SEX
OUT: Ball Gags
Of course, when it comes to sex, we had to go to our resident sexperts – Nicolette, Nikki and Rachel of Hump Day. And though they had a pretty hard time coming up with just one “in” and “out” for 2010 (you could say there’s plenty of better decisions to be made in the world of sex), they did have this to say: Ball gags are out. Flu masks are in.
And if you think about it, it’s easy to see why. Given the nature of the ball gag (the ball goes in your mouth, duh), it’s a little unsanitary for the bedroom — unless you take good care of your toys and clean them, as you should. But not everybody is as careful as they ought to be.
And in a time when we’re all worried about merely surviving the flu epidemic, using a ball gag simply isn’t good to keep us germ and virus free, as our mothers would want us to think. (But we at The Badger Herald caution against telling your mother you own and use a ball gag. It just sounds like a bad decision to us. We’re just trying to help you out.) So why worry about germs when you can be actively protecting yourself from the flu?
IN: Flu Masks
Yeah, the flu mask will cover your mouth and protect you up to 80 percent better from respiratory viruses. That’s great to know in a time when we’re all worried about touching door handles, sitting in close proximity to others and generally interacting with other people. And given that sex is nothing but full-blown contact and body parts flying everywhere (although if body parts are literally flying places, we at The Badger Herald think you have bigger problems), you have to be safe. Wrap it up down there, and wrap up your mouth with a flu mask.
But who says playing it safe can’t also be a turn-on? Imagine you’re a sexy nurse or doctor tending to a patient. Do with your hands everything you can’t do with your mouth. And think about it: That mask acting as a barrier between your partner and your mouth will just leave them begging for more.
And you thought the flu season was no fun at all. For shame.
MOVIES
Out: “Twilight” fans
Words cannot describe how much we ArtsEtc. editors can’t stand “Twilight.” But it’s not so much the books or the movies (though they’re both bad) that we take issue with — it’s the batshit crazy fans. Those who do nothing all day but lust after a piece of fiction who has to physically restrain himself from ripping your neck wide open, or the other guy who spends his days running in the woods shirtless with his friends in the pouring rain. Each and every day. (We ArtsEtc. editors prefer real men. Tony included. That’s a free better decision right there.)
But the fandom has gotten out of control. When you can buy fan-made underwear with Edward’s mouth sewn into the crotch, we have gone way, way too far.
All we can hope for is that with this “New Moon” business finally beginning to subside, we can finally give credit where credit is due, and go all out crazy for Harry Potter.
Think of it this way: For all of us who lost faith in humanity after finding out vampires are apparently sparkly, we once again have something to live for.
In: “Harry Potter” fans
Now this is what we should be freaking out about: “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1” is slated to be released in November 2010. A little ways off, yes, but does it make life worth living for after the near apocalyptic fanaticism of “New Moon”? Oh hell yes.
And also to sweeten the deal, an early teaser trailer has been leaked online, as well as a sneak peek at the film with interviews from some of the crew, including director David Yates. And how does it look? Totally and utterly badass.
2010 is the year of Harry Potter. No doubt about it. And we all know when November rolls around again, we’ll all be excited, but we know when to say when. It’s the thin, but definitive line of between fandom and psychosis. In other words, just after the dressing up for the premiere, and right before “Oh my God, Harry Potter has been sewn into the crotch of this pair of underwear, and I must own it.” We ArtsEtc. editors find that to be a bad decision both fiscally and mentally.
But in all seriousness, fuck this “Team Edward” and “Team Jacob” shit. We’re part of “Team Cedric Diggory” all the way.
FASHION
Out: Leggings
Come on, don’t tell us you didn’t see that coming. We at The Badger Herald have been on a nearly collective tirade (though a few legging-clad fans have infiltrated the staff) against leggings since their inception in hell a few years back. (In hell, they keep them right next to ponchos.)
