In the world of movies, opening weekend is essentially a trial where movies are released and await sentencing by the judge and the jury. Needless to say, a bad review is the equivalent of the death sentence. And if there were a death row for movies, “Sorority Row” would be first in line.
“Sorority Row” is based on a 1983 screenplay and teen horror film entitled “The House on Sorority Row,” written by Mark Rosman. The story revolves around six Theta Pi seniors who decide to play a “funny” prank at one of their parties. And, unsurprisingly, something goes wrong.
Megan (Audrina Patridge, “The Hills”) pretends to become unconscious while hooking up with Garrett (Matt O’Leary, “American Son”), the little brother of a fellow senior Theta, Chugs (Margo Harshman, “Jenny got a Boob Job”). All of the Thetas are in on the joke, but Jessica, the head Theta, takes the prank farther than originally planned and, of course, Megan gets a cross wrench through her chest.. But the joke is on them, right?
The Thetas and Garrett decide that the most logical solution to their situation is to dump the body, pretend Megan is missing, and move on with their personal lives. But life is not that simple, even in the Theta Pi sorority house.
Time unrealistically jumps forward without consequence to the end of senior year, when all of the Thetas come together for a final good-bye. Only then do the girls finally start to feel the consequences of their actions when they start receiving eerie text messages with pictures and video from the night of Megan’s death.
As the plot (barely) thickens, the movie becomes more and more predictable. “Sorority Row” capitalizes on key horror motifs such as the ominous, cloaked killer, cheap, gory deaths and drawn-out suspense scenes. These clich?s come to dominate the movie and mold it into something so familiar that anybody just walking into the theatre can guess what is going to happen next.
“Sorority Row’s” reliance on clich?s can be attributed to the director’s lack of experience with full-length films, and more importantly, horror films. While Stewart Hendler (“Seeds”) has a few movies under his belt dating back to 1997, his resume is still short by Hollywood standards. Because of his limited experience (he’s worked on several short dramatic films), Hendler’s major directorial debut falls short.
The writers do, however, make an attempt to update the original 1983 plotline by infusing it with technology. It is a good idea, and slightly reminiscent of the role of the video tape in “The Ring.” However, the “Sorority Row” attempt is so in-your-face-obnoxious that it takes away from any intended surprise ending.
Of course, word is buzzing around the film because of Audrina Patridge’s debut, but she may want to stick to reality. Seeing as how she plays the girl who quickly dies in the first scene of the film, and 90 percent of that screen time she’s unconscious, Patridge did more napping than acting.
Rumer Willis (“Wild Cherry”), daughter of Bruce Willis and Demi Moore, plays Ellie, the quintessential nerd and underdog. Rumer gets credit for trying, because it is hard to give depth to a character when the script has no depth. Ellie experiences some character growth throughout the story, but ultimately, her character, like the others, falls flat under the weight of stereotypes.
The jury is in, and we have the final verdict: “Sorority Row” is horrible and a waste of time. And while the movie hints at a sequel, I doubt there will be one, as this movie will won’t (and according to the box office figures, didn’t) survive this opening weekend. So do yourself a favor and don’t waste an afternoon. You would probably be better off doing homework.
1/2 star out of 5.
