I read recently that it was impossible not to like Bon Jovi.
That by sticking around for so many years and still being able to
sell albums the band had proven themselves. That everyone had to
admire them. But whoever wrote that was lying.
Bon Jovi’s latest release, This Left Feels Right, makes
you wish Jon and Richie and the rest of the boys had listened more
carefully when Roger Daltry sang about dying before he got too old.
The album is basically a Bon Jovi self-tribute. The band rerecorded
12 of its biggest hits and was somehow able to suck out all of the
energy that made the songs any fun to begin with.
The band lays off on the electrics, instead relying on
stereotypically more “mature” compositions. This means tons of
acoustic guitar, organ and piano.
The first track is the album’s only moment of near redemption,
as “Wanted Dead or Alive” becomes a cut-up version of the original
with jarring electrical bursts, throbbing strings and an almost
techno mixed-down drum track. The vocals get distorted and become
more instrumental than narrative. It is also one of the few places
where Jon Bon Jovi’s voice doesn’t sound like it’s been beaten down
by years of touring.
The first problem with the next track, the new “Livin’ on a
Prayer,” by far Bon Jovi’s best sing-along rock staple, is that
Richie Sambora’s immortal voice-box guitar has been replaced by
harpsichord and cheap sounding xylophone-keyboard. The rest of the
song, thanks to an unneeded cameo by Olivia d’Albo, sounds like a
high school metal-head singing with his girlfriend at open mic
night. It is slowed down so much that it’s impossible to pump it up
and sing along. It also seems like Jon Bon Jovi’s weathered voice
shies away from the chorus’ high notes, dampening the track even
more.
On “Lay Your Hands On Me,” where the band inexplicable tries its
hand at neo-world music, the new softcore-ballad version makes weak
lyrics even more apparent. When Jon Bon Jovi sings lines like,
“I’ve been to school, baby I’ve been the teacher” and “Everything
you want is what I need/Satisfaction guaranteed,” you really can’t
help but laugh. Without the boom of eighties hair-metal flare
behind them, the words sound insanely juvenile for a band of
middle-aged men.
One of the group’s more recent hits, “It’s My Life” gets an
excessive overhaul, transformed into soap opera background music
thanks to cheesy classical guitar and patchy powerchord piano. Most
of these songs just don’t work as wilting, self-reflective ballads
— mainly because that wasn’t what they were originally intended to
be.
The slide guitar romp of “You Give Love A Bad Name” sounds like
the musicians are just goofing around, and Bon Jovi’s cracking
squeal is barely listenable. The same goes for his amped-up
faux-blues howl on “Bad Medicine,” another tragic casualty of Bon
Jovi asserting its ‘maturity.’
The rest of the album (which includes “Bed of Roses,” “Keep The
Faith” and “Always”) continues uneventfully, playing into every
stereotype of bad adult contemporary music. For the band that
supposedly inspired MTV to create “Unplugged,” Bon Jovi’s own
attempt at a stripped down set is way more disappointing than you
would think.
Grade: D
