CAILLEY:

So what did we learn this week?

Well, we learned Tiger Woods may have used his golf club in more ways than one, and that he can only drive a golf ball, not a car. We also learned Meredith Baxter from “Family Ties” is a lesbian, but only for the last seven years. We learned last night why it feels good to be a Badger, and we also learned who’s nominated for a 2010 Grammy.

Tony and I could have battled extensively about Tiger Woods this week, but it’s hard to debate when you both agree he made the biggest mistake of his life by cheating on his supermodel wife with some woman from “Tool Academy,” among others.

And personally, the Grammys are far more newsworthy and interesting (anything involving Lady Gaga instantly spikes my interest) than almost any of the other events of th week, which is why today’s debate is this: If we could make up any Grammy category, what would it be ? and who would win?

My choice: Best Album Produced by an American Idol.

You may or may not remember why it is I love “American Idol” ? namely, for the hell on earth ArtsEtc. endured in what I’ve called the Great David Archuleta Mindfuck of 2009.

So it’s only with love that I coin this new category. And why? Because the battle for that statue would be a better bloodbath than what I suspect is going through Elin Nordegren’s mind right about now.

Imagine it ? the “Archies” going up against Adam Lambert fans who, in our online comments, said seeing Lambert sing is an experience comparable to that of seeing Elvis (coming from a person who claimed to see Elvis live, I’m getting a better idea of who his audience is). Them against David Cook, Kris Allen and Allison Iraheta, among others, would be quite a sight to see.

And honestly, each respective group is so deeply attached to its idol that it literally idolizes them. And would do anything for them. So I can only presume members would kill each other in the name of their idol and leave absolutely nothing left.

Wouldn’t that be nice?

Oh, and if I have to pick a winner ? Lambert. Given that his fans are nowhere near as psychotic as those of Archuleta, it seems like a good choice.

TONY:

The Grammy Awards are a time for the National Academy of Recording Arts and Sciences to pick what they believe to be the most outstanding achievements in the music industry for that year. While that’s all well and good, I believe it’s about time the Grammys creates a category to honor the mediocrity that tops the list of iTunes singles, yet has none of the redeeming musical qualities that the NARAS looks for. That’s right, it’s time for Guilty Pleasure of the Year.

We all have one, but of course we will never admit just what song we are rocking to while walking up Bascom, safely hiding the shame behind those two white earbuds. It’s the song that as soon as it comes on the radio you immediately begin dissing, even though you are one of the millions who shelled out $1.29 for the track, helping it propel to the top of the charts.

Yet it’s also the song that once you get some of that liquid courage, you let loose all your inhibitions and recite every word from the karaoke stage or the barroom floor — your shame clouded over in a blissful boozy haze.

These songs and the artists who perform them need to be awarded, if only for keeping music and alcohol sales alive and well.

So who deserves this year’s award for Guilty Pleasure of the Year? None other than Miss Miley Cyrus for her rip-roaring classic: “Party in the U.S.A.”

You know you love it. How can you not? With its catchy beat, the simple lyrics and overall feel-good attitude, the song was perfectly crafted to be a party song. Don’t believe me? The word is in the title. Plus, you can’t denounce a song with “U.S.A.” in the title. That would make you a terrorist. Only a terrorist wouldn’t move his hips like “Yeah!” when a Britney song comes on. Which brings up another point: the song already has predetermined audience participation incorporated into it, a plus for wallflowers and drunks everywhere.

Most people will say they can’t stand this chart-topper, but if you catch them in the privacy of their home or after knocking back a few drinks, their hands will surely be in the air. For this reason, if you ask me what the Guilty Song of the Year is, I’ll be noddin’ my head like “Yeah!” for “Party in the U.S.A.”