Ripe, juicy cucumbers … firm bananas … a fat Wisconsin brat … no, no, no, no!! This article is not about fornicating with food folks, but rather the act of fornication and the possible involvement of food.
I am not here to advocate the utilization of a sausage as a sex toy, but rather to explore the added pleasure different food products may add to your sex life. I have not personally tried all of these methods, but I have gathered the list of possibilities from friends over the years. It seems like if you can buy it at your local grocery store, then someone is bound to have tried it in the bedroom.
The most obvious way to pair groceries and getting some is the enormously popular “whip-cream bikini” (or speedo). This tacky yet tasty treat was brought to the mainstream about five years ago with the release of the high school football saga “Varsity Blues.”
Although many of you may have forgotten this tale of jocks and the girls who love them, it is hard to imagine that most men may have forgotten the image of Ali Larter in nothing but Reddi Whip. This charming twist in the plot may seem coarse and a little crude, but the fact is, sometimes food can be a “sweet” way to liven up the routine bedroom activities.
Although the idea of spreading whip cream all over your body so that your partner can lick it off may sound ravishing, there are actually many downsides. First of all, the whip cream may feel nice going on, but even a thorough licking is not going to get it all off. You’ll be left with a sticky mess all over the place, and who feels sexy when they have carpet fibers clinging to every inch of their body?
Not to mention, have you ever actually tried to eat that much whip cream at once? It’s not normal. High amounts of such a rich dairy product often leave the active partner feeling extremely ill, which is no way to get someone in the mood.
If you are looking for a scrumptious alternative, I would recommend feeding your lover chocolate-covered strawberries rather than smothering yourself in Cool Whip. Sometimes there really is such a thing as “too much of a good thing.”
While we’re on the topic of sweets, another sticky alternative is chocolate sauce — or caramel, strawberry, butterscotch, whatever your preference. This supposed aphrodisiac is fairly tasty in high amounts, but the old problem remains that you are going to be left with a lot of remains.
Although flavored sauce is easier to control and use sparingly, the fact of the matter is you’ll be “hard pressed” to find plastic sheets. And seeing as how that’s the only way you can do this without ruining your fine linens, the idea of flavored sauce is still not as appealing as regular, good, clean fun in the sack. But if you are looking for a decadent display of your affections, at least chocolate sauce is less likely to induce vomiting than an overabundance of whip cream.
For the couple whose tastes tend toward the more healthy variety, there is always the option of fruit. You and your mate might want to whet your sexual appetites by feeding each other morsels of luscious, succulent fruit like peaches, watermelon or mangoes.
The ripe, juicy look and feel of such fruits is sure to inspire many fun comparisons, as well as providing some of the day’s three to five essential fruit servings. With fruit there is less of a mess, but still the same results, so why not take the doctor’s advice and try an apple a day?
The final frontier of food and foreplay is the always-classy edible underwear. While this option might not have the same flavor and zest of real food, who can resist the allure of tiny undergarments you can eat, straining to hold in the body’s most private parts? Although most people might think, “Yeah right, who the hell wants to eat that crap?” you might be surprised when you actually don the darling ensemble. I have to say though, from what I’ve heard, these things are usually too flimsy to withhold any sort of movement or activity, and that is if you can even get them on in the first place.
Even scarier is the fact that sometimes when you are getting hot and heavy, the cheap fruit-roll-up-like substance can adhere itself to your “other head of hair.” This horrifying result is reason alone to avoid any sort of clothing you can eat, if the foul taste or porn-star image doesn’t already scare you.
In general, food and sex aren’t the best of combos, as is evidenced by the now-defunct sitcom “Seinfeld.” Remember when George tried to have his cake and eat it too by leaving a sandwich in the bedside table to nibble on during sex? Yikes.
So if you want to avoid looking like a moron during sex or just don’t want to deal with the mess, I would steer clear of pairing edibles and ecstasy, but never go to the job without a suit.
Done it anywhere “naughty” on campus that you shouldn’t have? Please email [email protected] and let me know. No names have to be included, this is purely for entertainment purposes.
