Tony:

In lieu of Valentine’s Day, the not-so-creative minds at “Now That’s What I Call Music!” released their latest compilation album two weeks ago, “Now That’s What I Call Love.” Now, I’m not even sure how in today’s climate of iTunes and illegal downloads this franchise is still afloat — this March, it will reach No. 33 in the United States and an astounding No. 75 in the United Kingdom, and that’s not even including the numerous spin-offs — but apparently people still love paying money for edited version’s of today’s “hits.”

What I do know, though, is that “Now!” doesn’t quite understand the meaning of love. Their latest album includes 20 popular “ballads,” featuring songs like “Apologize” by OneRepublic, “Bleeding Love” by Leona Lewis and “No Air” by Chris Brown and Jordin Sparks. That’s not what I call love. That’s what I call cheating and heartbreak — and it’s far too soon for anything with Brown to be associated with love.

But these aren’t even the worst examples. That title goes to “Lips of an Angel” by Hinder.

First off, I wouldn’t call this song a ballad, per se. I would call it a semi-catchy, wannabe rock song by a band that sounds like and sucks as much as Nickelback — who unsurprisingly is also on this album. Basically, you know Hinder wanted to give off an emotional vibe here, but in reality they just sound like a bunch of phonies.

Then there’s the lyrics. This song is about a guy who, while he’s with his girl, gets a call from his ex-girlfriend who’s also currently seeing somebody, and says he wishes he were with her instead and that it’s hard to be faithful to his current girl. That just sounds like a total douchebag who isn’t getting any from the girl he’s currently with so he’s going to sweet talk this other girl into a booty call.

Now that’s what I call infatuation and either adultery or cheating, depending on the actual relationship status of these two individuals. It certainly isn’t love. Maybe love bites? So while “Now!” did get it right at times — Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” and Lonestar’s “Amazed” are on the album — they may actually want to consider the meaning of love before “Love 2” comes out and not include songs like “Lips of an Angel.” Or Hinder for that matter. They suck.

Cailley:

Alright, Tony, I know “Lips of an Angel” is bad with the whole cheating thing, but I’ve got something that’ll definitely top it.

I’ll cut straight to the point. Although Now That’s What I Call Love features several amazing crowd-pleasers like Nickelback’s “Far Away” — and that’s sarcasm, people, as I strongly encourage everyone far and wide to become a fan of “Let’s see if this pickle can get more fans than Nickelback” on Facebook — and Hoobastank’s “The Reason,” there’s one song that sticks not just like a sore thumb, but like a totally screwed up “you should really have a doctor look at that” kind of thumb: “No Air.”

First of all, for being on an album devoted to love, it’s quite a depressing little number. As depicted in the music video, the song is about Jordin Sparks and her love interest, Chris Brown (oh, we’ll get to that bit later), who have seemingly broken up but nevertheless have a connection that, without the other, feels like breathing “with no air.”

And that’s the second thing that gets to me. This is the song that so daringly poses the question “How am I supposed to breathe with no air?”

Uh, I thought you couldn’t “breathe with no air,” let alone sing with no air. Maybe that’s just me.

And then there’s the big elephant in the room: Chris Brown.

Let’s get this straight: The guys at NOW headquarters decide to make an album with the best love songs in recent history, and they not only go ahead and add songs that are entirely contradictory to that sentiment (in both content and general taste level), but they throw the woman-beater in there too?

Either the guys behind this operation were hitting their head against a wall to think of something or Chris Brown was doing it for them. Point is, men who beat up women like Rihanna don’t deserve to breathe any air whatsoever, let alone have their song featured on a romantic album. The end.

And on that note, have a happy Valentine’s Day, everyone! And if you want to be my valentine, let me know.