As Direct TV continues to hog outer space with its abundance of satellites and with cable providers such as Time Warner and Charter offering as much as 1000 channels in its monthly packages, finding an interesting program to watch can sometimes take as much as 11 suspenseful yet laboring minutes. In some cases your remote thumb ceases any previous knowledge of the button arrangement on your remote control, pushing the deed to a sweatshop like 14 minutes.

Thankfully, a large majority of the people that were ridiculed their entire life for being geniuses have now turned that childhood angst into a lifelong career of technologically sticking it to the man. Devices such as TiVo and the corporate friendly copycats like Time Warner’s icontrol and Charter’s OnDemand have finally given viewers a choice as to when they choose to watch a show. As if the new tech wave wasn’t enough, Senator John McCain (R-Arizona) has also introduced legislation that would allow customers to pay only for the channels they wish to subscribe to, instead of forcing to pay for an entire package. This of course means two things: America saves money and The Book Channel’s days are surely numbered.

Recording shows on blank VHS tapes that make the dubbing of the production look as if a fireworks enthusiast had edited it is now a thing of the past, except for your Grandpa who just recently hopped on the beta bandwagon.

Right now premium cable channels seem to be the only entities taking the format seriously as the basic cable channel’s OnDemand choices are simply pathetic. For every episode of “The Sopranos” HBO offers, there are also channels like Comedy Central offering a very exclusive look back at Andrew Dice Clay’s 1987 “One Night With Dice” or A&E presenting its breathtaking biography of “Empty Nest’s” Richard Mulligan.

Thanks to these consumer friendly tech devices, soon all of TV land will have to cater to its audience’s technological options like never before as TV standards such as commercial breaks and primetime TV will eventually phase out. This will put an end to AFLAC’s Gilbert Godfrey voiced Duck and force McDonald’s to finally admit that the “I’m” in “I’m Loving It” was just an intimate diary entry they stole from the estate of Mama Cass. It will also force movie stars like Charlie Sheen to lay off the pipe, as there will no longer be a network time slot primed for a half-ass performance and a fat paycheck.

If the medium continues to progress at its current rate, perhaps in 10 years everything ever shown on TV will be offered OnDemand. This awesome possibility would satisfy every demographic known to man as every show ever would be at the touch of 17 buttons. Perhaps you’re into Full House re-runs and you feel that TBS and Nick-at-Nite just aren’t pulling their weight. Now you could watch an earlier episode where Jesse Katsopolis’ jet-black mullet is threatening to end the 80s by itself, or you could watch a later episode in the series where the Olson twins just started their lifelong passion for that star making disease known as anorexia. Perhaps you are into cheesy re-enactments featured in shows like “Unsolved Mysteries” or “E! True Hollywood Story.” Now you can watch Robert Stack narrate the dramatization of that one murderer from Idaho who neutered his victims’ cats with a brick before maliciously killing them with a shoehorn. The theme song from the BBC’s “Dr. Who” will make a triumphant comeback and soar to number one on the billboard charts, ending the “Night Court” theme song’s seven week reign on top. Prospective police detectives will no longer being required to attend college and obtain a degree as a childhood full of “Cops,” “CSI,” “CSI: New York,” “CSI: Miami,” “CSI: Des Moines,” “Law and Order,” “Law and Order: Special Victims Unit,” “Law and Order: Criminal Intent,” “Law and Order: Trial by Jury,” “Law and Order: Dudes Who Fuck Shit up,” “NYPD Blue,” “NYPD Cyan,” “Hill Street Blues,” “Hill Street Reds” and both Jack Webb and Ed O’Neill’s “Dragnet” will now be sufficient enough training to become a cop.

Now that technology has caught up with the demands of the customer, we the audience will soon no longer be the cash cow suckers to network executives. Our interests and sensibility will determine what the program’s content will be, not some politically correct sponsor and their mission statement of bland good will. Having programs accessible in 11-14 menu bombarded minutes is much more convenient then the current alternatives of VHS recording, February Sweeps, summer re-runs, expensive DVD sets and network syndication. So make full use of Charter Communications overcharging you for your cable and Internet and check your OnDemand features provided to you.

Rick is a junior majoring in Journalism and Radio/TV/Film. He enjoys ridiculing the talent less and promoting the under-exposed. He can be reached at [email protected]