CAILLEY:

Of all of the things in the entire world we could have talked about — the Grammy’s, Academy Award nominations, or J.D. Salinger again — we had to choose this: Spiderman. I don’t know if it’s just Tony’s inner 5-year-old coming out as it tends to do (seriously, if you’ve heard him talk about his passion for Buzz Lightyear, you would know what I mean), but this is what we’re left with.

But with word of the totally revamped “Spider-Man” (aka Spiderman 2.0), we’re left wondering a) why the hell they’re redoing the entire series and b) who could fill Tobey Maguire’s awkward, glassy-eyed shoes?

My suggestion? Jake Gyllenhaal. Since he looks so much like Tobey Maguire — they did play brothers in the recently released, aptly titled movie “Brothers” — it’d be pretty easy to just swap them out with no one complaining (if they even notice) too much.

Hell, if Jake Gyllenhaal isn’t available, get his sister, Maggie. They kind of look alike, too, right?

And hey, remember when we all heard Maguire would be Spiderman and the world let out a collective “What the fuck?!” With Jake Gyllenhaal, we’d get a replacement for Maguire, but the swap-out would be a definite upgrade. Who would you rather have saving you when Doc Ock throws you off a building with one of his mechanical arms: small, semi-muscular Tobey Maguire, or the taller, more masculine and generally hunkier Jake Gyllenhaal?

It’s pretty much the same as Peter Griffin differentiating between a garbage bag and a condom: “Hefty, hefty, hefty, wimpy, wimpy, wimpy!” Just no contest.

Although redoing the entire Spiderman series that has accrued hundreds of millions of dollars already seems like career suicide for the head honchos in Hollywood, maybe getting the right leading man would somewhat lessen the pain of a Sam Raimi-less franchise. Maybe.

But really, when it comes down to it, I don’t care that much about Spiderman. I’m more of a DC Comics girl myself. Seriously, Tony, we’re doing a Batman PCP next week.

TONY:

I’m going to go a little out of the box with my pick. I figure since Sony Pictures is rebooting the “Spiderman” film franchise, why not go with an unknown and turn him into a star. Therefore, I think the right man for the job is our fearless Deputy Design Director, Eric Wiegmann.

Since it’s unlikely that any of our five Friday readers know who Eric is, let me offer up a characterization for you. He is a boyishly handsome young man with dark hair and a lanky frame who is majoring in mechanical engineering. If that alone doesn’t scream Peter Parker, let me go into some detail.

Although Eric is a sophomore in college, he has the kind of youthful glow that would mesh perfectly with Sony’s plans to bring Spidey back to high school. He can also frequently be seen wearing jeans, a t-shirt, a zip-up hoodie and a pencil behind the ear — the typical all-American teenager look you would see on New York’s favorite superhero. In addition, like Parker, Eric has no body fat and will fill out nicely in that tight suit once the radioactive spider bites him, giving the kid some muscle mass.

As an engineering major, Eric also has the science smarts necessary to play the role. At the same time, he has the nerdy sex appeal to be a Hollywood icon and keep the girls swooning.

Need more? Eric and Peter both spend their time working for a newspaper. And while Eric isn’t a photographer with the Herald, as a design director, he does spend a lot of time using Photoshop. Therefore, he’s like the modern age Parker, which is the just the kind of thing Sony would want for their reboot.

So while Jake Gyllenhaal may have the star power and looks of Tobey Maguire, Cailley, he just doesn’t have the Peter Parker aura. Eric, on the other hand, is Peter Parker. He has the looks, the smarts, the lifestyle and, let’s face it, the kid was fucking born to be a star. So come on Sony, let’s give the pride of Lyons Township High a shot and see just how high he can take our web-slinging hero.