It is time for someone to pick up the scythe and play Grim Reaper to network television. The following are a few examples of shows that need to be put out of their misery (and our memory).
1. “The X-Files” (FOX Television)
Series creator Chris Carter announced recently that the show’s ninth season finale will also be the series finale. However, we all know about negotiation semantics and how these bold statements can simply be a ploy to get more money for next season. The show should have died naturally two seasons ago with the departure of principal lead David Duchovny. But no, it has gasped and crawled its way to a pathetic parody of itself. It must not be allowed to continue under any circumstances.
Robert Patrick (the T100 from “Terminator 2”) took over for Duchovny to become Dana Scully’s (Gillian Anderson) sidekick. His richly expressive acting style falls somewhere between statue and brick wall. Meanwhile, let’s check in with Duchovny. He left his role as Mulder, a conspiracy theorist entangled in the government, to explore other acting challenges. He’s really branched out by playing hard-hitting, differentiated parts like a conspiracy theorist entangled in the government in both “Zoolander” and “Evolution.” So, after all those brilliant reinventions, Duchovny is slinking back to “The X-Files” to finish off the series. Oh, the excitement.
2. “The Chamber” (FOX Television)
Last year was a period of game show fever. With “Who Wants to be a Millionaire” and “The Weakest Link” garnering sizable ratings, all the networks were eager to jump on the quiz bandwagon. Leave it to FOX to come up with the most sensational, mildly torturous offering. “The Chamber” puts desperate contestants in a metal chair and blasts them with ice and fire while Rick Schwartz asks them questions. A little heart-rate meter in the corner informs viewers at home of the body trauma the idiot in the chair is enduring. Here’s some sample dialogue:
Schwartz: Who was the 40th president of the United States?
Contestant: AHHHHH! My legs are burning!
Schwartz: I’m sorry, the answer is Ronald Reagan.
Contestant: ARRGGH, my flesh . . . Tell my children I love them.
The most unsettling element is the trials people will endure for money. This show regularly shakes my faith in humanity as an intelligent species.
3. “America’s Funniest Home Videos” (ABC)
Remember when this first started? Bob Saget cracked wise about people getting hurt and provided pithy witticisms in the form of animal voiceovers. There was a live studio audience, but the show still needed to use a laugh track to fill up the completely dead air in-between Bob’s wince-worthy jokes. Now the fun continues as host Tom Bergeron blithely comments over home footage of people falling down and cracking their heads open.
Without the commentary and the laugh track, this footage would be unpleasant or stupid at best. With those elements added, “America’s Funniest” is just gratingly annoying.
4. “Survivor” (CBS)
“Survivor,” “Survivor: Outback,” “Survivor: Africa”: three manipulative, backstabbing seasons. A group of whiny, vindictive people are dumped in the middle of nowhere and forced to socialize for money. Each season, CBS and host Jeff Probst come up with new and exciting ways to “test” the endurance of the tribal members. The show has morphed from a clever concept into a bizarre hybrid of “Fear Factor” and “Real World.”
Excessive marketing and typecast contestants designed to spar prove that “Survivor” no longer strives for realism, only for ratings. Tribal council needs to vote itself off the air.
