CAILLEY:

It’s easy to say “Sesame Street” changed our lives. Who didn’t sit in front of the TV every day to catch a glimpse of the utopian world “Sesame Street” had to offer?

No one, that’s who. That’s why the famous children’s program has continued for generations, and celebrated its 40th anniversary this week. And it’s no surprise — this is the show that taught us the alphabet and how to count, as well as lessons about how to be kind and fair to others, because everyone is welcome on Sesame Street.

But I find that when considering the lineup of characters “Sesame Street” has to offer, we find the usuals — Big Bird, the Count, Cookie Monster and Oscar the Grouch among others — but there’s one mysterious exception: Bert. See, Bert, otherwise known as the yin to Ernie’s yang (yes, I know how dirty that sounds), is quite the recluse of “Sesame Street.” He is one complicated motherfucker.

First of all, that man is the epitome of tall, dark and handsome. What lady wouldn’t go wild for that lone tuft of dark hair that sits atop his head? And don’t even get me started on that unibrow. It’s just too much to handle.

And then there are the clothes: the striped V-neck sweater with the white turtleneck underneath. It’s obvious the man is out and about getting him the ladies every chance he gets — why else would he wear a turtleneck every day for 40 straight years? Oh, and he’s also fashion-savvy enough to know better than to wear horizontal stripes, unlike some Muppets we know.

And my God, the intelligence. There isn’t a day that goes by when his face isn’t buried in a book. He’s got an insatiable appetite for knowledge. It doesn’t get better than that in a man.

Of course, you might say Bert can be a little on edge. He might push away Ernie’s advances every once in a while, but the man simply has better things to do with his time. As I said, he reads. He collects bottlecaps. He’s an all-around mature, solid man who needs to get some lovin’.

But with such an immature friend cock-blocking him at every chance he gets, it’s no wonder Bert is a little agitated. Who wants to hang out with the guy whose friend will always be there nagging to play tag or to go exercise?

Maybe Ernie would win this debate if he were a better wingman, but that’s obviously not the case.

TONY:

Both “Sesame Street” and The Badger Herald turned 40 this year. Whether this is a coincidence or a cosmic phenomenon that reaches dangerously high levels of awesomeness is still up for debate. What’s not up for debate, Cailley, is this PCP. It’s Ernie hands down.

For starters, Ernie is probably the most entertaining person to hang out with, while Bert is certainly the most boring roommate ever. So what if Ernie just wants to have a good time and eat cookies in the bed? Who doesn’t? Yet, Bert, who has the shortest fuse of all time, doesn’t let Ernie have any fun and shuns him to go read. I don’t know about you but I’ll take Ernie.

There’s also the matter of personal hygiene. Ernie likes baths and he loves to play with a rubber duckie. That’s cute and endearing. Plus, the guy is probably the cleanest man in the world so you don’t have to worry about him leaving strange odors in the apartment.

Bert, on the other hand, has a unibrow. That is clear sign of a lack of personal hygiene. How hard can it possibly be to just shave that baby down? Not only is it dirty, but only creepy stalker types have unibrows. It also begs the question that, if he doesn’t even have time to fix that furry caterpillar, what other hygiene does he neglect?

Ernie also has a Billboard hit. “Rubber Duckie” reached No.16 on the Hot 100 back in 1970. What does Bert have? Probably just a big boring IQ from all that reading he does.

Now although “Sesame Street” producers have vehemently insisted that Ernie and Bert aren’t gay, they certainly appear to be, so sex life also has to be a factor here. I don’t think it’s hard to imagine why Ernie is clearly the better character in this scenario. While Ernie would be into all sorts of wild and crazy things in bed — some may even involve cookies and a threesome with a particular monster — Bert surely wouldn’t remove the stick up his ass long enough to try any of them.

I think the only real question here is why, after 40 years, Ernie still lives with Bert. There clearly are much better options for him. I mean tons of fun and furry creatures live on Sesame Street. I’m sure plenty of characters would be more than happy to have the much better half of “Sesame Street’s” classic duo.