Leggings should return to their rightful place in hell because first of all, they do nothing to keep you warm in the near-arctic Wisconsin winters. As mentioned in our sex decision, we at The Badger Herald think it’s always a good decision to listen to your mother, who would think you were crazy to go outside in “tights” and would insist you layer them under two pairs of denim and snow pants before allowing you to go to class.
And leggings leave nothing to the imagination, little missy. Because they’re not Spanx, they don’t really keep things in place, and then the whole wide world sees your butt jiggle because your sweatshirt doesn’t quite cover everything.
This is not a Coastie vs. Sconnie issue. This is a pandemic, people, and we’re willing to negotiate. We’ll let you keep the Uggs if you drop the leggings. For the love of God, think of the children!
In: Anything else
The non-existence of leggings. Enough said.
TELEVISION
Out: NBC Primetime
Back in its heyday, NBC was the self-proclaimed “Must See TV,” but nowadays it really should be avoided at all costs — and viewers are paying heed. Not only did the maligned network lose the last of its remaining glory day stalwarts with “ER” at the end of last season, but also former greats like “Heroes” and “The Office” are on an ever-quickening death march as quality material continues to wane. How did execs respond? They completely nixed a coveted 10 o’clock spot by filling every day of the week with Jay Leno and brought in two new medical dramas. Sure, they may be saving money with Leno, but the ratings are below middling and neither “Trauma” nor “Mercy” has shown promise. The only bright spots for NBC right now are “Community” and the award-winning “30 Rock,” but even these two comedies are getting most of their loving from critics, not viewers. In the end, it seems only fitting that one of NBC’s most popular shows this season is “The Biggest Loser.”
In: CBS Primetime
An eye hasn’t had this much power since the Eye of Sauron in “Lord of the Rings.” Taking full advantage of the downfall of NBC, CBS certainly has its eye on the prize as it currently leads all networks in overall viewership. But this should come as no surprise to anyone has looked at the network’s current weekly lineup. “How I Met Your Mother,” “Two and a Half Men” and “The Big Bang Theory” are a dominating comedic force, though, how people continue to watch the abysmal “Men” is a mystery to the entire Herald office. CBS also leads the dramatic front thanks to the ever popular “CSI” trifecta and the dynamic duo of “NCIS” and newbie “NCIS: Los Angeles.” Hell, even reality shows “Survivor” and “The Amazing Race” continue to boast big viewerships in seasons 19 and 15, respectively. MUSIC
Out: “American Idol” overload
There’s no denying that “American Idol” has been a cultural phenomenon since its debut in 2002. The show has a constant holding in the ratings from each season’s start to end and it’s damn near impossible to avoid the show in the news, whether it’s the prediction for the latest winner or Paula Abdul’s departure and Ellen DeGeneres’ arrival. Lately, however, “Idol” has stretched well beyond what any individual can handle. This year alone, at least 10 former “Idol” contestants released albums. As if the sheer album number wasn’t enough, there’s the nonstop buzz that comes with the album releases, like Adam Lambert’s sexually charged performance at the American Music Awards to Kelly Clarkson’s return to power after a dismal previous album that required her to cancel concerts because of the lack in popularity. The madness continued when “Idol” began a massive takeover of Broadway this year. Need more proof? “Idol” even made its way into the theme park world this year when The American Idol Experience debuted at Disney’s Hollywood Studios in Orlando.
In: Country/Pop overload
If there is one genre that has the power to explode next year, it’s country pop. Artists like Taylor Swift, Carrie Underwood and Rascal Flatts had already made huge headway in this genre in the past couple years, but they truly opened the door this year. Almost every single Swift release this year was near the top of both the country and pop charts, and Underwood and Rascal Flatts have continued to show crossover power as well. Things only look brighter as country bands like Lady Antebellum and Gloriana rise in popularity with pop-infused country hits. Even the love-or-love-to-hate Miley Cyrus has helped to bring tweens to the country genre thanks to her Hannah Montana persona and crossover hits like “The Climb.” Needless to say, country pop is here to stay.
