Everyone has either completed, or is in the process of completing, his or her first round of midterms. For those about to graduate, this signals that the end draws ever closer. While that is great for them, they’ve got some loose, carnal ends to tie up before graduation. Specifically, there are lots of great places on campus to enjoy sex that they surely have not tried.
I have been asking around for suggestions regarding places at which one absolutely needs to have sex before they graduate. Some of these suggestions seem more appropriate and doable than others. Nevertheless, I’ll try to detail some of the most common here and hope that I don’t leave out any important ones.
They say you’re supposed to kiss Abe Lincoln’s statue after you graduate for good luck. Just think of the luck you’d be afforded after including him in a threesome. His lap would serve as a great location for a late-night tryst on the hill. That might be a little conspicuous, but if you pick the right time, there shouldn’t be any people walking about Bascom.
If you haven’t done it on the fifty-yard line, you are not ready to graduate. At least that would seem to be the case from the popularity of that response when asking fellow students about the greatest places to do it on campus. You may be skeptical, thinking that no one would actually have sex on the fifty-yard line. However, a friend of mine at Gustavus Adolfus provided some anecdotal evidence of one such occurrence.
“Football field, fifty-yard line,” he responded when I asked for suggestions, adding, “I had a friend here that [expletive deleted] on the fifty-yard line of the football field on a Friday night, and left the spent rubber on the field for us to see during our pre-game warm-up on Saturday.” Our Camp Randall might be a little tougher to get into late at night, but, hey, it’s worth a shot. Maybe it might be easier to just go for it during a game, but good luck paying the fines you’ll likely incur.
Another overwhelmingly popular response that people contributed was the stacks at Memorial Library. I don’t know how best to go about this, but I would advise picking an off floor, bringing some supplies and only whispering during the act. It is a library, after all. Also, don’t pick the moving bookshelf stacks. It would really spoil the mood if one of the weight-sensing devices malfunctioned and you were squished together with your lover. Although there is something slightly romantic and Shakespearian about that kind of death.
Anyway, everyone I asked primarily advocated places that one should go in order to fool around. Contrarily, one person had a strong aversion to a certain location, namely public bathrooms. I’m sure bathroom sex is not restricted to gay men, but according to my friend, “Apparently gay men have been hooking up in bathrooms in humanities, and there is a plaque up that says they will fine people if they catch anyone. That’s just not classy.” And, as classy as that is not, I will say there is one exception to this no-bathroom ordinance: the dorm showers. Sex in flip-flops, anyone?
Yet another of my friends mistook the word place and responded with this: “I think the most important place a person can [expletive deleted] before they graduate is in the butt. Whether you’re putting it in the butt, or getting it put in your butt, whatever your cup of tea, this is the only time you can blame it all on harmless college experimentation.” He’s wise beyond his years on that one.
With so many great places on and around campus, I could write a book on the subject, but I won’t. Instead, I’ll take this time to list the remaining must-screw places I have encountered. They are as follows: the steps or terrace of the MU, the panda exhibit under the bridge outside Gordon Commons, the fountain outside Engineering or in Library Mall, the speaking podium on Library Mall, the balcony at Ag, Picnic Point, the roof of the Regent, the artificial pond behind Birge that has yet to be filled, the chancellor’s office, the 13th floor of Educational Sciences overlooking the entire campus, any nook or cranny around Vilas, my bedroom, the basement of BW3’s, in a sea of colored plastic balls at an off-campus McDonald’s, an empty lecture hall, the middle of the frozen lake, the glass-enclosed steps of the pharmacy building that face parking lot 60, home plate of field #1 of the softball fields adjacent to the NAT, a parking lot on State Street with a “straight” boy (I wouldn’t know anything about that), any of the residence hall study dens, the rapeshore, and, finally, inside the sex-pod/Doppler radar ball thing atop the meteorology building.
Disclaimer: I’m pretty sure most of what I have encouraged here isn’t exactly legal. Just be careful and try not to get caught with your pants down. Additionally, as much as I encourage this kind of behavior, I don’t want to see it. Be discrete. Also, I forgot to mention last week that the attached picture of me is heinous, and Celine Dion is the best singer in the world.
