What makes reality TV a success is its ability to appeal to so many different types of people as men and women of all ages usually find at least one element of a reality show entertaining. Reality TV has exploited serious themes such as racial tension, gender inequality and sexual orientation, yet still manages to always find time for mundane topics like fashion, singing and, of course, people getting loaded and having sex.
The only thing missing from this tried and true formula of entertaining TV is religion, and what better time to incorporate God than now. As the Roman Catholic Church and its cardinals began the process of selecting a new pope yesterday, the popularity of the subject matter and societal significance could make for great TV. By great I mean reducing a vast population’s faith to a freakish hybrid of PBS and Fox programming, which will simultaneously offend viewer’s beliefs and draw them in for precious advertising revenue. In other words, a network executive’s childhood fantasy. America, grab your bible and prepare yourself for “Pope Idol.”
After about a decade of mediocrity, reality shows continue to cover unscripted contests and events and mold them into carefully edited narratives, with each contestant often drastically different in character and appearance than the other. The genres of documentaries, dramas and game shows continue to merge as reality TV shows no sign of loosening its tight grip on network Nielsen ratings. Yet despite its success, reality shows are often still considered lowbrow and tailored to fit the lowest common denominator of the viewing demographic. You do not have to be to very intelligent to view these shows and if you are, it is often with an embarrassing confession that you admit to watching them. “Pope Idol” will bring a newfound respect to the genre of reality programming and TV’s uncanny ability to piss people off and parlay controversy into huge ratings will be evident as never before.
Instead of the boring tradition of cardinals gathering into the Sistine Chapel and not leaving until a two-thirds-plus-one majority is reached, “Pope Idol” will feature judges Simon Cowell, Paula Abul, Randy Jackson, Donald Trump, George Carlin and Wilford Brimley in an open entry contest to determine the next Pope. The contest will be globally presented on Fox and feature over 4,875 languages and dialects. Advertising rates for a 30-second commercial will be in the billions, which leaves the viewer with plenty of Halliburton and Microsoft product rhetoric to feast on.
The first round will consist of each Pope-hopeful auditioning in front of the prestigious panel of judges. Sure none of these judges are experts on Roman Catholicism, but truth and knowledge of a given faith does generate ratings. As each prospective Pope briefly performs such papacy acts like blessing celebrities, singing gospel in different languages, presiding over mass and backseat cruising in the pope mobile, the judges will each have their opportunity to question the candidates in their area of expertise.
The “American Idol” crew will judge hopefuls on the singing ability of their masses and other Pope qualities such as physical appearance and stage presence. Simon’s “no fatties” policy will put an end to dreams of an American Pope and Randy Jackson’s rigid policy of “Keep it real, dawg” will also dash the hopes of the Canadians and Dutch. Paula Abdul, as per tradition, will serve no purpose.
The next area of critique will be bestowed from Donald “The Donald” Trump, whose nickname is not only a tedious reiteration of his first name but also brings to the table some serious egotism, a must for any man as powerful as the Pope. After hearing each candidates financial aspirations for the upcoming fiscal year and plans to modify the technologically defunct tradition of basket donations, Trump will lay his patented “your fired” line on each hopeful whose life’s work of helping other people and serving God will be crushed at the hands of a greedy capitalist legend.
George Carlin will be on hand to judge their sermons. Each sermon will be critiqued on the ability to simultaneously offend and satire. Also, Carlin states that a solid sermon should keep at least 35 percent of the church awake for the entire mass, something the faithful deem impossible.
Wilford Brimley and his giant snow-grizzled handlebar mustache will judge each candidate on what they would do for diabetes if they were elected Pope. After Brimley continues to speak directly to the camera as if he were shooting another infomercial, he becomes angry and confused at the unfamiliar settings and fatally attacks Paula Abdul. This side-plot is sure to satisfy the manslaughter demographic of some countries and would only boost the element of drama, competition and heartache.
After several rounds of judging, 12 finalists will be selected for planet Earth to decide who will be the next “Pope Idol.” The show will be an unprecedented financial success, continue to push corporate advertising down our throats, spur a new interest in Wilford Brimley’s career and will tee off religion as the new “cool,” rivaling only Nike and drug lords in global influence of hip trends.
Rick is a junior majoring in Radio/TV/film. He attends Church during Easter and Christmas to make his Grandma happy. He can be reached at [email protected]
