Award shows have been few and far between as of late. With the Emmys being bumped more often than a backless-shirt girl at Mondays and the Academy holding its breath, the public is starved for some good old-fashioned tears and thanks.
On the flip side are the numerous charity concerts, with everyone from Elvis to Jagger lending a helping vocal. You mix this with the unusual amount of musicians turned actors (Snoop, the boys from ‘Nsync, Mariah [although either title is debatable with her]), and it just screaming mock awards. So without further ado, The Herald presents the Groscars, a hybrid of the music industry’s Grammy’s and Hollywood’s Oscar.
Powerhouse: Madonna
For two years Madonna honed her singing talent, only to discover in 1985 with “Desperately Seeking Susan” that she has enough skill to semi-dominate the silver screen as well. Sure, she’s had duds on both, but she has had tremendous success too, even earning a Golden Globe nomination. Reinventing herself both musically and cinematically has paid off, leaving us to hope for her next best thing.
Should make the switch: Ewan McGregor
McGregor increased the audio, not to mention visual, quality of last spring’s “Moulin Rouge” tenfold. His medley of love songs and his own spin on Elton John’s “Your Song” could easily find its place on pop radio, where it would undoubtedly be played to death and we would all get sick of him. On second thought ?.
Should never, ever, ever even have thought about making the switch: Mariah Carey
Whether she should have ventured into singing in the first place is up for discussion, but her foray into cinema is inexcusable. Not only did the limited release of “Glitter” send her and several movie critics to the hospital, sales of her accompanying album were unimpressive. This leaves us all to hope she cuts back on one to concentrate on the other … and then cuts that one as well.
Gleaming the cube: Ice Cube
Able to handle comedy, drama, and eight-foot-long snakes, Ice Cube first surfaced in “Boyz N the Hood” but went on to make us laugh in “Friday” and kicked some ass in “Three Kings.” In the meantime, he holds a steady hip-hop career both behind the mic and mixing board, making any day of work for him, a very good day.
Why?: Jennifer Love Hewitt
As if her perkiness wasn’t nauseating enough on the small screen in “Party of Five,” she moved to the silver one in the “I Know What You Did Last Summer” romps. These could have been tolerable had she not released an album (“Let’s Go Bang?”) and single. Yes indeed, Love, how do we deal?with that?
Why not?: Harry Connick Jr.
His southern charm translates well both on screen and in the sound booth. Never challenged enough in any role to break a sweat from his smooth completion, the singer has stolen scenes from the likes of Will Smith and Sandra Bullock — again, not that difficult, but he is entertaining.
Stars in a 2-hour ad for their album: Whitney Houston
Every musician/actor is bound to appear on a film’s soundtrack, and Houston has been subtle with her last attempts, “The Preacher’s Wife” and shoop shoop-ing through “Waiting to Exhale,” which almost had it all. But for her acting debut, Houston is guilty of resting an entire motion picture, “The Bodyguard,” based on her songs, which was probably a smart maneuver. What was it suppose to rest on? Kevin Costner?
Oh, that’s right: Meat Loaf
Every time you see this guy in a film, you forget he is a singer. Not because he’s that good, but because you just forget. From driving Steve Martin’s bus in “Leap of Faith,” to cradling Ed Norton next to his bitch tits in “Fight Club,” the Loaf makes us completely forget which direction from hell he is going (although he did act and sing in “The Rocky Horror Picture Show”) Well, two outta three ain’t bad.
Quit your day job ? and your night job:Keanu Reeves
His performances in flicks like “The Replacements,” “Sweet November” and most recently “Hardball” make us appreciate the flukes that were “Speed” and “The Matrix.” Coupled with his fiasco as a musician with his band “Dogstar,” Reeves is just begging for a new line of work. With any luck, he will find one far, far away from any camera or microphone.
