A rogue issue of the teenage girl’s stalwart magazine, Seventeen, found its way into our office this week. It was just sitting there on the desk as if planted by some renegade prom committee. I tried to walk away, but I was forced to succumb to my curiosity after seeing the huge boldface headline, “Is that my butt?”

I can’t help but wonder what the teen press is doing nowadays with its current crop of readers. I had to find out how the magazine has changed to cater to *NSYNC’s minions. A quick perusal revealed that the “Is that my butt?” question refers to an article about finding flattering blue jeans. Meanwhile, in true beauty-magazine fashion, the models wearing the featured jeans are so skinny they don’t possess anything even slightly resembling a butt. A more appropriate headline would have been “Is that my tailbone?”

Other hard-hitting Seventeen fare includes a “how to look like Angelina Jolie” tip sheet. In case you’re wondering, the advice is to iron your hair straight and apply brown lip gloss. I’m going to venture a guess that many young girls are finding the results of that procedure a little unsatisfactory.

There’s also lots of talk of prom. The content is really just a giant, 130-page glossy advertisement for beauty products and clothes. Nearly every article contains at least one suggested purchase, and Seventeen has kindly listed all the stores and locations in the back pages of the issue.

So basically nothing has changed. However, the upper left corner of the cover now contains the moniker, “The All-American Magazine.” I appreciate the patriotism, but the declaration is somewhat insulting given the insipid and superficial things this magazine celebrates.

I continued my research into the world of teen media by picking up a copy of Elle Girl. Pop rocker Gwen Stefani is featured on this, their second issue. Elle Girl is truly just Elle’s little sister. In other words, it’s a clothes catalogue in smaller sizes. How to dress like Shakira, 215 prom essentials, and fun spring fashion are some sample topics. However, Elle Girl does get tongue-in-cheek points for including a spread where actual Barbie dolls model prom hairstyles. Most of their models look like characters from “Cabaret,” and the clothes suggestions are more appropriate for the corner than for high school.

Meanwhile, Cosmo Girl is obviously the evil twin in the teen magazine family. It follows firmly in the “women are objects solely existing to please men” ideology of its big sister Cosmopolitan.

Their issue includes a free “hot guy pullout poster,” a feature on “the games guys play and how to win,” and a “guide to scary STDs.” (Aren’t they all scary?) This magazine not only addresses sex but sells it as well.

The queen of all teenage media in regard to boy coverage has to be Teen Magazine. The world experienced a great tragedy last week when they announced they were folding. They experienced a 23 percent drop in subscription rates in late 2001, so the May issue will be the last. Obviously, the market is oversaturated. I suspect that the nearly identical content of the various magazines contributes to the problem.
So after all my exhaustive research, I can say I learned the following pertinent information:
Gwen Stefani is totally the it girl of the moment! She’s got a completely adorable style that’s way cool. Plus, don’t bust her on this, but she’s going to marry total hottie Gavin. Some girls aren’t so lucky. If you’re seriously crushin’ on that dreamy boy in your chem class, you could score major points with him by wearing these bitchin’ hip huggers from Delia’s and this totally tres cool baby tee from Guess (see stores page 125). Try combing your hair straight with Redkin products and applying brown lip gloss from Loreal (see stores page 126). You’ll look just like Angelina Jolie and he’ll turn seriously mammalian on you. When you’re rocking this hip style, ask him out for a study date — no way he’ll say no! But when you and your hottie get together, avoid the brain pain and go straight for the lip locking! Be sure to wear sparkly lip gloss in strawberry from Maybelline (stores, page 126). He’ll want to keep “studying” with you all year cuz’ you’re so stylin’.