Hey Hump Day readers! So many questions, so little time. Let’s pound through to the good stuff.
How exactly are two people supposed to use toys together? What are you supposed to do with them?
Fabulous question. When we talk about sex toys our minds tend to go directly to self-pleasing, which is usually thought of as something that’s supposed to be done alone, in the dark, in a corner, in shame. There’s a lot of rhetoric around masturbation being an act of singlehood or immaturity, like, “only people who can’t get any ass jerk it” or “you shouldn’t need that vibrator when you have me.” These ideas mirror the fallacy that sex toys are meant as replacements or substitutes for partners.
While they certainly can be used this way, I can tell you — as a person with an entire nightstand storage dedicated to sex toys, and who also happens to get laid — that toys are much more. Toys can be thought of as tools or enhancements, much like a good blowjob tip or a nifty piece of furniture.
There are some toys that are specifically designed for two in mind. From wearable and remote-controlled vibrators, to double-ended dildos, full-on under-the-bed restraint systems and intercourse enhancers like the We-Vibe couples series. Speaking of the We-Vibe, anyone want to get me an early Christmas present? Just kidding. Not really.
But you could even just take your basic vibrator or pocket pussy into a twosome situation. What do you do with that suction cup dildo on your own? Does the thought of having someone watch you do it turn you on? Try sticking that dildo to the bedframe and back up on to it while you give your lover the stare down. Or even better, see if you can concentrate on fucking yourself with it while you suck them off.
Used to using a jerk-off sleeve before you snooze off? Hand the equipment over to your partner and have them alternate between pumping it up and down for you and switching out for one of their own sex holes.
Nipple clamps are a cheap, cute way to start small. Have your boo slowly squeeze them on to you and then give them a little tug when they want you to come hither.
Or, simply offer up your go-to vibe and have your partner take over the handiwork. Lie on your back with your legs open, relaxed. With your partner lying on their side next to you, facing your body, have them start with wide circles on the vibrator’s lowest setting around your goody bits and work their way in, upping the intensity every few minutes. Really take your time here. They’ll get a blast out of watching you in ecstasy.
Why am I seeing so many pictures of dicks and balls shaped like hotdogs and beer bottles and cactuses around campus?
You mean these? It’s part of the Bedsider campaign at the University of Wisconsin, which is an online birth control resource designed for young, college-aged people by The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy. It’s seriously the best tool I’ve ever seen for figuring out what birth control method is right for your preferences, lifestyle and relationship other than speaking with a good doctor. Their methods matrix comparison will let you look at all your options side-by-side to evaluate beyond just effectiveness and side effects, including “do me now” potential, “party-readiness” and how “mistake proof” something is. Bedsider’s number one tip for hot, hetero sex? “Get on birth control.”
How does one cure premature ejaculation? I want to last longer in bed.
Define premature. Seriously, some professionals define it by the magic 15-second threshold of timing. Some define it by whether the ejaculator comes before the other person more often than not. Others base their diagnosis purely on the satisfaction of the other partner, and others calculate by a determined number of thrusts before finishing.
I hope you gather from this that premature ejaculation, the diagnosis, is kind of bullshit. I had a dude come into the office one time reporting premature ejaculation only to discover that his girlfriend was complaining he was “only” lasting 15 minutes in bed when he usually could go for hours. Uh, okay, it’s time to re-evaluate expectations. As a reference, “lasting” anywhere between four to eight minutes during penetration is considered average.
If you and your partner do decide it’s really important to “last longer,” there are a few tools and techniques you could try. Some drugs like SSRIs have been prescribed for premature ejaculation. Sex educators may suggest a thicker condom to dull sensation, but that doesn’t really sound like too much fun to me. Cock extenders can be slipped over a penis after it has already ejaculated to keep going for round two. Some people with penises swear by the “squeeze method” where you squeeze firmly right where your dick head meets the shaft when you feel like you’re about to explode. Sex therapists teach the “stop and start technique,” which is exactly what it sounds like. Lovers alternate between upshifting and downshifting: slob on that knob for a few moments and then switch to some loving eye contact with deep breathing. Stroke their cock for a bit and then stroke their shoulders. The intent is to prolong the experience and think outside of the pee-in-vajay box.
