CAILLEY:

Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve come across another landmark moment in history. The latest shot heard ’round the world: “Zoolander 2” is a go.

To people like Tony and myself, who have to come up with something to write about every week, it is a big deal. For real.

Of course, we don’t know much about the movie so far. Jonah Hill is rumored to be the latest villain, and that’s another debate in itself (I think it’s about time we see Hill as a total jackass, whereas Tony just doesn’t want to see more of him). Ben Stiller will be working on a script with “Tropic Thunder” screenwriter Justin Theroux (who will be, apparently, at Paris Fashion Week in an attempt to let the world of fashion sink in without losing it).

But because we at PCP headquarters must debate the most trivial tidbit of pop culture, here it is: What will be Derek Zoolander’s latest “look”?

There’s nothing Tony can possibly do to top what I have: Cobalt Chromium.

The process for selecting this name basically involved going to the Wikipedia page for “metal,” and doing so only because I knew I was looking for a name that was somewhat metallic and would sound superior to “steel,” even if it technically wasn’t.

So I looked through the options: zinc, nickel, copper… but nothing really stood out until I hit chromium. And it was love at first sight.

That love would have been stronger than a covalent bond, had I not gone to the Wikipedia page for chromium, where I came across its listed appearance as”silvery metallic.”

It’s only natural to envision a turtleneck-clad Derek Zoolander pursing his lips and saying “silvery metallic,” followed by a slow motion hair flip.

Aside from the obvious redundancy that is “silvery metallic,” chromium is described as “tasteless and malleable.” I think it’s safe to say that the guy who pretended to be a mermaid in a commercial has little taste. And malleable? All I need to say is this: “The files are in the computer?”

Cobalt Chromium simply blows away the “Blue Steel” of the past. It’s that easy. And for those of you who actually read to the end of this, I promise we’ll debate something better next week.

TONY:

In a world where kids can now read good and learned to do other stuff good too, one man has lost his way…

At this point, the trailer for “Zoolander 2” would show an extremely overweight Derek Zoolander sitting on a couch, watching TV and stuffing his face with food — this scene would look like the one with Ben Stiller as White Goodman at the end of “Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story.” Derek has lost his wife, custody of his son, Derek Jr., and has discovered there’s a lot more to life than being really, really, ridiculously good looking — and it’s being a fat, lazy slob.

Meanwhile, Derek Jr. has followed in the fashionable footsteps of his washed-up father, signing a contract with the hottest up-and-coming designer, Johannes Mugatu (played by Jonah Hill, but only because he’s currently tagged as the film’s villain). Unfortunately, Johannes, the bastard son of Jacobim Mugatu and Katinka Ingabogovinanana from the first film, signs Derek Jr. only as a way to get back at Derek Sr. for ruining Jacobim’s plan. As a result, Johannes makes Derek Jr.’s life a living hell, determined to sully the good Zoolander name.

Unaware of this terrible situation, fat Derek attends the funeral of his agent, Maury Ballstein, where he gives a touching “eugoogooly” and sees his ex-wife who informs him of Derek Jr.’s tragic situation. Although he originally shrugs off his son’s dilemma, a rousing motivational speech from Hansel convinces Derek to get back in model shape and help his son. This starts a melodic montage of Hansel retraining Derek — akin to Apollo helping Rocky in “Rocky III.”

One uplifting song later, Derek is back to his former self and Hansel sets up an ultimate caged walk-off between Derek and Johannes’ prize model and Hansel’s brother, Gretel (played by Luke Wilson, mainly because the guy really needs a job). If Derek wins, it will terminate his son’s damned contract.

In the end, Derek defeats Gretel by rising back from the ashes to eternal model glory with his amazing new look, Phoenix. As a result, Derek gets his wife and son back and retires to start his own agency.