its problem of releasing boring and predictable films and has taken a step toward artistic merit. Maybe this year’s crop of reincarnated legends and still-active directors will save Hollywood and allow it to produce 50 quality movies a year, as opposed to the usual three or four.

Rick is a junior majoring in radio/TV/film. He thinks President Bush should mandate this draft, for the sake of film’s freedom and liberty. Rick can be reached at [email protected].