It seems to have been an inevitability that after witnessing six or seven years worth of vapid and epilepsy-inducing action flicks that professional wrestling guru Vince McMahon would try his hand at the movie biz. After all, what else is the WWF if not a small-screen amalgam of the filmographies of Joel Silver, Jerry Bruckheimer and Michael Bay?
McMahon’s presence as executive producer looms large over “The Scorpion King,” as WWF poster-boy Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson stars in the title role. McMahon doesn’t stray too far from the formula that’s given him so much success, either — cartoonishly exaggerated characters with a platitude for every situation, scantily clad vixens for enjoyment in between matches/action sequences and enough nü-metal to make that shitty grin on Fred Durst’s face stretch even wider.
Surprisingly enough, the real victim here is Johnson, a naturally charismatic performer who has given every indication (namely, his guest spots on “Saturday Night Live”) his talent stretches far beyond that of laying the smack down on various Speedo-sporting brutes. You’d never know that from “The Scorpion King,” though, as his services go largely underutilized in lieu of self-consciously unfunny quips and sloppily assembled set pieces.
Set in a time “long before the pyramids were built,” Johnson stars as Mathayus, one of the last remaining members of a tribe infamous for its savage fighting skills. All at once (and the movie never really bothers to explain why), it is up to Mathayus to stop Memnon (relative unknown Stephen Brand), a sneering master-swordsman with plans to take over the deserts of southern California, er, the ancient world and make its tribes his slaves.
Just who these “tribes” are is a bit of a mystery too; but, in the typically lazy Hollywood fashion, they are simply portrayed as interchangeable, dark-skinned background fillers with omni-ethnic accents that are just as at home here as they would be backing Yul Brynner or in a Charlton Heston epic.
Nonetheless, Mathayus carries out his plan to topple Memnon by kidnapping his sorceress, Cassandra (a clueless Kelly Hu, “The Doors”), without whom he is ostensibly rendered impotent. This is unfortunately not the case, and Mathayus must reluctantly join forces with Nubian chieftain Balthazar (Michael Clarke Duncan, “Planet of the Apes”) in order to slice and dice his way to freedom.
As a mindless piece of popcorn-movie diversion, the “The Scorpion King” works — it’s fast-paced, fun and never too consumed with its own ridiculousness. On any other level, however, it falls flat. The action sequences are slapdash and conspicuously bloodless, and everything else in between is bogged down by cutesy, glib supporting characters and their cumbersome subplots.
The film especially fails as a star-making turn for Johnson, who is never given due respect by the camera both in and out of battle. He would do well to further develop his silver-screen presence, because let’s face it: Despite Vince McMahon’s delusions, professional wrestling (and, consequently, The Rock), will forever be relegated to the wasteland of social semi-acceptability, one that is inhabited by Hüber-swilling, Kid Rock-quoting delinquents and only occasionally visited by the rest of mainstream America.
Leave the machismo and mullets behind, Rock. There are greener pastures beyond the ring.
Grade: C
