It’s no mistake Valentine’s Day comes on the cusp of spring. Before hombre-and-womankind discovered shopping couture was a far more productive than hunting the wooly mammoth, sexual attraction was about the Neanderthal who could lift the biggest rock and the Neander-gal who dragged her knuckles the least.

Some scientists say primal urges still govern us, determining whether a woman will purr at a Colin Firth or a Colin Farrell. Gato looked like neither and he hadn’t convinced anyone that he could lift the biggest rock, metaphorically or literally, so he planned to have a platonic ‘I’m (pretending to be) at an impasse’ Valentine’s Day with Lillian.

Lillian is Gato’s good hippie friend from Vermont, and when she came out from under the Burlington snow to call Gato about detouring up to Madison on her way to Chicago, he knew she had more on her mind than Phish breaking up. “I woke up and realized, I’m 25, and I still have yucky dreads,” she said in an exasperated voice. “Trey is never getting divorced, my wardrobe looks like an Amish quilt sweatshop, I’ve done nothing with my art, and I’m poor, and I’ve started to want things — lots of nice things.”

Wanting lots of nice things. That’s the instinct that drives all soggy eyed idealists like a formation of Capistrano swallows to the bright sunny springtime of carnivorous careerism and unabashed consumerism.

But since Valentine’s Day is a week away, Gato wants to talk about expressing leaps of the heart through consumerism — that is, buying gifts for your forever or day-in-Paris Valentine. This year, Gato’s Julie Delpy was Lillian.

Back when Lillian reeked of patchouli and organic gardening, she always surprised Gato with bath products even Gato wouldn’t normally buy for himself. Now that she was, in her words, transforming herself into someone ‘who looked like an advertising agency employee’ Gato figured that he could return the favor.

Instead of going out, Gato would make Lillian dinner. The old friends would share wine, laughter. Gato prayed that as the night wore on and drunkenness deepened, they would not spiral into a flurry of Valentine’s Day ‘no, my love life is more pathetic’ stories that would ultimately end up with two lonely friends sleeping together.

Gato will share the recipe for that dinner at the end and hope that your night ends up in naked cuddle.

As far as objects of affection, bath and beauty products make for great Valentine’s gifts because they speak of pampering. All products listed here can be purchased online in time for Cupid Day.

Lanc?me has the products that she looks at but never buys because of the price. Midwestern revisiting-the-Ice-Age weather can also wreak havoc on skin, especially fair skin. As a take-along remedy, buy that Danish dame Lanc?me’s Aqua Fusion Lotion ($34). For a lower priced wash and moisturizer give her Gel Contr?le Clenser ($20).

For mujeres buying for machos, a little secret about your man: he uses your expensive shampoo as soap. Indulge him with Lanc?me’s Miracle Body and Hair wash.

If your heart is as big as the Coney Island Wonder Wheel for someone but you’re afraid of turning on the lights too bright then scaring them off, handbags and similar accessories are neutral gifts. Beauty products imply some knowledge of intimate routines.

Nothing says ‘I’m being vague about my immense feelings for you’ like a magenta Coach Soho Mini Skinny ($38) or even better, for the more self-assured, the Coach Hampton’s Wristlet ($78).

Tiny and beautiful gifts, regardless of price, are like giving choice lines of a sonnet. This season Crate and Barrel features a line of beautiful, clear bud vases at $1.50 a piece. Transparency and lots of sunlight are both important factors in romance; these vessels on the windowsill are a reminder of that.

When Lillian arrived in Madison, she looked over Gato’s list of recommended gifts. “Isn’t this all a little much for people on a budget?” Gato replied by stating that in love or lust, one must be generous and suffer in the background. Bountiful but economic Valentine’s Day gift giving should amount to working 12 hours at $8 an hour, the equivalent of 24 tequila shots.

Gato fully acknowledges that some can’t afford that. But that shouldn’t hold you back from being CEO of cariño y ternuda — affectionate gestures. That’s why Gato suggests making dinner and a romantic movie instead of going out to crowded restaurants.

For those moving towards committed situations, give little “I promise” cards drawn up on handmade papers. On the cards you’ll write little stress relievers or attention times you promise to give over the year.

Planning the evening starts with Gato’s suggestions for Cupid Day cinema with a corresponding cry-per-view rating: Cinema Paradiso (7 times), Like Water for Chocolate (4 times) and the tragic but beautiful, My First Mister, (cry thinking about it).

Valentine’s Day dinner is beef medallions in mushroom sauce and freezer strawberry cheesecake. Wine for the event is the full, big berryish Jest Red.

First the meat:

Medallions can be custom cut at any supermarket butcher. Because of their size and texture, they’re easy to sauté without fault.

For the mushroom sauce you’ll need: 1 pint of mushrooms, 1/4 to 1/2 stick of butter (to taste), 3/4 cup cream, dash of Kosher salt, 2 chives cut fine, 1 clove of garlic, 1/8 cup of fresh basil finely cut, 1 to 2 T. of flour (to thicken sauce).

Start by putting thinly cut mushrooms in saucepan with a dollop of butter and pinch of salt on medium heat. As soon as mushrooms turn brown, turn down heat to simmer. Melt additional butter with chives, slivers of garlic and basil. After mushrooms are slathered in butter, slowly pour in cream stir, slowly adding in flour to thicken. Sauce is done when consistency thickens and butter color disappears into cream.

In a separate pan, with a dash of salt and butter, sauté medallions over medium heat for about 5 to 7 minutes. As beef starts to brown, pour in cream sauce. Cook together over medium-low heat for 3 to 4 minutes. Serve with small boiled white potatoes or pasta.

Freezer cheesecake is as easy as making rice crispy treats. Start with two boxes of Neufuctel cheese, which is like cream cheese but 1/3 the fat and easier to cook with. Slice cheese up in small 1/4″ blocks and melt in saucepan over medium heat. After mixture is liquid stir in 3/4 cup of sugar and one packet of unflavored Knox gelatin, stir until gelatin completely dissolves. Take off stove and pour mixture into pre-made graham cracker crust.

While mixture is cooling, use whole frozen strawberries to make an easy compote. All that means is stirring one thawed bag of unsweetened strawberries in with 1/4 to 1/2 of sugar over a low flame, then as juice comes off the berries, add 1/4 packet of gelatin, stirring until it disappears. Let cool then, pour over cheese already in crust then place in freezer for 3 to 4 hours.

Next week: Finally, insider advice on moving to Chicago, for you and Lillian (finally)