TONY:

Two thick and juicy boneless white meat chicken filets, two pieces of bacon, two melted slices of Monterey Jack and Pepper Jack cheese and Colonel’s sauce. This is what I allowed to enter my mouth yesterday a little after 6 p.m. while sitting in a well-lit booth at the local KFC with three of my contemporaries. In case you’ve never heard of this “sandwich,” it goes by Double Down — Mr. Double Down to those who can’t handle its awesomeness.

The Double Down sandwich has no bun. KFC claims the product is so meaty, there’s no room for a bun. I say, mo’ bun, mo’ problems. What is a bun, really, but a couple of generally bland pieces of bread designed to hold the other contents inside? KFC, the cutting edge institution they are, realized this and chose to remove the superfluous tasteless buns and just use the two hearty filets of meat — I mean they’re already there anyway. I’m no sandwich scientist, but this seems like groundbreaking stuff here. But what about the chicken grease you say? Have no fear you silly Sallies, KFC provides a top-of-the-line grease-preventing paper holder for your comfort.

I don’t think I need to go that much into taste here, because I mean, come on. Chicken…good. Bacon…good. Melted cheese…good. Colonel’s sauce…I don’t know what the hell is in it but trust me, it’s good. Throw the four together and you’ve entered food nirvana — not food heaven, though, because that’s reserved for Taco Heaven, the fine dining establishment on Johnson and home of the Dank Jr.

So you’re one of those health conscious people, eh? Well, at a reasonable 540 calories, the Double Down actually happens to have a lower calorie count than both McDonald’s Premium Crispy Chicken Club Sandwich and Burger King’s TenderCrisp chicken sandwich. Not good enough? Get the Grilled Double Down — it’s only a meager 460 calories. Sure, a Double Down has almost a day’s worth of sodium at 1,380 mg and 32 g of fat, but, hey, good taste comes at a price, so get over it.

To be honest, I don’t understand how anybody could hate the Double Down. I’d surely threaten them if they did. But I’ve got to go take a nap now. It’s tough to stay awake with so much awesomeness in you.

CAILLEY:

Tony, can you just stop? Please? See? I’m asking nicely. There’s honestly NO need to try to ironically threaten me with a banjo since you know I hate country music more than I hate…well, country music.

(LOUD TWANG)

OW! C’mon, do I really have to do this? I’d rather write a PCP about country music than write about the Double Down.

(BAM)

DAMMIT, Tony! Me agreeing with you defeats the fundamental purpose of this column, and as your boss, I —

(THWAP)

STOP IT! I guess I have to do it; Tony, you’re fired.

(DOUBLE BAM)

Okay, you’ve proved there’s no reasoning with you. Watch me type this, okay?

Ladies and gentlemen of the fine city of Madison — and the world if you’re reading this online, but I honestly know no one reads this, and I’m just trying to take up space so I don’t have to actually say that…

(BAM)

…. the Double Down is by far the finest piece of fast food the world has ever seen. No, the finest delicacy ever. I mean, really. It’s aesthetically stunning and it draws a tear from the eye of the hardened man and the Midwestern mother of six alike.

Yeah, I don’t know why I said that either. Please don’t hit me. Oh wait, you’re leaving? But Adam Holt will be watching me? Fine.

(A few minutes, unconscious Adam Holt and five now-empty cans of Genny Light later…)

Psssst! Tony is trying to get me to argue that KFC’s Double Down is delicious, and I just can’t physically bring myself to do it without imagining that I’m eating an entire chicken. C’mon, the man is hitting me with a banjo and playing that riff from “Deliverance”! But seriously, the Double Down is 540 calories and has 1380 mg of sodium! You might as well inject fat (and salt) straight into you own heart for crying out loud. And you can’t call anything a sandwich just because there’s something in-between two layers of something else. That’s just ridiculous.

Oh… hey Tony, just finishing up the PCP for the week.

….and that’s why I love the Double Down.